April 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

If you want to make fun of David Caruso, you're late to the party. Yes, he puts on his sunglasses and takes them off a lot. On, off, on, off. And he says the corniest stuff. The top "CSI: Miami"-related video at YouTube is a funny compilation of opening scenes. They make Caruso's Horatio look like a cartoon cop.

The YouTube piece is called "CSI Miami -- Endless Caruso One Liners." If you watch "One Liners" -- to deconstruct the acting style of one of TV's biggest stars -- you'll see Caruso is always mixing cliches together, or overselling utilitarian dialogue.

He does this by pausing ... while speaking with the accentuated authority ... of a movie-trailer narrator.

Mixed cliches: "So we have a victim that started the weekend as a big man on campus, and ended it [pause-pause] dead on arrival."

Overselling a line: "There's a chance this girl's alive. [Pause, sunglasses]. And we [pause] are gonna find her."

Mixed cliches: "The verdict is in, Frank. [Pause, put on sunglasses.] But the jury is out."

Overselling a line: "I [pause, sunglasses] am going to get to the truth."

It's a catchy gimmick. "CSI: Miami" is a top five show in the ratings. And Caruso, 51, is a big star again, even though he doesn't get as many on-screen minutes as the usual lead character in an ensemble show.

His voice acting fits Horatio. It often seems like the character is merely the show's narrator, showing up at crime scenes and interrogations to issue one or two abbreviated Greek chorus judgments to cops and killers. He repeats these taglines often.

In a November episode about the death of a soldier, a suspect asked Horatio: Isn't Iraq out of your cop jurisdiction?

"Not anymore, Brad. Not anymore," Horatio said.

Later in the same episode, the killer whined that Horatio just didn't understand why the victim, a Cpl. Kirby, had to die.

"I bet Cpl. Kirby does, Brad. I bet he does," Horatio said.

It doesn't take Jim Carrey to mock Caruso, but Carrey did on "Letterman" several weeks ago.

"He loves to put the button on, and then he just walks away," Carrey said. "He doesn't wait for anybody to retort. I think he's afraid they might have a comeback."

I ran into Caruso at a CBS party a few years ago. I failed to ask about Horatio's speaking pattern. But when Caruso wasn't happily looking at photos of his new baby, he explained the sunglasses bit.

"Hiding my eyes at kind of important moments in the hour would be valuable [symbolically], especially down there, because everything's so bright. Sunglasses are an important, indigenous factor down there."

This insight into sunglasses reminded me of when NPR's Terry Gross asked Clint Eastwood how he came up with the idea of making his Spaghetti Western characters squint like cool customers. Eastwood answered simply as if this was the most unnecessary question ever: The desert was sunny.

Eastwood is an interesting comparison. Eastwood's a better actor. But his fed-up cop Dirty Harry is something of a forefather of Horatio. Caruso's hard-bitten Horatio is much colder and Dirty Harry-ish than Caruso's Detective John Kelly was in "NYPD Blue."

John Kelly was a sensitive guy. If a secretary was having tough times, John would gently place his hand on her shoulder, give her a Peter Jennings head tilt, and talk-whisper something like, "You OK?" This perfectly fit the "I feel your pain" Clinton years.

By contrast, Horatio kills killers like a sociopath would. Emotionless. This perfectly fits the tone of the "evildoer" Terrorist-Bush Era.

One gunman threatened that Horatio was in so much jeopardy, he was "already dead." Horatio raised his pistol, shot the man dead, paused of course, then flatly articulated, "Join the club."

Another time, Horatio shot a bad guy who fell to the ground and, dying, tried to grasp a gun. Horatio walked past the man and, without looking down or altering his step, blasted another bullet into the villain's body.

Bullets can't hit Horatio. And in yet another way, he's a much luckier cop than Dirty Harry and John Kelly in that his suspects love to confess in the last 10 minutes to him or to another investigator.

A few weeks ago, one of three twin sisters began to confess as if she were on "Perry Mason" -- "I was told to shoot Dominick when I heard the champagne corks pop" -- and then, her other two sisters started confessing their roles, even though there was no real evidence against them.

Flashbacks aplenty revisit victims' last moments and suspects' schemes. Extreme close-ups and special effects display the microscopic insides of a dying heart or a forensic computer.

And, oh, those hilariously repetitive musical montages focusing on forensic cops cutting things with scissors and rubbing things with Q-tips.

That's the obvious "CSI" stuff. What's funniest to me is when Caruso tells people, "I'm with CSI," and they respond as if they're familiar with their local Crime Scene Investigation office. If people told me they were from CSI, I wouldn't think they were cops. I'd say, "Which one? Vegas, New York or Miami?"

But there's no mistaking Caruso deserves credit for crafting Movie Narrator Cop out of thin air and making Horatio a household habit, a decade after he became synonymous with "Cheers' " Shelley Long. Both left hit TV shows in search of failed movie careers. Long could certainly use a "CSI: Boston."

But Caruso didn't just stumble into this newly stylized performance. He makes Horatio this way on purpose. As Horatio once said, an "accident [pause, sunglasses] is not an accident at all."

delfman@suntimes.com

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

There are surprises in life. The Jets win the Super Bowl. Martha Stewart goes to prison. And this week, my best reviews are for games you play on mobile phones. Like Paris Hilton photos in a glossy magazine, they're cheap, easy and entertaining.

Phone games have been silly for, you know, forever. Characters used to look like sticks. Games were shallow and dumb, like Paris Hilton.

Yet, here comes a slew of legitimately fun games that even Paris Hilton could get the hang of. I'm focusing for the moment on Electronic Arts games, because they're around $5 each through EAmobile.com, and EA is a leader in the field.

The most obvious winner is "Tetris Mania." My "Tetris"-aholic mom would love this little phoner. It plays exactly like any good "Tetris" does. Differently shaped boxes fall from the sky. You arrange them. Before you know it, two hours pass.

"Tetris" is a puzzle game, so it looks very simple. If you're looking for something more complex, "The Sims 2: Pets" is a pleasant surprise.

You begin by picking a golden Lab, a Chihuahua, a mutt or another dog. You play ball, feed them -- the range of missions you normally carry out in pet simulators such as "Nintendogs." It's very cute, although if you're not into simulators, it might bore you.

Even EA Mobile's "NASCAR '07" looks pretty good for a phone. The imagery is on par with car games from the 1990s. You see the same basic aerial view of your racer as you speed around a track.

The downer of "NASCAR '07" is you don't wield much control. You decide when to change lanes and speed up, but you're not really driving. Still, its simplicity might appeal to people who aren't hard-core gamers.

These mobile games take game playing back to basics. If you're sick of buying superhard video games that make your brain work as if it's playing "Jeopardy," phone games offer much more stripped-down diversions, akin to older games from the 1990s.

Here's a good comparison. "Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07" is a much simpler beast than its brethren on Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3. It looks rudimentary. But the mobile version uses the same, fun dynamics of targeting fairways and perfecting backswings.

To the contrary, "Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07" for the fancy and interactive Nintendo Wii severely tests your ability to stand in your living room and swing the interactive remote control like you would a golf club.

I'm an OK golfer, but I can't get this Wii "Tiger Woods" to read my swing correctly. I'm sure the problem lies with my impatience to perfect a virtual drive, approach and putt. But the cell phone version is more entertaining.

For that matter, "Tetris Mania" is more compelling than the Wii's new "Wii Play," which asks me to use its interactive remote control to play air hockey, billiards and other traditional games. "Wii Play" is popular, sometimes a delight, and fun to play against other gamers.

But "Wii Play" lacks what better mobile games present: an addictive quality. After all these years, when those "Tetris" blocks rain from the sky, I still want to put them in their place, like I was Martha Stewart (not Paris Hilton).

("NASCAR '07" retails for $3.50 for mobile phones -- Plays OK. Looks OK. Easy. Rated "E." Two stars out of four.)

("Tetris Mania" retails for $5 for mobile phones -- Plays fun and addictive. Looks fine. Easy to difficult. Rated "E." Three and one-half stars.)

("The Sims 2: Pets" retails for $7 for mobile phones -- Plays fun, if limited by the appeal of its being a simulation. Looks good for a phone. Easy to moderately difficult. Rated "E." Three stars.)

("Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07," will retail for $5 or more for mobile phones -- Plays fun. Looks fine. Moderately difficult. Rated "E." Three stars.)

("Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07" retails for $50 for Wii -- Plays confusing. Looks fine. Difficult. Rated "E." Two stars.)

("Wii Play" retails for $50 for Wii -- It plays fun most often when you're competing against other gamers. Looks OK. Easy to moderately difficult. Two and one-half stars.)

April 6, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Dear women, Here are four things you may learn about guys from watching the first five new episodes of "Entourage":

GUYS SOMETIMES LIE TO GUY FRIENDS ABOUT YOU: Sure, Vince (Adrian Grenier) could tell his entourage he's on his way to a hot tub with a certain woman they distrust. But if he does, they'll only stand in his way, with their ulterior motives. Better to lie now and explain later.

WOMEN ARE THE DOGS THEY WALK: Two guy friends -- nicknamed Drama and Turtle -- go to a dog park to cruise chicks. Drama, a wise buffoon, tells us to avoid a girl walking a Lhasa Apso. Hot chicks who own those finicky pooches are fussy, thus making it too hard to seduce them. (Girls: Try wearing a T-shirt that reads, "My Dog is CUTER than Your Dog." This will make you easier prey.)

GUYS CAN ONLY WAIT FOR THE DOORS OF THE GOLDEN PALACE TO OPEN: When E's girlfriend gives him the silent treatment, he asks if she will speak to him soon. "Oh, I'll talk," she says, "but I wouldn't expect much else." Ergo, women have all sexual power. Men must wait them out.

GUYS GET DISTRACTED WATCHING GIRLS IN TUBS: I had to watch Vince's hot-tub scene twice to hear the dialogue, because the first time, the visuals of the soapy naked actress sapped energy from my ears.

Pearls of wisdom like these are routine in "Entourage." The HBO series follows the lifestyles of movie star Vince, his nickname-laden entourage (Turtle, E, Drama) and Vince's longtime agent Ari (Jeremy Piven).

When the current third season halted for a break in August, Vince was firing Ari for no great reason. The season resumes with the question: Will Vince take Ari back or will they keep going separate ways while Vince tries to land big film roles?

But at its core, the thrust of these new, typically decent episodes isn't all that Hollywood finagling. The breezy comedy more strenuously chronicles everyone's personal relationships and how-to-pick-up-girl routines.

Vince, of course, has no trouble getting women. The last time I saw Grenier in person, female journalists were swarming him and trying to contain swoons, as one of the swarmers described it to me later.

His buddies don't have the Vince sparkle in their eyes, nor his skinny tallness, full hair, facial structure or star eyebrows. So they have to work a little harder/ lie to the ladies.

"Entourage" never pretends the protagonists are all sweet people (although Vince is kind of sweet). "Entourage" often makes men look as appealing as "Trainspotting" did heroin.

You could easily argue women come across better. E's grumpy girl aside, the episodes feature smart, sexual women in power roles, and no-nonsense wives who don't deny their sexual appetites. A female therapist has the spine to call Ari (accurately) a low-life narcissist.

Ladies often speak as macho as the men do. A female talent agent in competition with Ari cracks at him, "Want me to walk you to your car? This town's not safe for a bitch."

Speaking of Ari, Piven's still the best thing about "Entourage." Of all the macho, not-good guys in the show, he's the not-goodest macho-est.

Ari tries to pimp out his gay assistant Lloyd (Rex Lee, the second-best thing about "Entourage") to entice business from a gay potential client.

"Your love of [male genitalia] is a huge asset to this company," Ari explains.

All in all, what you have here is the usual "Entourage":

• A stereotypical dude's fantasy, populated with glamorous, strong, carnal females; golf outings, and courtside scenes at L.A. Lakers games.

• Male guest stars men know well, such as Ed Burns, Adam Goldberg, Pauly Shore and Artie Lange.

• And the most important thing: Jeremy Piven makes Ari an intensely enjoyable and sympathetic arse.

Just about the only time women aren't enchanting or powerful is when they're under Ari's control. At his talent agency office, he snatches a snack out of the mouth of a heavyset woman and remarks of her dietary choice: "Skip it, Jenny."

So there's the fifth thing women can be reminded about from watching "Entourage": GUYS ARE FATISTS WHO WILL POUNCE ON YOU THE FIRST CHANCE THEY GET.

April 5, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times

Someone's knocking very hard on the door of the house of the mob boss. It's 6 a.m. Have the authorities finally come for Tony Soprano?

Tony's long-suffering, complicit wife, Carmela, bends up in bed when she hears the surprise banging.

"Is this it?" she panics.

Maybe she's just being paranoid. I'm not saying. What do you think, I'm crazy? Fans have been waiting 136 years or something for the final nine episodes of "The Sopranos" to hit HBO. The first runs Sunday. I'm not spilling serious beans.

But you can be assured of seeing the following in the first two episodes: A machinegun fires. Someone gets his guts ripped out in a chop shop. Naked breasts bounce in Tony's strip club. A mobster drives another mobster through the woods, never a good sign.

And Carmela (Edie Falco) defends her husband's honor.

"Tony is not a vindictive man," she says. (Which Tony Soprano does she think she's talking about?)

"Sopranos" fans and radio DJs will surely be contemplating how it will all end in two months. Judging from the first two episodes, Tony's prospects look as pressured as ever. The feds. Mob rivals. His unhealthy lifestyle. People in his own organization who might not be his friends. Who knows?

So the questions: Will he die? Will he go to prison? Will he end up with no comeuppance whatsoever?

Because the end is near, there's a bit of a "Lost"-ish obstacle in these first two hours. It's hard for me to watch completely fresh without wondering a tad too much where it's leading.

"Sopranos" parlor games are fun, but not while watching it. Besides, each "Sopranos" is like a one-hour movie. Even after the first two episodes, the time-warping drama could go in any number of directions all season, only to arrive at an undiscovered country in its last-ever 15 minutes.

Last season's finale had some great stuff, particularly the accelerated storytelling of Christopher's drug affair with Julianna. What works best in the first new shows is "The Sopranos" feels tightly written and directed.

This season opens just as focused on characters and -- more important -- their conversations, which are ridiculous, realistic, inane and dire. Actors get a lot of the credit usually, but this show would be nada if the scripts didn't zero in so well on the very human ways such human monsters talk.

The show's penchant for celebrity guest stars still blooms. The second episode features guest acting from directors Sydney Pollack (excellent as usual) and Peter Bogdanovich, Tim Daly (in an unenviable position) and Geraldo Rivera (behaving like Geraldo Rivera).

Then there's the guy who says, "I've been accused of being part of a certain Italian-American subculture." His mortality is in peril.

"It's funny. Ironic. Whichever," this gangster says. "I quit smoking after 38 years. Exercised. Ate right. And for what?"

I see an "oh, well" cigarette in this man's future. But that's about the only at-risk future I feel comfortable hinting at here.

What else is on

April 6, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
TONIGHT"Wife Swap" (8:01 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): ABC's first-year drama "Six Degrees" was supposed to air in this spot, but bad ratings tanked it. So here comes a repeat episode of "Wives Are Disposable And to Be Toyed With."
"P. Diddy Presents the Bad Boys of Comedy" (11 p.m., HBO): The second season starts with Doug E. Fresh (the rapper, not me, though I am frrreesshhh) emceeing stand-up routines by comedians Drew Fraser, Damn Fool, Ian Edwards and Will-E Robo.

SATURDAY"Punk'd" (noon, MTV): A four-hour marathon unveils all of the final season's episodes. Then at 8 p.m. Tuesday, they start rerunning. These last celebrity pranks focus on Evangeline Lilly, JoJo, Magic Johnson, Hilary Swank and Ashley Tisdale. If you just can't live without yet more practical jokes pulled on the rich and famous, a "Punk'd Awards" wrap-up comes June 5.

SUNDAY"Masterpiece Theatre" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Kenneth Grahame's children's story "Wind in the Willows," the moral story about animal friends, gets a live-action movie adaptation.

TONIGHT'S TALK"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno," 10:35 p.m., Channel 5: Actor Jeremy Piven; actress Jenna Fischer; musician John Legend.

"Late Show With David Letterman," 10:50 p.m., Channel 2: Actor Richard Gere; exotic foods chef Gene Rurka; music group Aqualung.

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien," 11:35 p.m., Channel 5: Actor Michael Imperioli; musician Albert Hammond Jr.

"Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson," 11:50 p.m., Channel 2: Actress Carla Gugino; fighter Randy Couture; rapper Redman.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live," 12:05 a.m., Channel 7: Actress Hilary Swank; "Dancing With the Stars" contestant Shandi Finnessey; singer Hilary Duff.

April 4, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

A few thoughts come to mind while I watch three new shows on MTV. First: Leave it to MTV to be one of the only networks to give this much prime time to talented black professionals.

But second: Leave it to MTV to cheat its audience down to 20-minute half-hour shows -- a third of each half-hour is commercials -- and to turn that 20 minutes into a bunch of seen-it-before, who-cares culture clashes.

On Thursday, the three dull shows start up on the network geared for 13-year-old boys and, um, I'm not sure if 14-year-olds are young enough to fit into MTV's demographic anymore.

There are many skilled performances in the new series -- by rappers Three 6 Mafia and comedians Kat Williams and Aziz Ansari -- but they mostly go to waste from weak writing or direction.

With all the other TV choices robbing MTV of pop-culture status, you'd think the channel hardly could afford not to spend more money developing its shows. (Thirteen-year-olds deserve good production values, too.) And yet ... this.

First up -- following the faded "Pimp My Ride" (it's still on?) -- comes "Nick Cannon Presents: Short Circuitz." It's a sketch-comedy show featuring Cannon, Williams and other skilled comedians. They do dead-on impressions of pop culture figures extremely unfunnily.

Black actors broadly represent an armed robber, inarticulate rappers and courtroom characters. How refreshing.

A sketch about a black hostage negotiator named "the Negrotiator" falls flat. And there is nothing new in a "Judge Judy"-type bit about a guy suing a date after he spent $300 on her dinner, and "that beyotch didn't put out." See how funny that is? Not?

But Paris Hilton does a cameo. How can that go wrong?

Next up is a reality show called "Adventures in HollyHood" starring Three 6 Mafia, the first black rappers to win a best-song Oscar (last year). "Adventures" has promise. As D-listers go, the Memphis musicians come across as natural, amiable guys with a fair amount of talent and wit.

But the show doesn't rise above the played-out setting of putting people with lots of leisure time into a house of cameras and lingering for something to happen.

A white neighbor tries to figure out what Three 6 Mafia's assistant Big Triece is saying when he states his name in his Southern tongue. She thinks he's saying "Big Trees." A hilarious use of TV time?

There's also missed potential in the last of the debuts, "Human Giant." It pains me to say it's not great. One of the stars in this sketch show is one of my favorite budding comedians, Aziz Ansari.

Ansari gets one of my few laughs when he walks through New York holding a boombox playing the worst mix tape ever made for such public consumption (OMC's "How Bizarre," Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart"). MTV discovered the group Human Giant because it was already posting that and other videos online.

There are other good ideas in "Human Giant" and other good performances in "Short Circuitz." But MTV, typically, lets them flounder in cheaply made copycat shows. Then again, what should MTV care, I guess, as long as enough 13-year-olds tune in for the action-movie commercials?

April 1, 2007

BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

You could insult Frank Soprano Jr. by saying he's just a number cruncher at his family's Chicago-area CPA firm, Soprano & Association. But when he hands credit cards to waiters, his whole world changes for a righteous moment.

"They say, 'Aw, Mr. Soprano!' " Soprano says. "I'm just a little guy getting though life. And everyone's like, 'Mr. Soprano!' "

Since "The Sopranos" is, by now, a cultural reference, he will probably continue to experience this phenomenon, even after the HBO show ends with nine upcoming episodes.

Like a lot of people, Soprano, 37, used to be addicted to the mob-family drama bearing his surname.

"But I think it was the third year it bummed me out. I was like, 'Come on. Start killing more people or something,' " Soprano says.

One time, Soprano overextended his Soprano-"Sopranos" connection. He bought a "Sopranos" video game for his godson. This was a Soprano going one "Sopranos" too far. The game sucked.

"It was like, 'Here's Godfather Soprano -- giving you a piece-of-crap game.' "

Some Chicago restaurants overplayed their "Sopranos" hand, as well. During the first few seasons, they screened new episodes on TVs during Sunday night viewing parties.

HBO issued cease-and-desist letters. The network wanted those customers to go home and pay for HBO.

One of those restaurants was Sopranos on North Sheffield Avenue.

Before the HBO crackdown, the Italian eatery served "bada bing" martinis and printed menus featuring a photo of the "Sopranos" cast posing in the style of Leonardo da Vinci's "The Last Supper."

"That was on the menu," says Sopranos operating manager and "Sopranos" fan Nicole Javell, 27. "People kept them. One family framed it."

The restaurant name is a happy coincidence, she says. Sopranos opened 10 years ago, pre-"Sopranos," named as a nod to vocalists who sing a few octaves past middle E.

To the contrary, though, it's not easy finding an actual soprano or a soprano saxophonist who watches "The Sopranos."

"I don't have cable," says soprano Amy Conn, of Chicago a Cappella.

"I don't have cable," says Kathryn Kamp, another Chicago a Cappella singer.

"I don't have HBO," says Justin May, a local soprano saxophonist. (He also plays alto and tenor sax.)

These sopranos say they're too busy or otherwise interested in live music to watch much TV.

May says it doesn't make financial sense to subscribe to HBO only for "The Sopranos," even if it does feature "obligatory HBO topless scenes."

"None of those shots in the strip club has anything to do with anything, except to remind you, 'Oh right, I'm watching HBO,' " he says.

But until a couple of years ago, the soprano saxophonist, who's 26, did regularly watch and enjoy the show. That was when he was a college student stuck "in a crappy basement with three other guys."

May dug the show's morality issues as they festered among hungry mobster killers and their complicit wives.

This is how interested in mob fiction May's family is: Every Christmas season, they rewatch the entire "Godfather" trilogy together.

"We're all like Texas white trash who don't have nearly enough [motivation] to participate in something like organized crime," he says. "The most we could do is knock over a liquor store. And frankly, we don't dress that well."

Not every "Sopranos" fan is a direct Soprano. Some are honorary Sopranos, like Linda Riccio, who moderates sections of a "Sopranos" fan site, TheSopranos.com, from right here in Chicago.

Riccio, 51, has all kinds of "Sopranos" insights. She grew up in New Jersey neighborhoods where the show is shot. She says it's easier to get sucked in by the show if you recognize Pizzaland, the Passaic River and "the place where we used to make out when we were teenagers.

"If you're not Italian or not from Jersey, you'll never get half of these jokes" in the show, she says.

For one thing, non-Jerseyans may not have understood the time when characters referenced "Jackson whites." When Riccio was a kid, people would threaten, "The Jackson whites will get you."

The urban legend Riccio heard claimed Jackson whites were a "race of mentally handicapped, inbred hemophiliacs," but perhaps they were really just "fetal alcohol" kids "selling old broken bikes and stuff," she says.

This is exactly why "The Sopranos" is authentic, she attests -- particularly the wives, who shop all day in their gaudy clothes and done-up nails; the fathers who always work in waste management, and the macho criminals.

"This is how these guys are: big blowhards. They even talk about how they can have sex with guys in jail," she says. "But somebody tells somebody else Uncle Junior did oral sex on a woman, and it shames him for the rest of his life.

"These guys are like that. They're crazy. Especially these old guys."

So maybe it's not surprising Riccio harbors a golden hope for the final wrap of "The Sopranos" after eight years.

"If I had my dream, all the guys would get killed, and the women would take over," she says.

Carmela Soprano would make a good Godmother, she says. Rosalie could be consigliere. Janice, a soldier. Yada.

But if you're neither a soprano nor a "Sopranos" fan, validation is knowing not even a soprano must care about "The Sopranos." Kamp has no interest in the series finale. She's busy singing the praises of a completely different lifestyle.

"When you do this," the soprano says, "TV is just not interesting."

delfman@suntimes.com

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

The moment I understood "MotorStorm" wasn't going to forgive my car-racing mistakes was when I played it online and got outraced by real-life gamers nicknamed JerkHusband and InUrEye. I also got beat by Bart_21. Cowabunga? Really, dude?

But it's worth losing a lot during the learning-curve process of "MotorStorm." It might be the first near-masterpiece made exclusively for the young PlayStation 3.

"MotorStorm" is a series of off-road racecourses. This is a genre that has proved only mildly entertaining over the years. How much fun can it be to jump dirt hills over and over? Usually, not much.

"MotorStorm" makes those previous off-road titles look silly. More than that, it's the most supercool car game since 2004's "Burnout 3: Takedown."

We begin with a vehicle check. Do you want to drive an MX motorcycle, buggy, ATV, truck, "mudplugger" or a "big rig"? You can't go wrong with any of these fine, filthy wheels. They bounce and speed across rough, rocky and muddy terrains oh so sweetly.

And the terrains -- magnifique. The eight tracks are large and gorgeous moving pictures of desert cliffs, valleys and drivable ledges. From the look of roadside fans and their hippie bonfires, the RainGod Mesa racing locales seem a virtual shadow of the Burning Man festival.

You will crash a lot, despite the game's superior, intuitive driving controls, because it's so hard. When you play online, crashes make you lose; you just fall behind so quickly. When you play against offline computer drivers, though, the game is merciful. You can crash, say, six times (and get resurrected each time) and still win a race.

Sumptuous visuals put the fancy new PS 3's computer to serious use. This is great news. PS 3 has been out a few months, while the Xbox 360 is barely more than a year old. But game makers just now have turned a corner, taking advantage of the systems' power to give us even bigger, more beautiful games.

Even hotter-looking than "MotorStorm" is another new game, "Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2," an action-battle game where you shoot and direct squad mates to kill terrorists around the world.

If you think "MotorStorm" is muscle-car macho (though you can drive as a few female characters), you should see and hear the grunts of "Warfighter 2."

This dialogue will put hair on your chest: "Can you chatter! And put your foot to the floor!" (while riding to battle); "I'm not gonna blow sunshine up your ..." (your boss assessing your chance of survival); and "Secure your rear" (I can't remember when that order came, since I was laughing at it).

"Warfighter 2" does a fun job of making killing difficult. For a game, it's gritty, entertaining and pretty nearly a battle simulator. Online, it offers team elimination and various other subgames to keep you shooting at rival gamers until you've been shot in the head about 4 zillion times.

By the way, "Tom Clancy" games are bloody right wing. This one's no exception. A TV in your tank shows you news footage of journalists exclaiming you, the good American guys, are actually the bad guys. Your commander barks, "Since when does the news get anything right?"

Well, Mr. Clancy, I'm the news, and the news loves your game. Did I get that wrong, too?

("MotorStorm" retails for $60 for PS 3 -- Plays extremely fun; looks fantastic; challenging; rated "T" for language, violence. Four stars out of four.)

("Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2" for $60 for Xbox 360 -- Plays very fun; looks phenomenal; challenging; rated "T" for blood, language, violence. Four stars.)

Doug Elfman
The GAME DORK

In "God of War II," you fight with Zeus-era gods the size of skyscrapers and tear their glowing eyes out of their huge sockets.

Birds the size of eagles pester you, so you jump up high, grab them, step on their backs and rip them in half with your hands.

Everyone tries to kill you. Gods. Dogs. Ogre-type men. Gladiators. And topless Medusas wish to turn you to stone with a glance.

You even travel to hell, where you climb out of the moaning pit. You scale walls with knives in you hands. You inch upward one hand-knife stab at a time, while you slay the arms of the damned, which grasp at you from the walls of hell.

As you can see, "God of War II" is an ambitious, bloody spectacle. It's also the best adventure game since the first "God of War" came out two years ago.

And it's the hardest game to beat in two years, since "Shadow of the Colossus."

I spent an hour killing one of the easier guys. I hit him at least 300 times with chains, knives and fiery arrows while simultaneously fending off six rhino-size monsters clubbing me with axes as the ground was attacking me with couch-size ice picks.

I literally said aloud, "OK, OK! I get it, already, it's hard!"

You play as a Spartan warrior named Kratos. In the original "God of War," Kratos sold his soul to Ares, the god of war, then went on a bloodthirsty streak of murder. One day, while delusional due to one of Ares' ploys, Kratos accidentally killed his wife and child.

So Kratos killed his way through gods, dogs and gladiators, etc., until he killed Ares and took his place as the god of war.

"God of War II" begins with Kratos full of godly hubris during a bitter killing spree. The unhappy gods dethrone him and turn him back into a warrior, so he sets his vengeful sights on Zeus and all the gods and monsters that lead to Zeus.

This is, to say the least, one of the more intricate and interesting story lines in all of video games, which usually lazy-day their way through thin plots or none at all.

The scope is astounding even in comparison to other, impressive gaming experiences. Some games draw up huge cities. Others contain entire kingdoms. "God of War II" gives us a whole civilization, cinematic film clips and stunning artistry.

In the fourth hour (of dozens of hours of game play), I stood on a horse as big as a small mountain. In the background, I saw ocean-based Olympic fortresses as tall as Las Vegas hotels, fronted by carved faces.

I had to explore not just the exteriors of these beautifully ornate fortresses, but scores of rooms and hallways and traps inside. This portion of the game takes up only a tiny fraction of "God of War." That. Is. Intimidating.

The most splendid and glorious element of "God of War II" is its peerless fighting methods. You use dozens of fight moves with the swords/knives attached to your hands ("Blades of Chaos"), a God hammer, magic spells and other means.

The one downside is it's available only for the PlayStation 2, though it does work on a PS 3.

Still, it's the type of magnificent epic that convinces gamers to feel unimpressed by summer adventure movies. You play "God of War II" and think: It must have taken 1,000 people to design this game. Actually, the credits list more than 300.

But it's just one man who gets all the attention, Kratos, who falls from grace early in the game and vows to the gods, "You will pay for this. Be certain of that." Oh, I am.

("God of War II retails for $50 for PS 2 . Also plays in PS 3 systems. Plays as fun as games get; looks spectacular; intensely difficult; rated "M" for blood, gore, intense violence, nudity, sexual themes and strong language. Four stars out of four.)

March 29, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Young Henry doesn't bother to remove a waistcloth while presenting his loins and abs of steel to a salacious young mistress. Here in Henry's kingdom by the sea, heads roll; gallantry's on the guillotine. But his passion, in Showtime's "The Tudors," is to put chambermaids and daughters of advisers on their backs and knees. It's good to be the king.

Clearly, this is not the aged Henry VIII of turkey legs and puffy museum portraits. This is Dorian Gray Henry, spoiled by blood and impetuous lust. Someday his bloated portrait will reveal the wrinkles of hedonism. But while it lasts, hedonism is happy fun times.

Thin and playful, the king volleys tennis balls well and never loses at jousting. (Who'd brave execution to plow his lord with a pole?) Sweaty from sport, Henry drips debauchery.

Sex, sex, sex. "The Tudors" implicitly rubs history the right way. The trouble with laced-up, old history stories is we regard them as if they wear chastity belts and aspire to be in Shakespeare's tragedies, which themselves were violent and sensationalistic departures from moral plays during the bard's generation.

Funny how it takes not PBS but cable TV's most expensive pay-cable channels to address bygone eras -- in HBO's just-wrapped "Rome" and now Showtime's "Tudors" -- with narrative texts and tones, more grisly and nuder than what you see in high school classrooms.

In a recent "Rome," a soldier of high rank entered the orgy quarters of a rival peer and didn't deign to glance at enslaved prostitutes being raped at hand. As the two officers conducted business, one unclothed woman wept cautiously on her captor's lap as he forced plum pieces into her quivering mouth.

In "The Tudors," sex is shared mostly among nobles. So it's basically consensual. (Hark, the progress between B.C. Rome and 16th century England.)

Sex isn't always pretty in "The Tudors." Men who operate Henry's court -- not including the Catholic cardinal, who has a wife and children -- merrily send their daughters to Henry's bedchambers in exchange for good tidings.

One of Henry's prey is Mary Boleyn (sister of Anne/ mother of Elizabeth I), who is offered to Henry by her own power-tripped father. Henry gazes at Mary after a long, hard day and asks sweetly, "You've been at the French court for two years. Tell me, what French graces have you learned?"

Henry finds only practical use for his own daughter Mary (the future Queen Mary I). As a little girl, she stands near a castle window while Henry, thinking politically, offers her tiny hand in marriage to Charles V (already the king of Spain and the Holy Roman emperor).

Charles, with his giant chin, squats to smile at the clueless child. "Bravo," he approves and tenderly kisses her cheeks.

Yes, you are correct. This is pretty disgusting behavior among white-white men who ruled the world, saved our language and are considered "great men," while at their feet fell female footnotes, not counting Queen Mary, Elizabeth and a few other noir heroines and scapegoats. (At least the Europeans elevated women rulers).

HBO and Showtime's devilishly detailed treatments of grand histories may be fictional and occasionally farfetched, but even compared to many movie period pieces, they try to give viewers a grittier notion of the daily grind of relatively horrific times.

This is precisely why television critics so often prefer such Deep Cable. It's not soaped up and sanitized for parental and political relief. It is ornate and musky, and not incidentally quite lucrative for the networks.

Complain about the state of entertainment if you will, but the business of American TV is business, and if you follow the money, you'll see not only that breasts and blood sell, but so does intellectual curiosity. Have you listened to the language in "Rome"? It's college-level dialogue, spilling forth from naked actresses and men in tights.

The qualitative difference between "Rome" and "The Tudors" is significant, however. Two seasons of "Rome" cost $100 million to make, supposedly, and it shows in its magnificent and bold breadth. The tighter budget of the 10-part "Tudors" produces smaller sets and less inspired cinematography.

In fact, "The Tudors" suffers from being merely capable on most fronts, a decent diversion. The direction is effective but artistically flat, and so are several scripts.

Good fortune comes primarily from an intense and blunt portrayal of Henry (by Irish actor and Versace "face" Jonathan Rhys Meyers) and a sensible, humanistic depiction of Henry's mentor Sir Thomas More (British-born Jeremy Northam).

It's hard not to spot another comparison between "Rome" and "Tudors": violence of religion. In "Rome," people pray to gods named Forculus and such; they bathe in sacrificial animal blood. In "The Tudors," Jesus is the reason for the season of war, at times. The Church. The Pope. Pending Protestantism. Jesus is love? Blood spills just the same.
All the salacious slithering comes with a legitimate thematic thread. Lust helps the king rein his aggression and think less hotheaded. (But of course. Why would a man want to grip power if he can't get no satisfaction?)

History records Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (Sam Neill) may have encouraged Henry's libidinous appetite to get on his good side. But as "The Tudors" sews this, Henry chills out when he exerts energy with women. Romps slightly temper his thirst for war with French whiners.

The bumper-sticker bottom line: Calm heads of state prefer sex to war -- at the expense of women under them. No matter how much supporting evidence you provide (Hitler's questionable sex drive; peacenik Jimmy Carter's Playboy libido; etc.), you may not find that theory in a deferential textbook. But it's spread all over HBO and Showtime.

March 26, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

A scrappy little Web site run from suburban Chicago is giving "American Idol" and fans fits. It's the second most popular "Idol"-related site -- right behind "Idol's" official site. And it's inspiring death threats and promises of lawsuits against its owner.

The David and Goliath goal of VoteForTheWorst.com is to convince people to vote for the worst singer every week.

It's getting noticed. Last week, site owner Dave Della Terza, 24, chatted on Howard Stern's show. The site served as fodder for morning TV chatter. On "Letterman," Paula Abdul called the site "just terrible."

Support from Stern fans and "Idol" bashers appears to be helping contestant Sanjaya Malakar, the 17-year-old Washington state kid with the flowy hair and thin voice. Before last Tuesday's show, the site pleaded, "If we can move him ONE more week into the top 10, he'll go on tour."

Sanjaya then proceeded to get enough votes to make it to the final 10.

The answers to your first questions are (a) Della Terza's job is teaching TV-related courses at College of DuPage; (b) no, he has never auditioned for "Idol," though he did try to work in Hollywood once, and (c) yes, many "Idol" fans hate him.

After Sanjaya got another VFTW-related reprieve last week, Della Terza received 1,000 e-mails the next day. Many were nasty -- enough that he prefers not to be too specific about where he lives.

"I get so many creepy e-mails from people," he says. "They're like, 'I'm gonna hunt you down and kill you.'

"People take this show so seriously. It's just a cheesy entertainment-reality show."

VoteForTheWorst is serious to a point, Della Terza says. "But we don't care that much. If Sanjaya is to go home next week, oh, well. We'll move on to someone else," he says.

"I hope he doesn't, because that's hilarious. His performance on Tuesday night was the funniest performance ever [thanks to] the crying girl [fan] and [Sanjaya's] jumping around onstage."

Also last Tuesday, contestant Chris Sligh -- the curly-haired guy wearing glasses -- said, "Hi, Dave" onstage. Previous to this, VFTW suggested it was bored with Sligh but would back him if he said "Hi, Dave" on the air, Della Terza boasts.

"So now, I love Chris Sligh. He had the balls of steel to say something 'American Idol' hates," Della Terza says.

VFTW may already have helped produce an "Idol." Last year, the site backed Taylor Hicks. He won. Afterward, fans of both the singer and the site went to a Hicks concert with a VFTW T-shirt. The "Idol" victor merrily posed with the shirt for a photo.

That picture is the first thing you see at VoteForTheWorst.com.

"I'm glad Taylor understands it was a joke," Della Terza says. "The thing I like about him and some of the contestants is they get the show is cheesy and corny."

Della Terza, who went to Northern Illinois University, swears his mission isn't to destroy "Idol."

"We do want to expose the show," he says. "It's definitely a very manipulated TV show, and people don't get that."

This season, he thinks, producers wanted, say, Melinda Doolittle to do well so she could sell lots of records, but they wanted Sanjaya for good TV. He's thrilled "Idol" has to take Sanjaya on its concert tour.

"Now people have to listen to Sanjaya," Della Terza says. "You're paying to see a giant karaoke contest."

The downside to VFTW is the loads of "idiotic" e-mails Della Terza receives.

"It's the same letter over and over basically," he says. "The only ones I write back to are the ones that are really stupid. And I write back, like, 'Your mom.' "

Fans of specific contestants blame VFTW when someone like Sanjaya stays put and someone more talented gets booted.

"We're like, 'No. You made Stephanie Edwards go home, because you didn't vote for her' " enough, he says. "You can't blame us for voting for one person."

All kinds of people threaten to sue him.

"It always makes me laugh when you think it's an e-mail from a teenager, and then at the bottom it says their law firm name," he says. "If these lawsuits materialized, we'd have 50 to 100 lawsuits a week."

He mocks these e-mails: " 'Yeah I'm suing you, because Sanjaya is bad.' OK, let's see how this court case goes. I'll represent myself," he says.

Della Terza claims Fox once issued a cease-and-desist order demanding he take copyrighted "Idol" material off his site, a move Fox confirms.

"Millions of fans of 'American Idol' vote for their favorites each season," the network proclaims in a statement, "and that success speaks far louder than the specious ramblings of any mean-spirited and insignificant Web site."

Della Tersa is undeterred. "They're as dumb as the 12-year-olds that write to us," he says.

"All we're doing is getting people to watch their show. ... You're idiots. We're [earning] you money for the sponsors!"

Fave shows just a click away
Don't bother picking up your remote control. Your favorite shows are online, convenient, free.

March 25, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
It's becoming easier and easier to watch TV without a TV. If you miss an episode of "Lost," you can go to ABC.com to watch not only the most recent episode, but also six others posted there. They're free to watch, unlike shows on $2-an-episode iTunes.
You can't download every TV series online. Fox doesn't post "American Idol," "The Simpsons" or "Family Guy" on MySpace.com/Fox. But you can see 13 other shows there, from "24" to "Bones" and "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
NBC.com serves up 13 series, including every episode of "Heroes." At ABC.com, you can prowl 12 series. CBS.com streams 19.
Certain series aren't online because the studios that film them have yet to sign a contract with TV networks. ("Criminal Minds" would be on CBS.com if CBS owned the show, or if CBS could reach an agreement with owner Paramount.)
An upside to surfing shows: Online, they aren't bundled with as many commercials as on TV. And you can pause, rewind and fast-forward with ease.
A downside: The CW posts most of its series, but CWTV.com's online video player pauses roughly for my Mac and ruins the experience. Same deal with ComedyCentral.com.
There's another catch. To handle the size of videos, you need a good and fairly new PC or Mac. My year-old laptop at home streams fine; my decade-old Mac at the office won't even think about running this stuff. Your computer also needs to be equipped with viewing software, which can be downloaded free through the network sites.

Here's what was online as of last week:

ABC.COM
• "According to Jim": Four episodes
• "Brothers & Sisters": 16 episodes
• "Dancing With the Stars": One episode
• "Desperate Housewives": Four episodes
• "Day Break": 12 episodes including the season finale
• "Grey's Anatomy": Four episodes
• "Knights of Prosperity": Nine episodes
• "Lost": Seven episodes
• "Men in Trees": Two episodes
• "Six Degrees": Four episodes
• "Ugly Betty": Six episodes
• "What About Brian?": 17 episodes
BONUS VIDEO ONLINE

• Behind the scenes at "General Hospital" and other soaps.
• Brief clips of "The View," "Good Morning America," "World News," "Primetime," "Nightline," "This Week" and "20/20."
• Snippets of late-night and primetime series.

NBC.COM
• "30 Rock": Five episodes
• "Andy Barker, P.I.": Six episodes, and most haven't aired on TV yet
• "The Apprentice": Eight episodes
• "The Black Donnellys": Four episodes, plus a fifth with cast and crew commentary, DVD-style
• "Friday Night Lights": 18 episodes
• "Heroes": 18 episodes
• "Las Vegas": 17 episodes from this season, plus all of last season
• "Medium": Two episodes
• "My Name is Earl": One episode
• "Passions": Five episodes
• "Raines": One episode
• "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip": Four episodes
BONUS VIDEOS

• Tina Fey answers viewers' questions on video.
• Jay Leno shows off his bike.
• Jim Gaffigan does the animated "Pale Force" with Conan O'Brien.

CBS.COM
• "48 Hours Mystery": Three episodes
• "Armed & Famous": Four episodes
• "As the World Turns": One episode
• "CBS Evening News": Five episodes
• "The Class": One episode
• "CSI": Four episodes
• "CSI: Miami": Three episodes
• "CSI: New York": Four episodes.
• "Face the Nation": One episode
• "How I Met Your Mother": Four episodes
• "Jericho": 16 episodes
• "NCIS": Four episodes
• "The New Adventures of Old Christine": Six episodes
• "Numb3rs": Four episodes
• "Rules of Engagement": Six episodes
• "Shark": One episode
• "Survivor: Fiji": Five episodes
• "The Unit": One episode
BONUS VIDEO ONLINE

• Exclusives like "Animate This!"
• Super Bowl commercials.
• Loads of fan-friendly clips, interviews and recaps of "various daytime, prime-time and late night shows, plus behind-the-scenes looks at "The Price Is Right," "Survivor" and other series.
• Extras focusing on the Grammys and a Victoria's Secret event.
• Recaps of Letterman's top 10 lists, monologues and other highlights.

MYSPACE.COM/FOX
(only the most recent of each)
"24"

• "American Dad"
• "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"
• "Bones"
• "The Loop"
• "The O.C."
• "Prison Break"
• "Standoff"
• "Talkshow with Spike Feresten"
• "'Til Death"
• "Vanished"
• "The War at Home"
• "The Winner"
BONUS ONLINE VIDEOS
Not much, unless you go to AmericanIdol.com to watch selected recaps.


CWTV.COM
• "All of Us": Four episodes
• "America's Next Top Model": Two episodes
• "Everybody Hates Chris": Four episodes
• "The Game": Five episodes
• "Girlfriends": Four episodes
• "One Tree Hill": Two episodes
• "Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for a New Doll": One episode
• "Supernatural": Four episodes
• "Veronica Mars": Two episodes
>BONUS VIDEO ONLINE
• "Top Model" outtakes
• Outtakes from director and creator commentaries for "Everybody Hates Chris" and other shows.

THE REST
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM
Plenty of episodes online, but (at least on my Mac) the media player jumps and pauses too much to enjoy them.

ESPN.COM: Extensive video clips of interviews, commentaries and game recaps. But it can be choppy video.

FXNETWORKS.COM: No FX episodes online.

HBO.COM: No episodes online, although, Bill Maher's "Overtime" episodes keep his "Real Time" guests on the set to chat and answer viewers' real-time questions at length.

MTV.COM: Full episodes of most original shows are not online but are available through iTunes. "The Andy Milonakis Show" begins its third season on MTV2 April 27, yet the entire new season is already buyable at iTunes ($10 for the season; $2 per episode; first episode free).

PBS.ORG: No episodes online.

SHO.COM: No episodes online.

TBS.COM: Has the full seasons of "My Boys" and "10 Items or Less," but only for Windows-equipped PC users.

TNT.TV: Nothing online -- not even "The Closer."

March 23, 2007

BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
I once screened "Babe: Pig in the City" for a girlfriend named Tiffany. Halfway through the lovely but dark movie, a stray kitten cries to other emaciated animals, "I'm hungry." Tiffany jumped from the couch. Tears screamed out of her face. I had to turn the movie off. She must have wept for 20 minutes.
Here's my message to Tiffany. This new Discovery Channel series called "Planet Earth" -- don't watch it. You'll cry your eyes out from all the animals getting killed and eaten, not to mention the tiny elephant calf who wanders, blinded by a sandstorm, away from mom, in an empty desert, to a certain, lonely death.
"Planet Earth" will break. Your. Heart. It broke mine.
Bravo to you people who can watch these animal shows. You're a steady bunch. Animals bite into animals while they're still alive. Bears fish for food in globally warmed environments that are melting away.
Disney would call this "The Circle of Life." I call it "The Circle of Death."
"Planet Earth" is a work of art, though. It's gorgeously shot in high definition. Five years in the making, the 11 episodes focus on the lives of nonhumans in their habitats around the globe.
The scope is pretty crazy. Seventy-one camera operators spent a cumulative 2,000 days sneaking into polar bear habitats, African deserts, caves, seas -- you name it. They used 40:1 zoom lenses and a gyro-stabilized helicopter camera to shoot intimate scenes up to a mile away, trying not to disturb living things.
Some scenes are unprecedented. You hear narrator Sigourney Weaver say stuff like this a lot: For the first time, the entire journey of a deaf and blind polar bear cub is caught on film. And: A cameraman spent 45 days in hiding to get a few minutes of footage of a male, six-plumed bird of paradise in New Guinea.
Fox News viewers can rest assured. Al Gore does not show up with a flow chart in a cave or on an ice cap. "Planet Earth" is not an explicit political statement about how we need to take action to stop the planet from eroding.
But there are endangered species everywhere, and environs are vanishing to the point that, say, polar bears seem doomed. This is the way the world is. If you resurrected "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" with Marlin Perkins, it too would spot Earth in reverse. There's just no getting around it.
It's simply a fact when Weaver says of Amur leopards, "The future of the entire species hangs on the survival of a handful of mothers and cubs."
For sure, the killing is overkill. Orchestral music (though striking) sounds ominously when wolves dine on caribou. You could say this is a music score for Darwinism. But then, every carnivorous animal preys on another. You could play ominous music over me eating a hamburger. Cows die somehow for my belly.
It's certainly not all death and destruction. Most images are just beautiful frames of rarely seen or never seen jungles, avalanches and reefs. Feel free to "eww" and "aww" at super cute monkeys, penguins, cubs, wild baby pandas, majestic golden eagles, oriental pheasants, arctic foxes, fur seals, and on and on.
But you may not want to watch this series if you get irrationally sad watching a hungry snow leopard bite into a lovely markhor in the Himalayas, because without freshly slaughtered dinner, the mother leopard's young cub will starve and die. The Circle of Death is a ravenous, desperate sphere.

March 23, 2007

'AMERICAN IDOL'
It's mind-blowing how the best singers are constantly being voted off. There's no way that Sanjaya, Haley or Gina should still be there. THEY CANNOT SING.
-Lena, Hillside

Gina wasn't so sure about the performance, but she did an awesome job regardless. I'm not a big Blake fan, but I was little surprised he didn't overdo it with the beatboxing, and even though he didn't show off his voice, if he even has one, I like the way he made the song his own.
-David, South Side

Stephanie being eliminated was a travesty. As cute as he is, Sanjaya should be gone. "Top Model's" Renee should go just because!!! What a WITCH!!!!
-Anna, Chatham

Melinda continues to perform at a level far above the other singers!! I would pay to listen to her in concert.
-Jim, Park Ridge

Sanjaya needs to go home NOW!
-Kathie, Lemont

'SURVIVOR: FIJI'
So long Anthony! I guess nice guys do finish last. Can someone get Rocky a muzzle?
-Melissa, Oak Lawn

'AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL'
The panel telling the "model" that her "dead shot" was DEAD had to be one of the funniest moments on TV this year.
-Michael, Roseland

March 22, 2007

'THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS PRESENT: THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT DOLL'
It can best be described as a sleazy, R-rated, amateur mixture of "American Idol" and "Dancing With the Stars." That being said, with half-clothed bodies gyrating and half-minded girls complaining, this show is more fun than "Idol" and "DWTS" combined.
Jonathan, Lake View

'AMERICAN IDOL'
Sanjaya Malakar was horrible again! The best performances of the night belonged to Jordin Sparks and Melinda Doolittle. One of these ladies will be the next "American Idol"!
Caesar, Matteson

March 22, 2007
Thanks to a Chicago Sun-Times horoscope, outspoken "The View" host Rosie O'Donnell has a new label. She is "quietly confident."
Rosie kept referring to herself as such after "View" comrade Barbara Walters repeated the phrase from Wednesday's horoscope entry, "IF MARCH 21 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY," by astrologer Georgia Nicols. The women were celebrating O'Donnell's 45th birthday.
Walters: "Here is her official horoscope from the Chicago Sun-Times . . . 'You definitely explore new turf.'"
Joy Behar piped up: "Does she ever!"
Walters: "You are quietly confident and march to your own drummer."
O'Donnell: "Quietly confident? I think 'quietly' is the wrong adjective. Or is that an adverb?"
Behar gave the birthday girl a toy dump truck with a Donald Trump photo fixed to its windshield. "Very creative, Joy," O'Donnell said, holding her tongue for once. "I'm being quietly confident."

March 21, 2007
'DANCING WITH THE STARS'
John Ratzenberger gained weight. Joey Fatone wants to lose weight. Heather Mills' leg stayed on. No one knows Shandi Finnessey.
-Sharon, Archer Heights

'24'
Jack learns that Audrey's "bit the dust,"
And CTU has had their trust
Invaded by an in-house spy,
While Daniels wants Muslims to die!
-Shelly, Northbrook

Last night's episode was weak -- at best. They had nothing about Logan being stabbed last week, which was the cliffhanger. Killing off Audrey in such a lame fashion did nothing for the show as well. Hopefully they get back on track next week.
-Sean, East Dundee

Undetectable nukes? Bah. A gung-ho president? Next. Wrathful Jack? CTU just joined the list of Bauer-betrayers. Whoops. Was that before they knew he pilots nukes?
Eric, La Grange

Rick Schroder showed he has come a long way since "Silver Spoons" and helped Jack stop one of the drone aircraft carrying a nuclear device.
-John, Bridgeport

Did you see "American Idol" on Tuesday night? How about "Pussycat Dolls" or "Tori & Dean"? E-mail us your review in 25 words or less to delfman@suntimes.com by noon today. Include your full name and neighborhood. The best reader reviews may make their way into Thursday's paper.

March 20, 2007
Review Monday night's "24" or "Dancing With the Stars" for us in 25 words or less. Just e-mail delfman@suntimes.com by noon today. Attach a photo of your face if you want your image considered for publication. Include your full name and neighborhood. The best reader reviews may make their way into Wednesday's paper.

March 20, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times

The Most Talented One
Melinda Doolittle, 29, Brentwood, Tenn.
A few weeks ago, Doolittle dialed up an overcooked song no one ever wanted to hear again, "My Funny Valentine." But she sang a sublime arrangement. It was the best performance of the sixth season.
Serious musicians are probably voting for her since she's a professional backup singer and studied music in college. She's humble on camera, too. She's like a cross between Miss American Idol and Miss Congeniality.

The Tall, Smiling Woman Who Sings Kind of Well
Jordin Sparks, 17, Glendale , Ariz.
She sings a step above a good cruise-ship crooner. Some of her song choices have been sappy from the Celine level. (Celine Dion is a sweetheart in person, but her English-language songs? Syrupy.) So. Sparks will probably win.

The Biggest Voice
LaKisha Jones, 27, Fort Meade, Md.
Judge Simon Cowell keeps saying this is a race between Doolittle and Jones. He'd be right if "Idol" voters at home actually voted for the best singers.
Jones has a larger voice than Doolittle, but she never rearranges a song. Impressive as she is, she doesn't personalize melodies. She also never says much. That may appear to voters like she's not excited enough or too certain of victory.

The Local
Gina Glocksen, 22, Naperville
Here's how lame "Idol" is. Glocksen is the rocker of the bunch. She sang Heart's 1987 power ballad "Alone." That doesn't make her a rocker. Singing Peaches' "Tent in Your Pants" would have rocked the house.
She's a pretty good singer. You gotta love the tongue stud. But her odds of winning are low. Then again, Chris Daughtry was the rocker last year. He lost. And now he's got one of the best-selling albums in America. Glocksen could try that route if she loses.

The Guy Who Looks Most MTV-Ready
Chris Richardson, 22, Chesapeake, Va.
Jackson thinks he's better than Jason Mraz, but Richardson sings worse than many pro singers in Chicago. Some of his song choices are contemporary, though. And he's got a good facial structure and hairline. Ergo, he'll get a record deal.

The One Who Gets the Military Vote
Phil Stacey, 29, Jacksonville, Fla.
He's the bald son of a preacher man who got sympathy for singing in Navy bands and auditioning on the day his wife gave birth to their second kid. He's a weak singer.

The Curly Hair Guy
Chris Sligh, 28, Greenville, S.C.
He has the most distinctive hair. He may also be the best male singer left, which makes him the seventh-best singer in the finals.

The One the Judges Hate
Sanjaya Malakar, 17, Federal Way, Wash.
Somehow, Sanjaya has stayed on yet another week. He has a light voice. The judges keep implying they don't know how in the world he's gotten this far. But why were they the ones who put him through to the final 24?
He should have kept his hair straight. (See photo.) The minute he went curly, he started getting voted into the lower ranks.

The One Who Uses a Human Beat Box to Mask His Non-Talent
Blake Lewis, 25, Bothell , Wash.
Blah-ke did an impression of a DJ ripping a record while singing horrible Jamaroquai's horrible "Virtual Insanity." Cowell was the only judge to bust Lewis for being a big "copycat" loser, because Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson were earless.

The One Who Cried Her Way to the Top 11
Haley Scarnato, 24, San Antonio
There was a "Simpsons" where a bad girl told Bart she could get away with anything by weeping. Meet Haley Scarnato. She murdered a song, she forgot lyrics, the judges dumped on her, but she cried and didn't get voted into the bottom three.

The Hot One Who Also Can Sing
Stephanie Edwards, 19, Savannah, Ga.
Edwards is the only one who's completely MTV-ready. She has done a very good job of covering Beyonce and Alicia Keyes. She doesn't rearrange their hits. But at least you can hear her tuneful, contemporary vocalizations.

March 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times
Very few people have complained about how they were portrayed in the radio show "This American Life,"