May 25, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" is rooted historically, so no surprise twists come in the HBO movie. America's genocide of Indians is its most shameful crime, so as a viewer you really only wonder in which ways Indians will die.

It's based on the hefty 1970 book, but it smartly, narrowly focuses on three men who represent the American Indian experience at the close of the 19th century. "Bury My Heart" approaches them quite fairly.

There's Sitting Bull, who fights to the bitter end, until all other Indians have surrendered and settled on reservations, where they starve and die of bullets and disease.

Sitting Bull (August Schellenberg) isn't just glorified as a legend. He's too proud and makes questionable claims, as Sitting Bull really did.

Henry Dawes is a Republican who offers money and land to convince Indians to succumb lest they should be further brutalized; regardless, Indians are slain.

Dawes isn't cardboard evil. Mostly quietly, Aidan Quinn plays him as a flawed soul with half-decent intentions.

In between these two men is Charles Eastman, an Indian raised by whites who becomes a doctor for the tribes. Eastman (Adam Beach), husband of poet Elaine Goodale (Anna Paquin), is a man of two races, and a man without a race.

The film is well-plotted and acted, though moderate in technique. The aesthetic is mainstream cinema, with sweeping violins and obvious camera shots. It can seem plodding, romantically doomed and always gloomy. Not bad, not great.

It would make for a good film for teachers and parents to show kids, and I don't mean that as a put-down. In college, I probably would have enjoyed it in lit class when we studied Chief Joseph's surrender speech:

"I am tired of fighting. Our chiefs are killed. ... I want to have time to look for my children, and see how many of them I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."

Missing in my classrooms but humanely covered in "Bury" are daily horrors: forced to be Christian, to take a "Christian name," to witness loved ones slaughtered, and to assimilate or die in America, for we are the land of the "free."

delfman@suntimes.com

May 24, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

I told you so. Two months ago, I said here that 17-year-old Jordin Sparks probably would win "American Idol" with her good, sappy singing, her tallness and the way she freakily smiles as if she's trying to win over her teddy bear.

She earned the crown Wednesday night, thanked her family, then sang-cried through her first single, the "Idol" original "This Is My Now."

The finale show was 128 minutes of dull-pain performances, filler and fake awards presented to previous "Idols."

The runner-up, Blake, beatboxed with rapper Doug E. Fresh, who begged the crowd, "Now screeeeeam." Oh, my soul was screaming.

Gladys Knight sang "Midnight Train to Georgia." She's been riding that train since 1973. "Idol" is so contemporary and all.

More spectacularly, failed contestants Sanjaya (the awful one) and Phil (or, as my friend Eve calls him, bald "Bat Boy" from the Weekly World News) sang backup to Smokey Robinson on "Tears of a Clown" (1966).

There were high points. A Beatles medley wasn't heinous. And Tony Bennett sang. He's the greatest living singer over 50. But my God, people. Can't you light Tony Bennett with bulbs that don't make his gray hair look purple? It's freaking Tony Bennett.

Failed auditioner Kenneth Briggs reappeared to glare his crazy platter-size eyes at "Idol" watchers again. He's the one Simon called a "bush baby" because those eyes are monkey-ish.

"I do not look like a monkey!" Monkey Boy said with his monkey mouth.

Every year, critics say "Idol's" ratings will freefall at any second. They're always wrong.

But this season did give JumpTheShark.com three big lows. Shark readers voted Sanjaya the No. 1 reason "Idol" became unwatchable. The No. 9 reason was the March 20 moment when a young female Sanjaya fan bawled in his presence. The "Idol Gives Back" episode is No. 8.

"Idol" feeds its own self-parody. Wednesday, Sanjaya got more performance time than the other booted failures. He creamed the Kinks' "You Really Got Me Now." It was terrrrible. Yet it was still better than previous "Idol" Taylor Hicks; on harmonica, Hicks blew, what's new?

That little Sanjaya fan showed up to cry some more. And Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," making audience member Jerry Springer teary. No shame. "Idol" is the wind breaking beneath America's things.

Polls that showed Blake would win were wrong. His most famous fans -- Ellen DeGeneres and the women of "The View" -- will be heartbroken.

The contestant who got ejected last week, Melinda, once again outsang the victors. By the way, I DVR'd "Idol" last week. When I watched the recording, I found that "Idol" ran late, so my DVR (and presumably many others) didn't record Melinda's phone-vote numbers -- only Blake's and Jordin's. Good going, Fox.

Both finalists and the winners of "Idol's" songwriting contest were from Seattle or auditioned there. Funny. In January, I asked Simon, "Is there one city you hope you never go back to for auditions?"

"We won't be going back to Seattle next year. I do like the city, I just hated the singers that turned up," he said.

Me, too, Simon. Me, too.

May 23, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Blake Lewis is a pad of butter. He is soggy toast. And yet, he may win "American Idol" tonight.

On Tuesday, like a broken record, he again "sang" and beatboxed Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." (Painful.) Singing Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved," his voice cracked in and out of tune. He was flat. He was sharp.

On "This Is My Now," the new ballad chosen by online vote for Tuesday's faceoff, he vocalized more convincingly, all dressed up like a 12-year-old's idea of an emo punk, in white skinny tie, shiny argyle vest and short-sleeve green shirt.

But that was the only Blake performance the judges didn't like. To the contrary, Jordin Sparks was full-throated but flat or off-key throughout her interpretation of "This Is My Now." Then she cried. The judges loved it.

She also very capably covered Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" and Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing."

At the end, judges seemed swayed by Jordin, though they lit up as usual while critiquing Blake and grew quieter when they addressed Jordin. Why do they love him? He's so cheesy. Why are they reserved with her? She's way more talented.

But Jordin could be screwed with at-home voters. Ellen DeGeneres and women on "The View" have turned against their fellow female to campaign for Blake. Influential VoteForTheWorst.com is backing him, too.

Three prognosticators thought pre-Tuesday that Blake would wear the tiara tonight.

• • Blake was favored 60 percent to 40 percent among 1.2 million users of online social networker Quepasa Corp.

• • eBay said Blake-branded items were selling better, 486 items to 340 for Jordin.

• • And Yahoo said more people were Yahoo-ing for Blake. Yahoo claimed pre-teens and young teens favored Blake 55 percent to Jordin's 31 percent. Just 20 percent Yahoo'ed for ejected Melinda. Those crazy kids hated Melinda!

By the way, Illinois people don't care about "Idol" so much. The list of states where people are Yahoo-ing "Idol" is topped by Hawaii, Washington, Arizona, Alabama and Maine. Big Illinois is nowhere to be found.

May 22, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Heroes" paid off big like it promised. The prophecy that superhero Peter kept seeing all season was half-right. He did blow up like a nuke in New York.

But in network TV's most anticipated finale of the season, the exploding man made his fireworks high over the city and New York was saved.

If you're unaware: Peter (Milo Ventimiglia) and Sylar (Zachary Quinto) spent the season collecting powers, including the ability to generate nuclear-reactor-strength energy. They had a fisticuffs showdown in a New York square.

Hiro the time-traveler (Masi Oka) stabbed Sylar with a sword. Peter still couldn't stop himself from going boom. Claire the cheerleader (Hayden Panettiere), crying, was about to shoot Peter (her uncle) to stop his bombness.

But Peter's flying brother Nathan (Adrian Pasdar) swooped in, grabbed Peter and soared, and they blew up. Peter will survive; he has that ability. So did all the best-intentioned heroes, apparently.

There was no annoying cliffhanger, though Hiro was last seen time-traveling to a 17th century battle in Japan during a solar eclipse.

I could wax poetic about why the character-based show about super people is great. But let's cut the crap: "Heroes" has been sooo cool. You can say it was cool in dorky ways. But dork is the new cool or something.

The best dorky-cool moment on Monday came when Hiro saved his little buddy Ando from Sylar's evil mind grip, then time-traveled Ando safely back to Japan. Ando has no power, so he would have been toast trying to slay Sylar.

"Your whole life," adorable Ando told adorable Hiro, "you talked about your favorite stories. 'Star Wars.' 'Star Trek.' 'Superman.' 'Kensei.' All the heroes you wanted to be. One day, people will tell the story of Hiro Nakamura."

So sweet. So dorky. So cool. Then Ando described Hiro the way many viewers would like to be described (since "Heroes" is vicarious transference): "You look badass."

"Really?" Hiro said. A big smile dawned across his happy face. He closed his eyes, teleported to the scene of the crime and helped save the world.

delfman@suntimes.com

May 20, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN

Last fall, the cast and crew of "Heroes" knew they had a good show on their hands. But they were nervous about the time slot. The show's super people would have to compete against "24." Now "Heroes" is beating "24."

And Monday's season finale is probably the most anticipated TV drama event of the year.

Which heroes will die while trying to stop an exploding man from destroying New York City? Are we all dorks for caring? Yeah, but that's not our problem.

It's been a wham-bang first season, accomplishing the improbable: It captured our TV nation with a character-based, sci-fi, supernatural story line, humming with a patient tone amid graphic novel imagery.

"Heroes" is topical, too. If you psychoanalyze it, you clearly see parallels to our own political state.

But not everything about "Heroes" works. Mothers are portrayed cruelly. And there have been at least three plotting missteps.

Here's my psychobabble about at all that.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR THEY'RE NOT

'Heroes" has some serious mommy issues. Every mother character is either vicious to some degree or out of her mind.
MOMMY DEAREST: Villainous Sylar essentially asked his mom to stop him, because he thinks he'll kill millions of innocents in New York. But she berated him until he killed her, making him even crazier. She was a psycho killer-rearing mommy.

SERIAL MOM: Niki is a good mother to Micah. But she often morphs into her evil and powerful dead sister. As Jessica, she kills people, engages in blackmail and tries to shoot Micah's dad in the head. She's a murderous mommy, half the time.

ONE CRAZY MOTHER: Claire's adopted mom, Sandra, occasionally mocks her beloved dog and dodders cluelessly around the house, because the big bad agency keeps cleaning her brain of super-people knowledge. She's sweet, but a Grade-A nutbag.

CLAIRE HAS TWO MOMMIES: Claire found her biological mom, Meredith, and said she wanted to meet her biological dad, too. Meredith phoned Claire's dad, Nathan, but only to squeeze him for $100,000. And she didn't let Claire meet him. Trashy.

BIG BAD MAMA: Claire tracked down her biological grandma Angela (Peter and Nathan's mom), and she appears to be complicit in the big agency's plan to let New York get blown up so Nathan can ascend politically. She's a nasty piece of work.

MISTER MOMS: Dads are mostly good. Her whole life, Claire's adopted dad, Jack, has protected her, and he's joined the resistance to the big bad agency. Mohinder's dad was trying to help super-people before he died. And Micah's dad D.L. is trying to save his son from both Jessica and the bad guys. Hiro's dad, Kaito, appears to be using his power to help his son battle evil. But power-hungry Nathan has been crappy to Claire, abandoning her years ago, though even his fate as either good or bad is TBD. Also, Mr. Linderman appears to be both a father and evil.

BRING BACK EDEN AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH 'HEROES'

'Heroes" has been a Critic's rating: show all season. But nobody's perfect. Here are the three biggest mistakes the "Heroes" writers have made.

1. IT'S SO DEMANDING: Every single episode has been part of a season-long mythological story. It's going down the road of the constant serial, like "Lost" and "Days of Our Lives." That works for now. But if you watch old "X-Files," you'll see that sci-fi show's self-contained installments are usually the most compelling episodes.

Creator Tim Kring, who's done a brilliant job so far, ought to think about building in more one-off hours, the way "X-Files" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" did. People may be burning out on the constant serial. They're sure tired of "Lost."

2. HIRO'S RICH? At the beginning of the season, Hiro rose up from an office desk in Japan and began to time-travel. It was awesome. It looked at the time that he was an average guy, "Spider-Man"-like, who was very special on the inside. Aww. But it turns out his dad Kaito is a wealthy industrialist or something. Hiro's still great, but he was more appealing when we all thought he was an Everyman in ascent.

3. THE DEATH OF EDEN: One of the most compelling heroes was Eden. She had this cool power of persuasion. She put Sylar to sleep and got people to do her bidding. But Sylar was about to kill her and steal her power, so she shot herself. Although, her death was confirmed only off-screen, so maybe she's alive. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

CONSPIRACY THEORIES BREED SCI-FI ENTERTAINMENT

On the surface, "Heroes" is just a comic book story in the realm of the Justice League, but done up real nice.
Read between the lines, though, and you may infer plot points are commenting on American conspiracy theories -- the ones that suggest our anti-utopian U.S. government is purposely profiting from the "War on Terror."

There's an honorable history of sci-fi entertainment satirizing or observing how people's freedoms are impinged by governments and corporations. So look at "Heroes" this way.

There's a Texas company called Primatech (think Haliburton or the Carlyle Group). It is a nefarious front for an outfit engaged in a scheme to let New York get blown up (9/11). One goal may be to pass forbidding laws (the Patriot Act) and round up people with super-powers (terror suspects). It will also allow a law-and-order New York politician to run for president (Rudy Giuliani). An evil guy behind the scenes is moneyman/powerbroker Mr. Linderman (a James R. Bath/James Baker type, I suppose).

Those under suspicion are mainly good citizens, though a few are violent extremists (Muslims).

Malcolm McDowell, who plays Linderman, jokes that his main concern is looking good on TV, so it's not really possible for Linderman to be based on, say, our less attractive vice president.

"Who wants to play Dick Cheney?" McDowell says.

(Attention people who occasionally e-mail me: I do not think the U.S. government caused 9/11.)

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

It's never a good sign when a movie company doesn't let critics see a film before it's released. That means the company knows it's a stinker.

It's rarer when a video game company keeps critics from pre-reviewing a splashy new release.

But this is the case with "Spider-Man 3." Activision held onto the game until May 4, supposedly to coincide with the film's opening. Once you play it, though, you soon understand how stinky it is.

"Spider-Man 3" looks bad. Faces are drawn as if by amateur cartoonists. Spider-Man's moves are choppy. When I play it on my PS 3, the buttons aren't very responsive. Therefore I, Spider-Man, keep getting punched in the face.

I do not like getting punched in the face.

The game goes from annoying to decent, then to super-duper annoying. First, you have to work through a tutorial: Here's how to kick; here's how to dodge a fist; and so on. Gamers hate tutorials. They hate having to dodge even worse. We just want to tussle.

Then, the game gets pretty good for seven hours. You swing through the big city. You pummel guys. And you begin to think everything's swell.

But halfway through, it becomes so amazingly difficult, boring and frustrating, I stopped playing it, and I will never return.

What a head-scratcher. The first two "Spider-Man" games were terrific. Mostly what Activision did here was add some new characters and scenes inspired by the third film and update the city with new missions.

The game sends you webbing between skyscrapers to carry out violent goals, kind of like a bloodless, "PG" version of "Grand Theft Auto," starring a good sticky guy.

But what's with the pressing of certain buttons in sequence, "Dragon's Lair" style? And what's with all this repetitive punching? Seriously, to win fights against most gangsters, all I do is press seven PS 3 buttons at the same time, constantly. It's a monster mash.

The first time I fought the new Goblin, I landed 120 straight combo attacks in a row, which is like winning a basketball game 100-0. But later, Sandman became adequately tough. And after him came a horde of game-ruining, invincible villains.

I spent four hours failing to beat up an immortal Kraven, some drug dealer guy, plus a giant lizard protected by a force field. This is when I figured out what a disaster "Spider-Man 3" is. What could have been a three-star game is a one-star game.

Film fans may be glad it comes with voice acting from movie stars Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace and J.K. Simmons. Kirsten Dunst is missing. Some other actress coos in her place. ("Go faster!" Shut up!)

Like in previous "Spider-Mans," Maguire gives funny deliveries of silly lines. When he's battling big lizards, he casually says, "This will definitely set back human-giant lizard relations."

But I will never hear whatever Maguire recorded for the second half of "Spider-Man 3," since it is the most flawed major release I can remember in some time. Didn't anyone at Activision test-play this game?

("Spider-Man 3" retails for $60 for PS 3 and Xbox 360; $50 for Wii; $40 for PS 2; $30 for DS and GBA -- Plays fun sometimes, but mostly repetitive, and alternately easy or frustrating. Looks OK. Ultimately, very challenging. Rated "T" for mild language and violence. One star out of four.)

May 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Grey's Anatomy" can't let anything go well for its doctors. That would make it a show about joy -- rather than misery -- in relationships. So in Thursday's season finale, Burke dumped Cristina as she stood thin in her wedding dress.

Burke said he was in love not with her, but with the woman he was trying to change her into. He took his stuff from their place. And poor Cristina had an anxiety-crying attack. Meredith cut the dress off her and held her tight.

Meredith continued to be a great friend but a moody mate. Granted, Derek has put her through the wringer and was mean to her. He sniped that flirting with another woman was the best part of his week. But he came around.

"I do love you," he said. "You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me" emotionally.

He asked her -- if she sees no future with him -- to end it, "because I can't. I'm in it. ... Put me out of my misery."

She didn't respond, of course.

Meanwhile, Callie and George agreed to have a baby. But Izzie finally told him, "I'm in love with you. ... Say something."

He didn't say a word. Instead, George failed his intern test. He cleaned out his locker, but not before meeting a new intern -- Meredith's half-sister Lexie.

Good luck, Lexie, in finding uncomplicated pleasure at Seattle Grace.

Finally: Sad-sacky Pam took Jim's offer for a "date." Jim buckled when he saw a sweet note she'd slipped him. Michael reunited with Jan but lost a bid for her job: "I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere." Jan's job went to Ryan. He immediately dumped Kelly.

May 17, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

The Crime Broadcasting System will keep blood and guts flowing in the streets this fall. Of its 21 prime-time hours, 14 will be filled by crime shows. Seven of those use variations of "crime" in the title.

The only murder show CBS is killing is "Close to Home," with Jennifer Finnigan.

That leaves Kathryn Morris' "Cold Case" and Jennifer Love Hewitt's "Ghost Whisperer" as the only female-fronted fiction on CBS' fall slate. It's no wonder ABC is morphing into the network of strong women. ABC picked "beat 'em" instead of "join 'em."

It's hard to argue with CBS' strategy, though. It's No. 1 in the ratings. It got there by sticking to old-school, macho TV: crime dramas with ensemble casts and traditional sitcoms riddled with laugh tracks.

CBS is replacing "The Class" with "The Big Bang Theory," a comedy from the makers of "Two and a Half Men." It's about two geeks who crush on their sexy waitress neighbor.

The network claims its new shows take a "diverse" break from crime waves. But two of three new fall dramas flash the gore:

• "Moonlight" stakes out a good vampire who's a crime-dog private eye, in the bloody vein of CW's "Angel" (R.I.P.).

• The "Cop Rock"-like "Viva Laughlin" makes cast members lip-sync to hit songs while a casino boss wannabe gets "embroiled in a murder investigation."

Out of character for CBS, "Cane" finds Jimmy Smits running a Cuban-American sugar and rum trade. And the one new drama for midseason is "Swingtown," where swingers swap in "an affluent Chicago suburb" in the 1970s.

So instead of "CSI: Chicago," our town gets sexaholics. Now that's what I call a taste of Chicago.

SCHEDULE
New shows in bold
SUNDAY
6 p.m. ''60 Minutes''
7 p.m. ''Viva Laughlin''
8 p.m. ''Cold Case''
9 p.m. ''Shark''

MONDAY
7 p.m. ''How I Met Your Mother''
7:30 p.m. ''The Big Bang Theory''
8 p.m. ''Two and a Half Men''
8:30 p.m. ''Rules of Engagement''
9 p.m. ''CSI: Miami''

TUESDAY
7 p.m. ''NCIS''
8 p.m. ''The Unit''
9 p.m. ''Cane''

WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. ''Kid Nation''
8 p.m. ''Criminal Minds''
9 p.m. ''CSI: NY''

THURSDAY
7 p.m. ''Survivor: China''
8 p.m. ''CSI: Crime Scene Investigation''
9 p.m. ''Without a Trace''

FRIDAY
7 p.m. ''Ghost Whisperer''
8 p.m. ''Moonlight''
9 p.m. ''Numb3rs''

SATURDAY
7 p.m. Crime drama reruns
9 p.m. ''48 Hours Mystery''

CANCELED
"The Class," "Close to Home," "Jericho"

ON THE MOVE
"Shark," from 9 p.m. Thursdays to 9 p.m. Sundays
"Without a Trace," from 9 p.m. Sundays to 9 p.m. Thursdays

RETURNING LATER
"The Amazing Race," "The New Adventures of Old Christine"

Doug Elfman
May 16, 2007
The sweet end of "Gilmore Girls" came Tuesday with the best episode in forever.
Chatty neighbors of Stars Hollow, Conn., threw a surprise party for Rory, who packed to go cover Barack Obama for an online magazine. Luke planned it. Lorelai kissed him. Weeping Lorelai watched her Rory sleep.
And before the final fade, mother and daughter gabbed, like they did seven seasons back, a lifetime of fandom ago.

May 16, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

ABC -- the best place on TV for a Venus razor commercial. The estrogen network's new lineup looks like the cover of a Cosmo magazine.

Renewed: "Dancing With the Stars"! "The Bachelor"! "Ugly Betty"! "Men in Trees"!

New shows: "Women's Murder Club"! A "Grey's Anatomy" spin-off! And later in the season -- a do-gooder giveaway show from Oprah Winfrey!

It's astonishing. Ever since "Desperate Housewives," "Grey's" and "Dancing With the Stars" catapulted ABC to second place in the ratings, the network has gestated into a richer version of the Oxygen channel. Peruse the description for the drama "Big Shots":

"This is the story of four friends at the top of their game ... until the women in their lives enter the room."

Female casts are dressed with man meat. Taye Diggs. Michael Vartan. Dylan McDermott. Peter Krause.

Just look at the soapy wiles of Wednesdays: "Pushing Daisies." ("Ned puts his ability to good use ... touching dead fruit and making it ripe.") "Private Practice." (The "Grey's" spinoff.) And "Dirty Sexy Money." ("Power, privilege and family money are a volatile cocktail.")

To keep perspective, this is a counter to the boyhood and leggy models found on E!, Spike and parts of the CW. TV is nothing if it's not pandering to one stereotype or another.

Besides, Hollywood being Hollywood, ABC's narrative flows are still being created, directed and written mostly by men. Yet (to put it cynically), they're turning ABC into the channel women make men watch.

SCHEDULE
New shows in bold

SUNDAY
6 p.m. ''America's Funniest Home Videos''
7 p.m. ''Extreme Makeover: Home Edition''
8 p.m. ''Desperate Housewives''
9 p.m. ''Brothers and Sisters''
MONDAY
7 p.m. ''Dancing With the Stars''
8:30 p.m. ''Sam I Am''
9 p.m. ''The Bachelor''

TUESDAY
7 p.m. ''Cavemen''
7:30 p.m. ''Carpoolers''
8 p.m. ''Dancing With the Stars Results''
9 p.m. ''Boston Legal''

WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. ''Pushing Daisies''
8 p.m. ''Private Practice''
9 p.m. ''Dirty Sexy Money''

THURSDAY
7 p.m. ''Ugly Betty''
8 p.m. ''Grey's Anatomy''
9 p.m. ''Big Shots''

FRIDAY
7 p.m. ''Men in Trees''
8 p.m. ''Women's Murder Club''
9 p.m. ''20/20''

SATURDAY
7 p.m. ''Saturday Night College Football''

CANCELED
''George Lopez,'' ''Knights of Prosperity,'' "The Nine," "What About Brian." (Still undetermined: "According to Jim.")

RETURNING LATER
"Lost," "Notes From the Underbelly," "October Road," "Supernanny," "Wife Swap"

May 15, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

NBC wants to strike gold again like it did with its only recent hit, "Heroes." So its new fall dramas star a "Bionic Woman" and a super-brained spy. There's even a short "Heroes: Origins" spinoff coming next spring.

Things are so supernatural at NBC, even two producers from the austere "West Wing" are horning in on the action with "Journeyman," a fall mystery about a do-gooder newspaper scribbler who time travels. (Time traveling? Like in "Heroes"?)

The other big bulk of NBC's fall slate is filled by game shows. Four weeknights begin with "Deal or No Deal" and pals.

With NBC trying to buy viewers with competitions and superpowered heroes, comedies are dying. NBC will debut no new sitcoms this fall. The only four comedies will be Thursday holdovers "My Name Is Earl," "30 Rock," "The Office" and "Scrubs." All know acclaim. None is a Top 10 hit.

There will be one new "Office"-ish comedy, but not until January. "The IT Crowd" takes a crack at information tech geeks gone mild.

Avoiding comedies is a big pullback from the network that reinvigorated sitcoms with "The Cosby Show," "Seinfeld" and "Friends."

If you're curious what's supplanting laugh half-hours, look no further than a series NBC is slotting for 2008: "Lipstick Jungle." This is NBC traipsing ABC's terrain by blending light comedy with drama into a "dramedy" cocktail starring Brooke Shields.

"Lipstick" is based on a book by Candace ("Sex and the City") Bushnell. It knits a circle of women "determined to achieve their dreams and to do it on their own terms," says NBC.

Does that sound sidesplitting to you? Maybe not, but at least the women are only super on the inside.

Hello and goodbye
Canceled
"The Black Donnellys," "Crossing Jordan," "Identity," "Raines," "The Real Wedding Crashers," "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," "Thank God You're Here." (Still undetermined: "The Apprentice")

On the move
"Law & Order: Criminal Intent," to USA Network.
"Deal or No Deal," from 8 p.m. Sundays to 7 p.m. Wednesdays.
"Friday Night Lights," from 7 p.m. Wednesdays to 7 p.m. Fridays.
"Medium," from 9 p.m. Wednesdays to 8 p.m. Mondays (starting in January).

Schedule, new shows in bold
SUNDAY
6 p.m. "Football Night in America"
7 p.m. "NBC Sunday Night Football"
MONDAY
7 p.m. "Deal or No Deal"
8 p.m. "Heroes"
9 p.m. "Journeyman"
TUESDAY
7 p.m. "The Biggest Loser"
8 p.m. "Chuck"
9 p.m. "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. "Deal or No Deal"
8 p.m. "Bionic Woman"
9 p.m. "Life"
THURSDAY
7 p.m. "My Name Is Earl"
7:30 p.m. "30 Rock"
8 p.m. "The Office"
8:30 p.m. "Scrubs"
9 p.m. "ER"
FRIDAY
7 p.m. "1 vs 100"
8 p.m. "Las Vegas"
9 p.m. "Friday Night Lights"
SATURDAY
7 p.m. "Dateline NBC"
8 p.m. Reruns

NEW SHOWS
DRAMA
"Bionic Woman": The new Jaime Sommers (British actress Michelle Ryan) is a bartender who takes care of her teen sister.

"Chuck": A computer geek (Zachary Levi of "Less Than Perfect") accidentally downloads a bunch of government secrets into his brain.

"Journeyman": A newspaperman (Kevin McKidd of "Rome") inexplicably starts traveling through time.

"Life": A detective (Damian Lewis from "Band of Brothers") returns to the force after serving time for a crime he didn't commit.

"Lipstick Jungle": Brooke Shields, Kim Raver and Lindsay Price play New York pals invented by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell. (January)

COMEDY

"The IT Crowd": Our version of a British series about tech wizards who fix computers and stick to themselves. (Midseason)

REALITY

"The Singing Bee": In this karaoke game show, contestants lose points for messing up song lyrics. (Midseason)

"World Moves": So you think you can't watch another dance competition? Executive producer Randy Jackson thinks you will. (Midseason)

May. 11, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

Even though we're living in the age of Don't Let The Terrorists Win, video games continue to obsess over bigger, badder villains. After all these years, Nazis remain the ultimate, unredeemable stinkwads for gamers to shoot in the eyeballs.

Witness "Medal of Honor Vanguard." It's the -- wait, let me count; one, two, three -- yes, it's the zillionth World War II game ever made where you play as a soldier who parachutes into battle zones to machine-gun Nazis and Italian fascists.

Sounds like a good online game, right? Well, "Vanguard" is fairly entertaining when you play against the computer. But there's no option where you get to go online to beat up gamers nicknamed ImGonnaKillYou FromPortland or whatever.

When we hard-core gamers can't fight each other online, we feel limited to a few hours of offline adventure. Surprisingly, plenty of other new and recently released games also eschew the online world.

• You can't play "Burnout Dominator" online. Worse: unlike previous "Burnouts," you don't get to toy with a "Crash" mode, where you drive a car into an intersection then blow it up, setting other cars aflame in a destruction of points. (Fire!)

Even so, "Dominator" is still a fun and zippy racing tournament, laying down 88 tracks where you bump competitors off the road in slow-motion wrecks.

• "Full Auto 2: Battlelines," which came out way back in December, is similar to "Burnout," except you also shoot machine guns at competitor cars. "Full Auto 2" does let you play online. Unfortunately, a few Fridays ago, I went online with it, and there weren't enough gamers to start even a four-person race. That's a sad state of affairs for "Battlelines."

• "Test Drive Unlimited" lets you road-race cars online in Oahu, Hawaii, but something is missing in the new PS 2 edition. Compared to the lovely beast that came out for Xbox 360 last year, it's not as pretty.

And there's nothing to do but race; there are no missions other than losing traction around tight corners. I certainly don't like it when I come to a halt after I ram into trees and telephone poles. I've been spoiled with racing games where I knock that junk over. Objectively speaking, "Unlimited" is good. It's just not stupid enough for me. (It's too earnest and realistic.)

• A great racing game is "SSX Blur," which isn't even about cars. It's a lustrous and fast outing of extreme snowboarding over half pipes, where you do trick jumps and speed down trails. And? That's right. You cannot play it online. Geez.

• Meanwhile, "UEFA Champions League 2006-2007" is basically just another very good soccer game, but since it offers online matches, this makes it a fuller soccer experience.

"UEFA" also solves soccer's biggest problem. In other soccer games, just as I catch up to a soccer ball-dribbling opponent, suddenly the game makes me control some other bozo on my defense, many yards away. That does not happen so much in "UEFA." Hallelujah.

Now if only I weren't the worst soccer player in the online planet, everything would be hunky dory.

("Burnout Dominator" retails for $40 for PS 2, PSP -- Plays fun, but online competition isn't available. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E 10+" for violence. Three stars out of four.)

("Full Auto 2: Battlelines" retails for $60 for PS 3, $40 for PSP -- Plays fairly fun, but there aren't enough online gamers playing it. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "T" for violence. Three stars.)

("Medal of Honor Vanguard" retails for $50 for Wii, $40 for PS 2 -- Plays fun, but the lack of online gaming makes it a relatively short game. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "T" for blood, language, violence. Three stars.)

("SSX Blur" retails for $50 for Wii -- Plays very fun, but lacks online gaming. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E" for comic mischief. Three and one-half stars.)

("Test Drive Unlimited" retails for $40 for Xbox 360, PS 2, PSP -- Plays fun if you enjoy near-simulation racing, including online. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E 10+" for language, violence. Three stars.)

("UEFA Champions League 2006-2007" retails for $60 for Xbox 360, $30 for PS 2, $50 for PSP -- Plays fun, includes online gaming. Looks good. Difficult. Rated "E." Three stars.)

May 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Where are the viewer votes for "American Idol" front-runner Jordin Sparks coming from? Possibly the Christian right.

A photo that seems to show her holding a "Stop Abortion Now" sign is making the rounds of "Idol" fan postings online.

Most viewers are unaware, though. In "Idol" fashion, no one on air ever asks Jordin about politics, since "Idol" builds up these future musical properties with cotton candy profiles.

Anti-abortion-rights people are definitely trying to politicize "Idol." A few weeks ago, "Idol" raised $70 million for poverty charities in America and Africa.

At least one overzealous outfit attacked the show in a press release, screaming in a headline, "AMERICAN IDOL NOW FUNDING PRO-ABORTION GROUPS."

You see, two charities that benefitted were UNICEF and Save the Children, organizations that feed the most starving-to-death families around the world.

But UNICEF and Save the Children also do family planning. If potential mothers die of hunger, their someday-unborn babies won't even become pre-unborn. True believers don't want to hear that.

So now, the trio of finalists is Jordin, Blake Lewis and Melinda Doolittle. Horrible Blake will probably get ejected next week. Paula Abdul loves Blake. My friend Ashley says that's because Paula is sexist and stands up to dance during male performances.

This week, Paula called Blake a "contemporary rebel" for the way he beatboxed to Bee Gees songs in falsetto. That would have made him a rebel in 1983, maybe. Also a dork.

But based on the old ages of songs contestants must sing, the aggregate year "Idol" actually takes place in is 1982, so of course Paula thinks Blake is ahead of the back-to-the-future curve.

The judges truly need to catch up. A few months ago, Blake sang "All Mixed Up," a huge 1995 MTV hit that helped sell 3 million albums for the band 311. Paula, Randy and Simon beamed at how modern it sounded, since they'd never heard it.

In other words, Paula, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are so out of touch with modern rock from 2007 and Top 10 rock from 1995 that they think Blake's subpar beatboxing is hip to be square.

Fortunately, voters probably won't stick with Blake. Melinda and Jordin look destined for a faceoff. Melinda should win, as the only contestant who interprets fresh arrangements of old songs and sings them strong in perfect pitch.

Christian rightists ought to be pleased with Melinda. In her official "Idol" bio, she says if she wins the first thing she'll do is thank "Jesus and my mommy."

But Melinda peaked too early. Simon has stopped cooing over her (he sways viewer-voters). And Melinda is shorter in the beauty contest with Jordin, who's tall, 17 and powered up with momentum from judges and conservative religious observers.

May 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Yale graduates keep ruining the world. Bumbling politicians. Oil magnates. Montgomery Burns. And now some fresh-faced Yalies are terror suspects in ABC's new "Traveler." Some of my best friends are Yalies. But I usually keep it quiet.

Tonight's preview of "Traveler" (debuting May 30) begins as three Yale guys pack for a post-graduation road trip. But first they stop by a museum in New York. A bomb goes off. And suddenly, the Yalies are suspects in the explosion.

The two main Yalies appear to be blameless. But this is one of those shows that wouldn't exist if characters reacted the way you and I would. Instead of going to the feds with vital information, they stupidly decide to go on the run as innocent fugitives.

Because when you're innocent, you should flee from the cops. While the TV news is flashing your picture all across America. Yalies are S-M-R-T.

Then again, maybe the Yalies should take flight, because this is also yet another show with a government-type conspiracy in the shadows; powerful older Yalie types may or may not be trying to pin the bomb thing on these faultless, fatless yuppies.

The debut episode isn't so bad. The action is fairly taut, except for a dumb foot chase. The direction is tight, despite a few improbable twists.

But there is one serious aggravation. Scriptwriters really want you to know the names of the three main guys. So you hear "Jay," "Tyler" and "Will" 73 times in 42 minutes, not counting commercials that fill out the hour.

"I don't want to go without you, Jay," one guy says, then adds, "Jay, for both of our sakes. ..."

Here's my question for you: When you're standing around talking to friends, do you name-check them constantly and refer formally to their occupations? Like this?

Says Will: "I'm not a chemical engineer for the next two months. And you, Tyler, are not a venture capitalist. And you, Jay, are definitely not a lawyer. No, for the next two months, we are professional vagabonds!"

Ha. "Vagabonds." Big Yalie word.

Yale must be one wild and crazy place. Apparently, dudes' idea of a dangerous prank that might ruin their careers is to race each other through a museum. You know, rolling down stairs and bounding through hallways. X-treme, boys!

Coincidentally, "Traveler" is the zillionth ABC show about rich people on the rocks. ("Desperate Housewives," "Grey's Anatomy," "Brothers & Sisters" and so on.) ABC figures viewers are attracted to unrelatable trust-funders raised by nannies.

Before the bomb trouble, our boys throw around $50 bills, ride in limos and soak up the cocktails-and-girltails atmosphere of a hangout one guy calls "the most exclusive club in Manhattan."

Look, I don't hate entitled wealth. But watching ABC -- with its rich killers, blue-blood-thirsty housewives and Ivy League terror suspects -- I'm starting to think a public school education was the best thing that ever happened to me.

May 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Yale graduates keep ruining the world. Bumbling politicians. Oil magnates. Montgomery Burns. And now some fresh-faced Yalies are terror suspects in ABC's new "Traveler." Some of my best friends are Yalies. But I usually keep it quiet.

Tonight's preview of "Traveler" (debuting May 30) begins as three Yale guys pack for a post-graduation road trip. But first they stop by a museum in New York. A bomb goes off. And suddenly, the Yalies are suspects in the explosion.

The two main Yalies appear to be blameless. But this is one of those shows that wouldn't exist if characters reacted the way you and I would. Instead of going to the feds with vital information, they stupidly decide to go on the run as innocent fugitives.

Because when you're innocent, you should flee from the cops. While the TV news is flashing your picture all across America. Yalies are S-M-R-T.

Then again, maybe the Yalies should take flight, because this is also yet another show with a government-type conspiracy in the shadows; powerful older Yalie types may or may not be trying to pin the bomb thing on these faultless, fatless yuppies.

The debut episode isn't so bad. The action is fairly taut, except for a dumb foot chase. The direction is tight, despite a few improbable twists.

But there is one serious aggravation. Scriptwriters really want you to know the names of the three main guys. So you hear "Jay," "Tyler" and "Will" 73 times in 42 minutes, not counting commercials that fill out the hour.

"I don't want to go without you, Jay," one guy says, then adds, "Jay, for both of our sakes. ..."

Here's my question for you: When you're standing around talking to friends, do you name-check them constantly and refer formally to their occupations? Like this?

Says Will: "I'm not a chemical engineer for the next two months. And you, Tyler, are not a venture capitalist. And you, Jay, are definitely not a lawyer. No, for the next two months, we are professional vagabonds!"

Ha. "Vagabonds." Big Yalie word.

Yale must be one wild and crazy place. Apparently, dudes' idea of a dangerous prank that might ruin their careers is to race each other through a museum. You know, rolling down stairs and bounding through hallways. X-treme, boys!

Coincidentally, "Traveler" is the zillionth ABC show about rich people on the rocks. ("Desperate Housewives," "Grey's Anatomy," "Brothers & Sisters" and so on.) ABC figures viewers are attracted to unrelatable trust-funders raised by nannies.

Before the bomb trouble, our boys throw around $50 bills, ride in limos and soak up the cocktails-and-girltails atmosphere of a hangout one guy calls "the most exclusive club in Manhattan."

Look, I don't hate entitled wealth. But watching ABC -- with its rich killers, blue-blood-thirsty housewives and Ivy League terror suspects -- I'm starting to think a public school education was the best thing that ever happened to me.

May. 04, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

The crowd is booing me. I just stood onstage with a guitar and totally butchered the Police's "Message in a Bottle." And yet, my boss in "Guitar Hero II" is telling me, "You Rock!" He's wrong. I anti-rocked that song. That song should slap me in the face.

I don't mind the booing, though, because I played enough correct notes -- 81 percent -- so now I can progress to the next song. After all, the ostensible mission of "Guitar Hero II" is to work your way through 60-plus songs.

Then again, the point of "Guitar Hero II" isn't just to finish missions. The point is to have fun, to hold a plastic guitar, and press five buttons on its fret when the TV screen tells you to.

That way, you can pretend to be a bona fide rock star. If you hit the right buttons at the right time, you hear the guitar parts of songs. If you don't, you hear wrong notes. Simple idea. Hard to execute.

I'm being mildly disingenuous about my skills. "Message in a Bottle" is the only song I have messed up so far, because I played violin through early college, and compared to that, a toy guitar is easy-peasy.

One of the great things about "Guitar Hero II" is it gives gamers -- especially if they're competing against each other on the couch -- the chance to see firsthand how different bands write such dissimilar guitar leads and rhythms.

You truly have to switch gears mentally to strum along to the disparate styles of traditional rock (Thin Lizzy's "Bad Reputation"); punk (Suicidal Tendencies' "Institutionalized"); metal (Anthrax's "Madhouse"); psychobilly (the Reverend Horton Heat's "Psychobilly Freakout"); surf rock (Dick Dale's "Misirlou"); and so on.

My favorite is Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box." You don't hear the late Kurt Cobain's voice. All these songs sound like the originals, but other people sung the parts.

I'm particularly thrilled about the inclusion of tunes by Nirvana and Stone Temple Pilots, because some alternative-rock fans have been writing nasty things about how the Nirvana estate is licensing songs into games. They think Nirvana's too musically pure to be for sale.

Nirvana's "Breed" showed up on "Major League Baseball 2K7." Deadspin.com then ran this headline: "We're Still Cheesed About Nirvana On That Baseball Video Game."

"We wonder how the music will be used," one of the site's writers groused. "If it's (Derek) Jeter's batting entrance music, we're going to throw the controller against the wall."

The racer "MotorStorm" also spins Nirvana's "Breed," plus the Reverend Horton Heat's "Big Red Rocket of Love." And racing game "Burnout Dominator" pumps other good alt tunes, from Alice in Chains' "Would" to Jane's Addiction's "Stop!"

This is what I want to say to fellow alt fans: Nirvana is not heard in "Burnout Dominator," but Avril Lavigne is. Do you really want gamers being indoctrinated to her instead of Nirvana?

For that matter, alt fans, wouldn't you rather hear Nirvana than most other bands while gaming? If not, I'd like to send that booing crowd from "Guitar Hero II" to pester your Web site.

("Guitar Hero II" with guitar bundle retails for $80 for PS 2, $90 for Xbox 360 -- Plays fun, especially during competitions against other gamers. Looks good. Easy to very difficult. Rated "T" for lyrics. Four stars out of four.)

Apr. 27, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

Those who know the gospels of Mario understand he was conceived immaculately and delivered to his parents by stork. A one-time carpenter, he is now, in "Super Paper Mario," a savior who must rescue the universe from apocalypse.

Merely 5-foot-1, Mario seeks to stop a devilish figure of nobility, the blue-faced Count Bleck, who wishes to spin his evil powers and cram all existence into a rip in the fabric of space, and kill us all.

Our savior's journey is demanding. For starters, Mario is only two-dimensional this time, merely an animated piece of paper running left to right, navigating secret tunnels and mazes of 2-D towns and deserts. How can a paper man save the universe?

Standing between Mario and the count are piranha plants and other deceptively dangerous creatures. Mushrooms walk and bear down upon Mario with furrowed brows and sharp fangs. Their mere touch is poison.

A large robot named Chunk pounds big fists at Mario. When Chunk loses, he flies away by passing gas; it propels him upward as a sci-fi rocket would.

Angelic turtles flap wings at Mario from above, concealing behind dark sunglasses their wicked turtle eyes.

This story must sound familiar to those who have followed Mario's adventures. Liberating the world from evil-doers has been Mario's passion ever since he saved his girlfriend, Princess Peach, from a big monkey named "Donkey Kong" 26 years ago.

In humble overalls, he's saved the world so often (and rescued Peach from kidnappers so frequently), he has become a celebrity billionaire, an Italian-Japanese-American with a star on the real-life Hollywood Walk of Fame. (Bob Hoskins played him in the movies.)

But his escapades are also potentially tiresome. Thankfully, "Super Paper Mario" cleverly reinvents the legend by giving him the miraculous ability to change the world from two-dimensional to three-dimensional.

He'll be moving his little feet, looking like an animated slice of paper. Suddenly, you press a button, and the world will become three-dimensional, so he can find hidden treasures and mysterious bridges to flatlands filled with clues as to where he should travel next.

This trick of perspective is enough to re-energize the game series. And "Super Paper Mario" also lets gamers float via parasol as Peach; spit fire as Bowser (less evil than usual); and jump huge heights as Mario's younger brother Luigi (doomed to live in Mario's shadow).

The look of the game is a bizarre and splendid paradise of hippie abstract-minimalism. At times, Mario travels over hill and dale by stepping onto a pen-and-ink square of an elevator system, which moves him across see-through blue blocks of sky.

The adventure becomes annoying only when action-stopping conversations must be read on the screen, rather than heard. One of the count's minions is Nastasia, a blue girl characterized by cat eyeglasses and a purple hair bun. She warns the count about Mario:

"Apparently there's been some unapproved interdimensional activity lately," she says. "Yeah, I'm thinking it's the hero of prophecy. We're gonna need an action plan for this guy."

Enough of that chatter, already. Let's get to the trippy action of our hero, the violent, supernaturally regenerating Christ-like form of a man who wields godlike powers to burn "flesh" off of winged-turtle villains. Yes. And don't fail to kill the gaseous robots. It's important.

("Super Paper Mario" retails for $50 for Wii -- Plays fun, fairly addictive. Looks good. Challenging. Rated "E" for comic mischief, mild cartoon violence. Three and one-half stars out of four.)

Apr. 20, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

The first game-girl I fell in love with was Jill Valentine. She got trapped in an evil mansion. I guided her through its shadowy hallways, where devil dogs jumped at her through glass windows and undead monsters tore at her torso with enormous "clip-clop" claws.

Jill was stunning as a strong siren, firing bullets and a grudge, starting with 1996's "Resident Evil." In retrospect, she was overdressed, sporting a military uniform; sometimes, a black skirt and blue tube top. All class, that Jill.

If you beat the masterful "Resident Evil," the next time you played, you could dress down Jill in a closet. That option was not included in the Milla Jovovich movies based on Jill's "Resident Evil" game series.

Since Jill's debut, only a few handfuls of games for consoles -- PlayStations, Xboxes and Nintendo systems -- have truly hiked up skirts or put major topless characters in G-strings. (PC games have been more explicit, dating back to at least the early 1990s.)

To be blunt, nude, feminine sexuality is uncommon in games, no matter what politicians and anti-nude interest groups would have you believe. Sex and sensuality is still verboten, while mass violence is the norm, just like on network TV and in American movies.

On point: "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" was rated "Mature" -- with its hundreds of gruesome, bloody deaths -- until honchos at the Entertainment Software Ratings Board found a striptease in it; then they slapped an 18-and-over "Adult" label on it.

I just finished poring over hundreds of my game reviews from the past few years. Then I looked ahead at a few titles coming out soon.

After all that, I could barely scratch together a list of Top 10 Nude (Or Might As Well Be) Moments In Platform Games. (There are loads of topless, muscle-bound men in action-adventures and shooting galleries. But that's not really the same, is it?)

I discounted forgettable games, like the old racing title, "BMX XXX," co-starring topless women riders. Instead, these are popular and/or good games bearing a powerful, sensual impression. The Top 10 in order:

"Leisure Suit Larry: Magna cum Laude"; the "God of War" series; "Playboy: The Mansion"; "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball"; the "Grand Theft Auto" series; "TimeSplitters: Future Perfect"; "Pocket Pool"; the "Tomb Raider" series; "Bullet Witch"; and "Heavenly Sword."

The latest sexy title is "Bullet Witch" for Xbox 360. You play as Alicia the witch and kill ghouls after Judgment Day. She's clothed, but leatherwear clings skintight over her intense attributes. Too bad it's a dumb, repetitive game of killing that wastes beautiful artistic sets.

Sex maniacs shouldn't fret, though. "Pocket Pool" just came out for Sony's handheld PSP. It's a billiards title where, once you win, you're treated to photos and videos of nearly naked women bending and so forth in suggestive poses.

And later this year, PS 3 owners can buy "Heavenly Sword," in which a redheaded woman slays fellow warriors while spinning cartwheels in a G-string.

Because, if anything says, "I'm gonna beat you up real good with female empowerment," it's a world-class, world-saving fighter in a G-string.

("Bullet Witch" retails for $50 for Xbox 360 -- Plays repetitive, while killing post-apocalyptic monsters as a witch. Looks good. Moderately difficult. Rated "M" for blood, language, violence. Two stars out of four.)

May 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

A few people in my business suggest Dick Wolf has been campaigning in the press to keep NBC from canceling his creations "Law & Order" and/or "Criminal Intent." But the truth is Wolf is barely talking.

Agreeing to my request for an interview, he doesn't say one derogatory thing about NBC and won't go on record about negotiations.

NBC says the shows are expensive, and ratings are down. But NBC makes loads of money from syndication. And in my opinion, NBC is to blame for burying "Law & Order" in its worst time slot at 9 p.m. Fridays.

Wolf, 60, has said in the past that budget cuts lead to cutting a street scene or two.

But more cuts now would probably limit scenes even more, and may impinge on casting decisions.

It's weird timing. Star Fred Thompson is considering running for president, hasn't spent a dime and is polling ahead of John McCain among Republicans. And star Sam Waterston is helping form a third party.

In other words, "Law & Order" may affect the future of the republic. Yet, NBC might cancel it. Surreal.

Meanwhile, "L&O" scripts are being reshot and broadcast in Russia and France.

"The revenue is a trickle now, but it could become a major stream," Wolf says. "We expect to announce two new format sales in the next 90 days.

"My hope is that, quite literally, the sun will never set on units shooting various 'Law & Orders.' "

I can get behind that.

May 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

About five years ago, all the "Law & Orders" competed for dibs to fictionalize ripped-from-the-headlines stories. But creator Dick Wolf eventually ditched that system. He figured there are plenty of headlines to go around.

"I've given up trying to legislate," Wolf says. "People haven't stopped killing themselves in unique and interesting ways."

This week's for-instance is on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent": Anna Nicole Smith's druggie son convulses to death on a floor. Distraught Anna Nicole wishes to die too, and she pops a rainbow of pills.
As usual, the names and circumstances vary. The blond bombshell is Lorelei, not Anna Nicole. Her son collapses at a party, not at a hospital. And so on.

I like regulars Chris Noth and Julianne Nicholson, though they're oddly a little flat this week. (Alternate "CI" episodes still star Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe.)

Even so, I prefer these "Law & Order" topical episodes to E!'s scandal-documentaries. E! shows can be ham-fisted, judgmental, dry and emotionless.

When a "Law & Order" tackles pop culture, it feels more potently true. I think it's because writers are in the industry, fleshing out exploits of peers. They paint with broad yet character-specific strokes.

The actors are insiders, too. Look at David Cross. In his brilliant stand-up routines, he savages Hollywood. Portraying Lorelei's smarmy man, he's clearly relishing the role, screaming "Bitches!" while holding a baby, then cooing at it. It's a funny scene.

More than usual, a big cast signed on for guest roles. Kristy Swanson, the first "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," plays fat Lorelei in animal-print lingerie. Cross is her manager-husband. Director Peter Bogdanovich is a playboy publisher.

And assuredly, that's a doggy star portraying Lorelei's bow-haired, vest-wearing pooch. That little bitch character is likely based on Anna Nicole's leg-humper Sugar Pie, but the pup is not drug-addled, at least not that I'm aware of.

May 8, 2007
Tonight
"NCIS" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Star Mark Harmon got the creator of this hit show, Don Bellisario, thrown out as executive producer. Reportedly, Harmon and others staged a coup. Bizarre. Bellisario, 71, is a big fish. He created "JAG," "Quantum Leap" and "Magnum, P.I.," and produced the original "Battlestar Galactica." But he's demanding. The crew works 16 hours a day from July 4 till the end of May. In January, Harmon told me Bellisario is a "force of nature" and "not for the weak of heart." Apparently, Harmon's heart couldn't take him anymore.

"Gilmore Girls" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The last episode ever is May 15, and star Lauren Graham told TV Guide she's relieved. CW wanted to continue it, but she and co-star Alexis Bledel were tired and didn't want to do the grind anymore. The show was creatively at an end, she says. Diehard fans should read the interview at TVGuide.com. It's long, and she's very forthcoming.

May 6, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Your favorite TV show treated you right for a while. It gave you sultry nights, maybe a happy Valentine's Day or a very special Christmas. But lately, it's gotten stupid, annoying and predictable.

So, should you divorce your show?

It's a tough call. Can you give up your TV boyfriend Wentworth Miller along with his dumb drama, "Prison Break"?
Can you finally break up with "Lost" since it never tells you what's on its mind?

After all, you're already seeing "Heroes" on the side.

These are hard choices facing my women friends, or at least the ones who watch TV with the zeal of a McSteamy shower.

I know three Stephanies, and all three are sick of getting teased by silly "Grey's Anatomy," yet they've had trouble dumping it. Two of my Stephanies have given "Grey's" its walking papers.