May 25, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" is rooted historically, so no surprise twists come in the HBO movie. America's genocide of Indians is its most shameful crime, so as a viewer you really only wonder in which ways Indians will die.

It's based on the hefty 1970 book, but it smartly, narrowly focuses on three men who represent the American Indian experience at the close of the 19th century. "Bury My Heart" approaches them quite fairly.

There's Sitting Bull, who fights to the bitter end, until all other Indians have surrendered and settled on reservations, where they starve and die of bullets and disease.

Sitting Bull (August Schellenberg) isn't just glorified as a legend. He's too proud and makes questionable claims, as Sitting Bull really did.

Henry Dawes is a Republican who offers money and land to convince Indians to succumb lest they should be further brutalized; regardless, Indians are slain.

Dawes isn't cardboard evil. Mostly quietly, Aidan Quinn plays him as a flawed soul with half-decent intentions.

In between these two men is Charles Eastman, an Indian raised by whites who becomes a doctor for the tribes. Eastman (Adam Beach), husband of poet Elaine Goodale (Anna Paquin), is a man of two races, and a man without a race.

The film is well-plotted and acted, though moderate in technique. The aesthetic is mainstream cinema, with sweeping violins and obvious camera shots. It can seem plodding, romantically doomed and always gloomy. Not bad, not great.

It would make for a good film for teachers and parents to show kids, and I don't mean that as a put-down. In college, I probably would have enjoyed it in lit class when we studied Chief Joseph's surrender speech:

"I am tired of fighting. Our chiefs are killed. ... I want to have time to look for my children, and see how many of them I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my chiefs! I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."

Missing in my classrooms but humanely covered in "Bury" are daily horrors: forced to be Christian, to take a "Christian name," to witness loved ones slaughtered, and to assimilate or die in America, for we are the land of the "free."

delfman@suntimes.com

May 24, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

I told you so. Two months ago, I said here that 17-year-old Jordin Sparks probably would win "American Idol" with her good, sappy singing, her tallness and the way she freakily smiles as if she's trying to win over her teddy bear.

She earned the crown Wednesday night, thanked her family, then sang-cried through her first single, the "Idol" original "This Is My Now."

The finale show was 128 minutes of dull-pain performances, filler and fake awards presented to previous "Idols."

The runner-up, Blake, beatboxed with rapper Doug E. Fresh, who begged the crowd, "Now screeeeeam." Oh, my soul was screaming.

Gladys Knight sang "Midnight Train to Georgia." She's been riding that train since 1973. "Idol" is so contemporary and all.

More spectacularly, failed contestants Sanjaya (the awful one) and Phil (or, as my friend Eve calls him, bald "Bat Boy" from the Weekly World News) sang backup to Smokey Robinson on "Tears of a Clown" (1966).

There were high points. A Beatles medley wasn't heinous. And Tony Bennett sang. He's the greatest living singer over 50. But my God, people. Can't you light Tony Bennett with bulbs that don't make his gray hair look purple? It's freaking Tony Bennett.

Failed auditioner Kenneth Briggs reappeared to glare his crazy platter-size eyes at "Idol" watchers again. He's the one Simon called a "bush baby" because those eyes are monkey-ish.

"I do not look like a monkey!" Monkey Boy said with his monkey mouth.

Every year, critics say "Idol's" ratings will freefall at any second. They're always wrong.

But this season did give JumpTheShark.com three big lows. Shark readers voted Sanjaya the No. 1 reason "Idol" became unwatchable. The No. 9 reason was the March 20 moment when a young female Sanjaya fan bawled in his presence. The "Idol Gives Back" episode is No. 8.

"Idol" feeds its own self-parody. Wednesday, Sanjaya got more performance time than the other booted failures. He creamed the Kinks' "You Really Got Me Now." It was terrrrible. Yet it was still better than previous "Idol" Taylor Hicks; on harmonica, Hicks blew, what's new?

That little Sanjaya fan showed up to cry some more. And Bette Midler sang "Wind Beneath My Wings," making audience member Jerry Springer teary. No shame. "Idol" is the wind breaking beneath America's things.

Polls that showed Blake would win were wrong. His most famous fans -- Ellen DeGeneres and the women of "The View" -- will be heartbroken.

The contestant who got ejected last week, Melinda, once again outsang the victors. By the way, I DVR'd "Idol" last week. When I watched the recording, I found that "Idol" ran late, so my DVR (and presumably many others) didn't record Melinda's phone-vote numbers -- only Blake's and Jordin's. Good going, Fox.

Both finalists and the winners of "Idol's" songwriting contest were from Seattle or auditioned there. Funny. In January, I asked Simon, "Is there one city you hope you never go back to for auditions?"

"We won't be going back to Seattle next year. I do like the city, I just hated the singers that turned up," he said.

Me, too, Simon. Me, too.

May 23, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Blake Lewis is a pad of butter. He is soggy toast. And yet, he may win "American Idol" tonight.

On Tuesday, like a broken record, he again "sang" and beatboxed Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." (Painful.) Singing Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved," his voice cracked in and out of tune. He was flat. He was sharp.

On "This Is My Now," the new ballad chosen by online vote for Tuesday's faceoff, he vocalized more convincingly, all dressed up like a 12-year-old's idea of an emo punk, in white skinny tie, shiny argyle vest and short-sleeve green shirt.

But that was the only Blake performance the judges didn't like. To the contrary, Jordin Sparks was full-throated but flat or off-key throughout her interpretation of "This Is My Now." Then she cried. The judges loved it.

She also very capably covered Christina Aguilera's "Fighter" and Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing."

At the end, judges seemed swayed by Jordin, though they lit up as usual while critiquing Blake and grew quieter when they addressed Jordin. Why do they love him? He's so cheesy. Why are they reserved with her? She's way more talented.

But Jordin could be screwed with at-home voters. Ellen DeGeneres and women on "The View" have turned against their fellow female to campaign for Blake. Influential VoteForTheWorst.com is backing him, too.

Three prognosticators thought pre-Tuesday that Blake would wear the tiara tonight.

• • Blake was favored 60 percent to 40 percent among 1.2 million users of online social networker Quepasa Corp.

• • eBay said Blake-branded items were selling better, 486 items to 340 for Jordin.

• • And Yahoo said more people were Yahoo-ing for Blake. Yahoo claimed pre-teens and young teens favored Blake 55 percent to Jordin's 31 percent. Just 20 percent Yahoo'ed for ejected Melinda. Those crazy kids hated Melinda!

By the way, Illinois people don't care about "Idol" so much. The list of states where people are Yahoo-ing "Idol" is topped by Hawaii, Washington, Arizona, Alabama and Maine. Big Illinois is nowhere to be found.

May 22, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Heroes" paid off big like it promised. The prophecy that superhero Peter kept seeing all season was half-right. He did blow up like a nuke in New York.

But in network TV's most anticipated finale of the season, the exploding man made his fireworks high over the city and New York was saved.

If you're unaware: Peter (Milo Ventimiglia) and Sylar (Zachary Quinto) spent the season collecting powers, including the ability to generate nuclear-reactor-strength energy. They had a fisticuffs showdown in a New York square.

Hiro the time-traveler (Masi Oka) stabbed Sylar with a sword. Peter still couldn't stop himself from going boom. Claire the cheerleader (Hayden Panettiere), crying, was about to shoot Peter (her uncle) to stop his bombness.

But Peter's flying brother Nathan (Adrian Pasdar) swooped in, grabbed Peter and soared, and they blew up. Peter will survive; he has that ability. So did all the best-intentioned heroes, apparently.

There was no annoying cliffhanger, though Hiro was last seen time-traveling to a 17th century battle in Japan during a solar eclipse.

I could wax poetic about why the character-based show about super people is great. But let's cut the crap: "Heroes" has been sooo cool. You can say it was cool in dorky ways. But dork is the new cool or something.

The best dorky-cool moment on Monday came when Hiro saved his little buddy Ando from Sylar's evil mind grip, then time-traveled Ando safely back to Japan. Ando has no power, so he would have been toast trying to slay Sylar.

"Your whole life," adorable Ando told adorable Hiro, "you talked about your favorite stories. 'Star Wars.' 'Star Trek.' 'Superman.' 'Kensei.' All the heroes you wanted to be. One day, people will tell the story of Hiro Nakamura."

So sweet. So dorky. So cool. Then Ando described Hiro the way many viewers would like to be described (since "Heroes" is vicarious transference): "You look badass."

"Really?" Hiro said. A big smile dawned across his happy face. He closed his eyes, teleported to the scene of the crime and helped save the world.

delfman@suntimes.com

May 20, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN

Last fall, the cast and crew of "Heroes" knew they had a good show on their hands. But they were nervous about the time slot. The show's super people would have to compete against "24." Now "Heroes" is beating "24."

And Monday's season finale is probably the most anticipated TV drama event of the year.

Which heroes will die while trying to stop an exploding man from destroying New York City? Are we all dorks for caring? Yeah, but that's not our problem.

It's been a wham-bang first season, accomplishing the improbable: It captured our TV nation with a character-based, sci-fi, supernatural story line, humming with a patient tone amid graphic novel imagery.

"Heroes" is topical, too. If you psychoanalyze it, you clearly see parallels to our own political state.

But not everything about "Heroes" works. Mothers are portrayed cruelly. And there have been at least three plotting missteps.

Here's my psychobabble about at all that.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR THEY'RE NOT

'Heroes" has some serious mommy issues. Every mother character is either vicious to some degree or out of her mind.
MOMMY DEAREST: Villainous Sylar essentially asked his mom to stop him, because he thinks he'll kill millions of innocents in New York. But she berated him until he killed her, making him even crazier. She was a psycho killer-rearing mommy.

SERIAL MOM: Niki is a good mother to Micah. But she often morphs into her evil and powerful dead sister. As Jessica, she kills people, engages in blackmail and tries to shoot Micah's dad in the head. She's a murderous mommy, half the time.

ONE CRAZY MOTHER: Claire's adopted mom, Sandra, occasionally mocks her beloved dog and dodders cluelessly around the house, because the big bad agency keeps cleaning her brain of super-people knowledge. She's sweet, but a Grade-A nutbag.

CLAIRE HAS TWO MOMMIES: Claire found her biological mom, Meredith, and said she wanted to meet her biological dad, too. Meredith phoned Claire's dad, Nathan, but only to squeeze him for $100,000. And she didn't let Claire meet him. Trashy.

BIG BAD MAMA: Claire tracked down her biological grandma Angela (Peter and Nathan's mom), and she appears to be complicit in the big agency's plan to let New York get blown up so Nathan can ascend politically. She's a nasty piece of work.

MISTER MOMS: Dads are mostly good. Her whole life, Claire's adopted dad, Jack, has protected her, and he's joined the resistance to the big bad agency. Mohinder's dad was trying to help super-people before he died. And Micah's dad D.L. is trying to save his son from both Jessica and the bad guys. Hiro's dad, Kaito, appears to be using his power to help his son battle evil. But power-hungry Nathan has been crappy to Claire, abandoning her years ago, though even his fate as either good or bad is TBD. Also, Mr. Linderman appears to be both a father and evil.

BRING BACK EDEN AND ALL WILL BE RIGHT WITH 'HEROES'

'Heroes" has been a Critic's rating: show all season. But nobody's perfect. Here are the three biggest mistakes the "Heroes" writers have made.

1. IT'S SO DEMANDING: Every single episode has been part of a season-long mythological story. It's going down the road of the constant serial, like "Lost" and "Days of Our Lives." That works for now. But if you watch old "X-Files," you'll see that sci-fi show's self-contained installments are usually the most compelling episodes.

Creator Tim Kring, who's done a brilliant job so far, ought to think about building in more one-off hours, the way "X-Files" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" did. People may be burning out on the constant serial. They're sure tired of "Lost."

2. HIRO'S RICH? At the beginning of the season, Hiro rose up from an office desk in Japan and began to time-travel. It was awesome. It looked at the time that he was an average guy, "Spider-Man"-like, who was very special on the inside. Aww. But it turns out his dad Kaito is a wealthy industrialist or something. Hiro's still great, but he was more appealing when we all thought he was an Everyman in ascent.

3. THE DEATH OF EDEN: One of the most compelling heroes was Eden. She had this cool power of persuasion. She put Sylar to sleep and got people to do her bidding. But Sylar was about to kill her and steal her power, so she shot herself. Although, her death was confirmed only off-screen, so maybe she's alive. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

CONSPIRACY THEORIES BREED SCI-FI ENTERTAINMENT

On the surface, "Heroes" is just a comic book story in the realm of the Justice League, but done up real nice.
Read between the lines, though, and you may infer plot points are commenting on American conspiracy theories -- the ones that suggest our anti-utopian U.S. government is purposely profiting from the "War on Terror."

There's an honorable history of sci-fi entertainment satirizing or observing how people's freedoms are impinged by governments and corporations. So look at "Heroes" this way.

There's a Texas company called Primatech (think Haliburton or the Carlyle Group). It is a nefarious front for an outfit engaged in a scheme to let New York get blown up (9/11). One goal may be to pass forbidding laws (the Patriot Act) and round up people with super-powers (terror suspects). It will also allow a law-and-order New York politician to run for president (Rudy Giuliani). An evil guy behind the scenes is moneyman/powerbroker Mr. Linderman (a James R. Bath/James Baker type, I suppose).

Those under suspicion are mainly good citizens, though a few are violent extremists (Muslims).

Malcolm McDowell, who plays Linderman, jokes that his main concern is looking good on TV, so it's not really possible for Linderman to be based on, say, our less attractive vice president.

"Who wants to play Dick Cheney?" McDowell says.

(Attention people who occasionally e-mail me: I do not think the U.S. government caused 9/11.)

By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

It's never a good sign when a movie company doesn't let critics see a film before it's released. That means the company knows it's a stinker.

It's rarer when a video game company keeps critics from pre-reviewing a splashy new release.

But this is the case with "Spider-Man 3." Activision held onto the game until May 4, supposedly to coincide with the film's opening. Once you play it, though, you soon understand how stinky it is.

"Spider-Man 3" looks bad. Faces are drawn as if by amateur cartoonists. Spider-Man's moves are choppy. When I play it on my PS 3, the buttons aren't very responsive. Therefore I, Spider-Man, keep getting punched in the face.

I do not like getting punched in the face.

The game goes from annoying to decent, then to super-duper annoying. First, you have to work through a tutorial: Here's how to kick; here's how to dodge a fist; and so on. Gamers hate tutorials. They hate having to dodge even worse. We just want to tussle.

Then, the game gets pretty good for seven hours. You swing through the big city. You pummel guys. And you begin to think everything's swell.

But halfway through, it becomes so amazingly difficult, boring and frustrating, I stopped playing it, and I will never return.

What a head-scratcher. The first two "Spider-Man" games were terrific. Mostly what Activision did here was add some new characters and scenes inspired by the third film and update the city with new missions.

The game sends you webbing between skyscrapers to carry out violent goals, kind of like a bloodless, "PG" version of "Grand Theft Auto," starring a good sticky guy.

But what's with the pressing of certain buttons in sequence, "Dragon's Lair" style? And what's with all this repetitive punching? Seriously, to win fights against most gangsters, all I do is press seven PS 3 buttons at the same time, constantly. It's a monster mash.

The first time I fought the new Goblin, I landed 120 straight combo attacks in a row, which is like winning a basketball game 100-0. But later, Sandman became adequately tough. And after him came a horde of game-ruining, invincible villains.

I spent four hours failing to beat up an immortal Kraven, some drug dealer guy, plus a giant lizard protected by a force field. This is when I figured out what a disaster "Spider-Man 3" is. What could have been a three-star game is a one-star game.

Film fans may be glad it comes with voice acting from movie stars Tobey Maguire, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace and J.K. Simmons. Kirsten Dunst is missing. Some other actress coos in her place. ("Go faster!" Shut up!)

Like in previous "Spider-Mans," Maguire gives funny deliveries of silly lines. When he's battling big lizards, he casually says, "This will definitely set back human-giant lizard relations."

But I will never hear whatever Maguire recorded for the second half of "Spider-Man 3," since it is the most flawed major release I can remember in some time. Didn't anyone at Activision test-play this game?

("Spider-Man 3" retails for $60 for PS 3 and Xbox 360; $50 for Wii; $40 for PS 2; $30 for DS and GBA -- Plays fun sometimes, but mostly repetitive, and alternately easy or frustrating. Looks OK. Ultimately, very challenging. Rated "T" for mild language and violence. One star out of four.)

May 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

'Grey's Anatomy" can't let anything go well for its doctors. That would make it a show about joy -- rather than misery -- in relationships. So in Thursday's season finale, Burke dumped Cristina as she stood thin in her wedding dress.

Burke said he was in love not with her, but with the woman he was trying to change her into. He took his stuff from their place. And poor Cristina had an anxiety-crying attack. Meredith cut the dress off her and held her tight.

Meredith continued to be a great friend but a moody mate. Granted, Derek has put her through the wringer and was mean to her. He sniped that flirting with another woman was the best part of his week. But he came around.

"I do love you," he said. "You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me" emotionally.

He asked her -- if she sees no future with him -- to end it, "because I can't. I'm in it. ... Put me out of my misery."

She didn't respond, of course.

Meanwhile, Callie and George agreed to have a baby. But Izzie finally told him, "I'm in love with you. ... Say something."

He didn't say a word. Instead, George failed his intern test. He cleaned out his locker, but not before meeting a new intern -- Meredith's half-sister Lexie.

Good luck, Lexie, in finding uncomplicated pleasure at Seattle Grace.

Finally: Sad-sacky Pam took Jim's offer for a "date." Jim buckled when he saw a sweet note she'd slipped him. Michael reunited with Jan but lost a bid for her job: "I am never, ever going to leave. I am going nowhere." Jan's job went to Ryan. He immediately dumped Kelly.

May 17, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

The Crime Broadcasting System will keep blood and guts flowing in the streets this fall. Of its 21 prime-time hours, 14 will be filled by crime shows. Seven of those use variations of "crime" in the title.

The only murder show CBS is killing is "Close to Home," with Jennifer Finnigan.

That leaves Kathryn Morris' "Cold Case" and Jennifer Love Hewitt's "Ghost Whisperer" as the only female-fronted fiction on CBS' fall slate. It's no wonder ABC is morphing into the network of strong women. ABC picked "beat 'em" instead of "join 'em."

It's hard to argue with CBS' strategy, though. It's No. 1 in the ratings. It got there by sticking to old-school, macho TV: crime dramas with ensemble casts and traditional sitcoms riddled with laugh tracks.

CBS is replacing "The Class" with "The Big Bang Theory," a comedy from the makers of "Two and a Half Men." It's about two geeks who crush on their sexy waitress neighbor.

The network claims its new shows take a "diverse" break from crime waves. But two of three new fall dramas flash the gore:

• "Moonlight" stakes out a good vampire who's a crime-dog private eye, in the bloody vein of CW's "Angel" (R.I.P.).

• The "Cop Rock"-like "Viva Laughlin" makes cast members lip-sync to hit songs while a casino boss wannabe gets "embroiled in a murder investigation."

Out of character for CBS, "Cane" finds Jimmy Smits running a Cuban-American sugar and rum trade. And the one new drama for midseason is "Swingtown," where swingers swap in "an affluent Chicago suburb" in the 1970s.

So instead of "CSI: Chicago," our town gets sexaholics. Now that's what I call a taste of Chicago.

SCHEDULE
New shows in bold
SUNDAY
6 p.m. ''60 Minutes''
7 p.m. ''Viva Laughlin''
8 p.m. ''Cold Case''
9 p.m. ''Shark''

MONDAY
7 p.m. ''How I Met Your Mother''
7:30 p.m. ''The Big Bang Theory''
8 p.m. ''Two and a Half Men''
8:30 p.m. ''Rules of Engagement''
9 p.m. ''CSI: Miami''

TUESDAY
7 p.m. ''NCIS''
8 p.m. ''The Unit''
9 p.m. ''Cane''

WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. ''Kid Nation''
8 p.m. ''Criminal Minds''
9 p.m. ''CSI: NY''

THURSDAY
7 p.m. ''Survivor: China''
8 p.m. ''CSI: Crime Scene Investigation''
9 p.m. ''Without a Trace''

FRIDAY
7 p.m. ''Ghost Whisperer''
8 p.m. ''Moonlight''
9 p.m. ''Numb3rs''

SATURDAY
7 p.m. Crime drama reruns
9 p.m. ''48 Hours Mystery''

CANCELED
"The Class," "Close to Home," "Jericho"

ON THE MOVE
"Shark," from 9 p.m. Thursdays to 9 p.m. Sundays
"Without a Trace," from 9 p.m. Sundays to 9 p.m. Thursdays

RETURNING LATER
"The Amazing Race," "The New Adventures of Old Christine"

Doug Elfman
May 16, 2007
The sweet end of "Gilmore Girls" came Tuesday with the best episode in forever.
Chatty neighbors of Stars Hollow, Conn., threw a surprise party for Rory, who packed to go cover Barack Obama for an online magazine. Luke planned it. Lorelai kissed him. Weeping Lorelai watched her Rory sleep.
And before the final fade, mother and daughter gabbed, like they did seven seasons back, a lifetime of fandom ago.

May 16, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

ABC -- the best place on TV for a Venus razor commercial. The estrogen network's new lineup looks like the cover of a Cosmo magazine.

Renewed: "Dancing With the Stars"! "The Bachelor"! "Ugly Betty"! "Men in Trees"!

New shows: "Women's Murder Club"! A "Grey's Anatomy" spin-off! And later in the season -- a do-gooder giveaway show from Oprah Winfrey!

It's astonishing. Ever since "Desperate Housewives," "Grey's" and "Dancing With the Stars" catapulted ABC to second place in the ratings, the network has gestated into a richer version of the Oxygen channel. Peruse the description for the drama "Big Shots":

"This is the story of four friends at the top of their game ... until the women in their lives enter the room."

Female casts are dressed with man meat. Taye Diggs. Michael Vartan. Dylan McDermott. Peter Krause.

Just look at the soapy wiles of Wednesdays: "Pushing Daisies." ("Ned puts his ability to good use ... touching dead fruit and making it ripe.") "Private Practice." (The "Grey's" spinoff.) And "Dirty Sexy Money." ("Power, privilege and family money are a volatile cocktail.")

To keep perspective, this is a counter to the boyhood and leggy models found on E!, Spike and parts of the CW. TV is nothing if it's not pandering to one stereotype or another.

Besides, Hollywood being Hollywood, ABC's narrative flows are still being created, directed and written mostly by men. Yet (to put it cynically), they're turning ABC into the channel women make men watch.

SCHEDULE
New shows in bold

SUNDAY
6 p.m. ''America's Funniest Home Videos''
7 p.m. ''Extreme Makeover: Home Edition''
8 p.m. ''Desperate Housewives''
9 p.m. ''Brothers and Sisters''
MONDAY
7 p.m. ''Dancing With the Stars''
8:30 p.m. ''Sam I Am''
9 p.m. ''The Bachelor''

TUESDAY
7 p.m. ''Cavemen''
7:30 p.m. ''Carpoolers''
8 p.m. ''Dancing With the Stars Results''
9 p.m. ''Boston Legal''

WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. ''Pushing Daisies''
8 p.m. ''Private Practice''
9 p.m. ''Dirty Sexy Money''

THURSDAY
7 p.m. ''Ugly Betty''
8 p.m. ''Grey's Anatomy''
9 p.m. ''Big Shots''

FRIDAY
7 p.m. ''Men in Trees''
8 p.m. ''Women's Murder Club''
9 p.m. ''20/20''

SATURDAY
7 p.m. ''Saturday Night College Football''

CANCELED
''George Lopez,'' ''Knights of Prosperity,'' "The Nine," "What About Brian." (Still undetermined: "According to Jim.")

RETURNING LATER
"Lost," "Notes From the Underbelly," "October Road," "Supernanny," "Wife Swap"

May 15, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

NBC wants to strike gold again like it did with its only recent hit, "Heroes." So its new fall dramas star a "Bionic Woman" and a super-brained spy. There's even a short "Heroes: Origins" spinoff coming next spring.

Things are so supernatural at NBC, even two producers from the austere "West Wing" are horning in on the action with "Journeyman," a fall mystery about a do-gooder newspaper scribbler who time travels. (Time traveling? Like in "Heroes"?)

The other big bulk of NBC's fall slate is filled by game shows. Four weeknights begin with "Deal or No Deal" and pals.

With NBC trying to buy viewers with competitions and superpowered heroes, comedies are dying. NBC will debut no new sitcoms this fall. The only four comedies will be Thursday holdovers "My Name Is Earl," "30 Rock," "The Office" and "Scrubs." All know acclaim. None is a Top 10 hit.

There will be one new "Office"-ish comedy, but not until January. "The IT Crowd" takes a crack at information tech geeks gone mild.

Avoiding comedies is a big pullback from the network that reinvigorated sitcoms with "The Cosby Show," "Seinfeld" and "Friends."

If you're curious what's supplanting laugh half-hours, look no further than a series NBC is slotting for 2008: "Lipstick Jungle." This is NBC traipsing ABC's terrain by blending light comedy with drama into a "dramedy" cocktail starring Brooke Shields.

"Lipstick" is based on a book by Candace ("Sex and the City") Bushnell. It knits a circle of women "determined to achieve their dreams and to do it on their own terms," says NBC.

Does that sound sidesplitting to you? Maybe not, but at least the women are only super on the inside.

Hello and goodbye
Canceled
"The Black Donnellys," "Crossing Jordan," "Identity," "Raines," "The Real Wedding Crashers," "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," "Thank God You're Here." (Still undetermined: "The Apprentice")

On the move
"Law & Order: Criminal Intent," to USA Network.
"Deal or No Deal," from 8 p.m. Sundays to 7 p.m. Wednesdays.
"Friday Night Lights," from 7 p.m. Wednesdays to 7 p.m. Fridays.
"Medium," from 9 p.m. Wednesdays to 8 p.m. Mondays (starting in January).

Schedule, new shows in bold
SUNDAY
6 p.m. "Football Night in America"
7 p.m. "NBC Sunday Night Football"
MONDAY
7 p.m. "Deal or No Deal"
8 p.m. "Heroes"
9 p.m. "Journeyman"
TUESDAY
7 p.m. "The Biggest Loser"
8 p.m. "Chuck"
9 p.m. "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit"
WEDNESDAY
7 p.m. "Deal or No Deal"
8 p.m. "Bionic Woman"
9 p.m. "Life"
THURSDAY
7 p.m. "My Name Is Earl"
7:30 p.m. "30 Rock"
8 p.m. "The Office"
8:30 p.m. "Scrubs"
9 p.m. "ER"
FRIDAY
7 p.m. "1 vs 100"
8 p.m. "Las Vegas"
9 p.m. "Friday Night Lights"
SATURDAY
7 p.m. "Dateline NBC"
8 p.m. Reruns

NEW SHOWS
DRAMA
"Bionic Woman": The new Jaime Sommers (British actress Michelle Ryan) is a bartender who takes care of her teen sister.

"Chuck": A computer geek (Zachary Levi of "Less Than Perfect") accidentally downloads a bunch of government secrets into his brain.

"Journeyman": A newspaperman (Kevin McKidd of "Rome") inexplicably starts traveling through time.

"Life": A detective (Damian Lewis from "Band of Brothers") returns to the force after serving time for a crime he didn't commit.

"Lipstick Jungle": Brooke Shields, Kim Raver and Lindsay Price play New York pals invented by Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell. (January)

COMEDY

"The IT Crowd": Our version of a British series about tech wizards who fix computers and stick to themselves. (Midseason)

REALITY

"The Singing Bee": In this karaoke game show, contestants lose points for messing up song lyrics. (Midseason)

"World Moves": So you think you can't watch another dance competition? Executive producer Randy Jackson thinks you will. (Midseason)

May. 11, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

Even though we're living in the age of Don't Let The Terrorists Win, video games continue to obsess over bigger, badder villains. After all these years, Nazis remain the ultimate, unredeemable stinkwads for gamers to shoot in the eyeballs.

Witness "Medal of Honor Vanguard." It's the -- wait, let me count; one, two, three -- yes, it's the zillionth World War II game ever made where you play as a soldier who parachutes into battle zones to machine-gun Nazis and Italian fascists.

Sounds like a good online game, right? Well, "Vanguard" is fairly entertaining when you play against the computer. But there's no option where you get to go online to beat up gamers nicknamed ImGonnaKillYou FromPortland or whatever.

When we hard-core gamers can't fight each other online, we feel limited to a few hours of offline adventure. Surprisingly, plenty of other new and recently released games also eschew the online world.

• You can't play "Burnout Dominator" online. Worse: unlike previous "Burnouts," you don't get to toy with a "Crash" mode, where you drive a car into an intersection then blow it up, setting other cars aflame in a destruction of points. (Fire!)

Even so, "Dominator" is still a fun and zippy racing tournament, laying down 88 tracks where you bump competitors off the road in slow-motion wrecks.

• "Full Auto 2: Battlelines," which came out way back in December, is similar to "Burnout," except you also shoot machine guns at competitor cars. "Full Auto 2" does let you play online. Unfortunately, a few Fridays ago, I went online with it, and there weren't enough gamers to start even a four-person race. That's a sad state of affairs for "Battlelines."

• "Test Drive Unlimited" lets you road-race cars online in Oahu, Hawaii, but something is missing in the new PS 2 edition. Compared to the lovely beast that came out for Xbox 360 last year, it's not as pretty.

And there's nothing to do but race; there are no missions other than losing traction around tight corners. I certainly don't like it when I come to a halt after I ram into trees and telephone poles. I've been spoiled with racing games where I knock that junk over. Objectively speaking, "Unlimited" is good. It's just not stupid enough for me. (It's too earnest and realistic.)

• A great racing game is "SSX Blur," which isn't even about cars. It's a lustrous and fast outing of extreme snowboarding over half pipes, where you do trick jumps and speed down trails. And? That's right. You cannot play it online. Geez.

• Meanwhile, "UEFA Champions League 2006-2007" is basically just another very good soccer game, but since it offers online matches, this makes it a fuller soccer experience.

"UEFA" also solves soccer's biggest problem. In other soccer games, just as I catch up to a soccer ball-dribbling opponent, suddenly the game makes me control some other bozo on my defense, many yards away. That does not happen so much in "UEFA." Hallelujah.

Now if only I weren't the worst soccer player in the online planet, everything would be hunky dory.

("Burnout Dominator" retails for $40 for PS 2, PSP -- Plays fun, but online competition isn't available. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E 10+" for violence. Three stars out of four.)

("Full Auto 2: Battlelines" retails for $60 for PS 3, $40 for PSP -- Plays fairly fun, but there aren't enough online gamers playing it. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "T" for violence. Three stars.)

("Medal of Honor Vanguard" retails for $50 for Wii, $40 for PS 2 -- Plays fun, but the lack of online gaming makes it a relatively short game. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "T" for blood, language, violence. Three stars.)

("SSX Blur" retails for $50 for Wii -- Plays very fun, but lacks online gaming. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E" for comic mischief. Three and one-half stars.)

("Test Drive Unlimited" retails for $40 for Xbox 360, PS 2, PSP -- Plays fun if you enjoy near-simulation racing, including online. Looks very good. Difficult. Rated "E 10+" for language, violence. Three stars.)

("UEFA Champions League 2006-2007" retails for $60 for Xbox 360, $30 for PS 2, $50 for PSP -- Plays fun, includes online gaming. Looks good. Difficult. Rated "E." Three stars.)

May 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Where are the viewer votes for "American Idol" front-runner Jordin Sparks coming from? Possibly the Christian right.

A photo that seems to show her holding a "Stop Abortion Now" sign is making the rounds of "Idol" fan postings online.

Most viewers are unaware, though. In "Idol" fashion, no one on air ever asks Jordin about politics, since "Idol" builds up these future musical properties with cotton candy profiles.

Anti-abortion-rights people are definitely trying to politicize "Idol." A few weeks ago, "Idol" raised $70 million for poverty charities in America and Africa.

At least one overzealous outfit attacked the show in a press release, screaming in a headline, "AMERICAN IDOL NOW FUNDING PRO-ABORTION GROUPS."

You see, two charities that benefitted were UNICEF and Save the Children, organizations that feed the most starving-to-death families around the world.

But UNICEF and Save the Children also do family planning. If potential mothers die of hunger, their someday-unborn babies won't even become pre-unborn. True believers don't want to hear that.

So now, the trio of finalists is Jordin, Blake Lewis and Melinda Doolittle. Horrible Blake will probably get ejected next week. Paula Abdul loves Blake. My friend Ashley says that's because Paula is sexist and stands up to dance during male performances.

This week, Paula called Blake a "contemporary rebel" for the way he beatboxed to Bee Gees songs in falsetto. That would have made him a rebel in 1983, maybe. Also a dork.

But based on the old ages of songs contestants must sing, the aggregate year "Idol" actually takes place in is 1982, so of course Paula thinks Blake is ahead of the back-to-the-future curve.

The judges truly need to catch up. A few months ago, Blake sang "All Mixed Up," a huge 1995 MTV hit that helped sell 3 million albums for the band 311. Paula, Randy and Simon beamed at how modern it sounded, since they'd never heard it.

In other words, Paula, Randy Jackson and Simon Cowell are so out of touch with modern rock from 2007 and Top 10 rock from 1995 that they think Blake's subpar beatboxing is hip to be square.

Fortunately, voters probably won't stick with Blake. Melinda and Jordin look destined for a faceoff. Melinda should win, as the only contestant who interprets fresh arrangements of old songs and sings them strong in perfect pitch.

Christian rightists ought to be pleased with Melinda. In her official "Idol" bio, she says if she wins the first thing she'll do is thank "Jesus and my mommy."

But Melinda peaked too early. Simon has stopped cooing over her (he sways viewer-voters). And Melinda is shorter in the beauty contest with Jordin, who's tall, 17 and powered up with momentum from judges and conservative religious observers.

May 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Yale graduates keep ruining the world. Bumbling politicians. Oil magnates. Montgomery Burns. And now some fresh-faced Yalies are terror suspects in ABC's new "Traveler." Some of my best friends are Yalies. But I usually keep it quiet.

Tonight's preview of "Traveler" (debuting May 30) begins as three Yale guys pack for a post-graduation road trip. But first they stop by a museum in New York. A bomb goes off. And suddenly, the Yalies are suspects in the explosion.

The two main Yalies appear to be blameless. But this is one of those shows that wouldn't exist if characters reacted the way you and I would. Instead of going to the feds with vital information, they stupidly decide to go on the run as innocent fugitives.

Because when you're innocent, you should flee from the cops. While the TV news is flashing your picture all across America. Yalies are S-M-R-T.

Then again, maybe the Yalies should take flight, because this is also yet another show with a government-type conspiracy in the shadows; powerful older Yalie types may or may not be trying to pin the bomb thing on these faultless, fatless yuppies.

The debut episode isn't so bad. The action is fairly taut, except for a dumb foot chase. The direction is tight, despite a few improbable twists.

But there is one serious aggravation. Scriptwriters really want you to know the names of the three main guys. So you hear "Jay," "Tyler" and "Will" 73 times in 42 minutes, not counting commercials that fill out the hour.

"I don't want to go without you, Jay," one guy says, then adds, "Jay, for both of our sakes. ..."

Here's my question for you: When you're standing around talking to friends, do you name-check them constantly and refer formally to their occupations? Like this?

Says Will: "I'm not a chemical engineer for the next two months. And you, Tyler, are not a venture capitalist. And you, Jay, are definitely not a lawyer. No, for the next two months, we are professional vagabonds!"

Ha. "Vagabonds." Big Yalie word.

Yale must be one wild and crazy place. Apparently, dudes' idea of a dangerous prank that might ruin their careers is to race each other through a museum. You know, rolling down stairs and bounding through hallways. X-treme, boys!

Coincidentally, "Traveler" is the zillionth ABC show about rich people on the rocks. ("Desperate Housewives," "Grey's Anatomy," "Brothers & Sisters" and so on.) ABC figures viewers are attracted to unrelatable trust-funders raised by nannies.

Before the bomb trouble, our boys throw around $50 bills, ride in limos and soak up the cocktails-and-girltails atmosphere of a hangout one guy calls "the most exclusive club in Manhattan."

Look, I don't hate entitled wealth. But watching ABC -- with its rich killers, blue-blood-thirsty housewives and Ivy League terror suspects -- I'm starting to think a public school education was the best thing that ever happened to me.

May 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Yale graduates keep ruining the world. Bumbling politicians. Oil magnates. Montgomery Burns. And now some fresh-faced Yalies are terror suspects in ABC's new "Traveler." Some of my best friends are Yalies. But I usually keep it quiet.

Tonight's preview of "Traveler" (debuting May 30) begins as three Yale guys pack for a post-graduation road trip. But first they stop by a museum in New York. A bomb goes off. And suddenly, the Yalies are suspects in the explosion.

The two main Yalies appear to be blameless. But this is one of those shows that wouldn't exist if characters reacted the way you and I would. Instead of going to the feds with vital information, they stupidly decide to go on the run as innocent fugitives.

Because when you're innocent, you should flee from the cops. While the TV news is flashing your picture all across America. Yalies are S-M-R-T.

Then again, maybe the Yalies should take flight, because this is also yet another show with a government-type conspiracy in the shadows; powerful older Yalie types may or may not be trying to pin the bomb thing on these faultless, fatless yuppies.

The debut episode isn't so bad. The action is fairly taut, except for a dumb foot chase. The direction is tight, despite a few improbable twists.

But there is one serious aggravation. Scriptwriters really want you to know the names of the three main guys. So you hear "Jay," "Tyler" and "Will" 73 times in 42 minutes, not counting commercials that fill out the hour.

"I don't want to go without you, Jay," one guy says, then adds, "Jay, for both of our sakes. ..."

Here's my question for you: When you're standing around talking to friends, do you name-check them constantly and refer formally to their occupations? Like this?

Says Will: "I'm not a chemical engineer for the next two months. And you, Tyler, are not a venture capitalist. And you, Jay, are definitely not a lawyer. No, for the next two months, we are professional vagabonds!"

Ha. "Vagabonds." Big Yalie word.

Yale must be one wild and crazy place. Apparently, dudes' idea of a dangerous prank that might ruin their careers is to race each other through a museum. You know, rolling down stairs and bounding through hallways. X-treme, boys!

Coincidentally, "Traveler" is the zillionth ABC show about rich people on the rocks. ("Desperate Housewives," "Grey's Anatomy," "Brothers & Sisters" and so on.) ABC figures viewers are attracted to unrelatable trust-funders raised by nannies.

Before the bomb trouble, our boys throw around $50 bills, ride in limos and soak up the cocktails-and-girltails atmosphere of a hangout one guy calls "the most exclusive club in Manhattan."

Look, I don't hate entitled wealth. But watching ABC -- with its rich killers, blue-blood-thirsty housewives and Ivy League terror suspects -- I'm starting to think a public school education was the best thing that ever happened to me.

May. 04, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

The crowd is booing me. I just stood onstage with a guitar and totally butchered the Police's "Message in a Bottle." And yet, my boss in "Guitar Hero II" is telling me, "You Rock!" He's wrong. I anti-rocked that song. That song should slap me in the face.

I don't mind the booing, though, because I played enough correct notes -- 81 percent -- so now I can progress to the next song. After all, the ostensible mission of "Guitar Hero II" is to work your way through 60-plus songs.

Then again, the point of "Guitar Hero II" isn't just to finish missions. The point is to have fun, to hold a plastic guitar, and press five buttons on its fret when the TV screen tells you to.

That way, you can pretend to be a bona fide rock star. If you hit the right buttons at the right time, you hear the guitar parts of songs. If you don't, you hear wrong notes. Simple idea. Hard to execute.

I'm being mildly disingenuous about my skills. "Message in a Bottle" is the only song I have messed up so far, because I played violin through early college, and compared to that, a toy guitar is easy-peasy.

One of the great things about "Guitar Hero II" is it gives gamers -- especially if they're competing against each other on the couch -- the chance to see firsthand how different bands write such dissimilar guitar leads and rhythms.

You truly have to switch gears mentally to strum along to the disparate styles of traditional rock (Thin Lizzy's "Bad Reputation"); punk (Suicidal Tendencies' "Institutionalized"); metal (Anthrax's "Madhouse"); psychobilly (the Reverend Horton Heat's "Psychobilly Freakout"); surf rock (Dick Dale's "Misirlou"); and so on.

My favorite is Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box." You don't hear the late Kurt Cobain's voice. All these songs sound like the originals, but other people sung the parts.

I'm particularly thrilled about the inclusion of tunes by Nirvana and Stone Temple Pilots, because some alternative-rock fans have been writing nasty things about how the Nirvana estate is licensing songs into games. They think Nirvana's too musically pure to be for sale.

Nirvana's "Breed" showed up on "Major League Baseball 2K7." Deadspin.com then ran this headline: "We're Still Cheesed About Nirvana On That Baseball Video Game."

"We wonder how the music will be used," one of the site's writers groused. "If it's (Derek) Jeter's batting entrance music, we're going to throw the controller against the wall."

The racer "MotorStorm" also spins Nirvana's "Breed," plus the Reverend Horton Heat's "Big Red Rocket of Love." And racing game "Burnout Dominator" pumps other good alt tunes, from Alice in Chains' "Would" to Jane's Addiction's "Stop!"

This is what I want to say to fellow alt fans: Nirvana is not heard in "Burnout Dominator," but Avril Lavigne is. Do you really want gamers being indoctrinated to her instead of Nirvana?

For that matter, alt fans, wouldn't you rather hear Nirvana than most other bands while gaming? If not, I'd like to send that booing crowd from "Guitar Hero II" to pester your Web site.

("Guitar Hero II" with guitar bundle retails for $80 for PS 2, $90 for Xbox 360 -- Plays fun, especially during competitions against other gamers. Looks good. Easy to very difficult. Rated "T" for lyrics. Four stars out of four.)

Apr. 27, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

Those who know the gospels of Mario understand he was conceived immaculately and delivered to his parents by stork. A one-time carpenter, he is now, in "Super Paper Mario," a savior who must rescue the universe from apocalypse.

Merely 5-foot-1, Mario seeks to stop a devilish figure of nobility, the blue-faced Count Bleck, who wishes to spin his evil powers and cram all existence into a rip in the fabric of space, and kill us all.

Our savior's journey is demanding. For starters, Mario is only two-dimensional this time, merely an animated piece of paper running left to right, navigating secret tunnels and mazes of 2-D towns and deserts. How can a paper man save the universe?

Standing between Mario and the count are piranha plants and other deceptively dangerous creatures. Mushrooms walk and bear down upon Mario with furrowed brows and sharp fangs. Their mere touch is poison.

A large robot named Chunk pounds big fists at Mario. When Chunk loses, he flies away by passing gas; it propels him upward as a sci-fi rocket would.

Angelic turtles flap wings at Mario from above, concealing behind dark sunglasses their wicked turtle eyes.

This story must sound familiar to those who have followed Mario's adventures. Liberating the world from evil-doers has been Mario's passion ever since he saved his girlfriend, Princess Peach, from a big monkey named "Donkey Kong" 26 years ago.

In humble overalls, he's saved the world so often (and rescued Peach from kidnappers so frequently), he has become a celebrity billionaire, an Italian-Japanese-American with a star on the real-life Hollywood Walk of Fame. (Bob Hoskins played him in the movies.)

But his escapades are also potentially tiresome. Thankfully, "Super Paper Mario" cleverly reinvents the legend by giving him the miraculous ability to change the world from two-dimensional to three-dimensional.

He'll be moving his little feet, looking like an animated slice of paper. Suddenly, you press a button, and the world will become three-dimensional, so he can find hidden treasures and mysterious bridges to flatlands filled with clues as to where he should travel next.

This trick of perspective is enough to re-energize the game series. And "Super Paper Mario" also lets gamers float via parasol as Peach; spit fire as Bowser (less evil than usual); and jump huge heights as Mario's younger brother Luigi (doomed to live in Mario's shadow).

The look of the game is a bizarre and splendid paradise of hippie abstract-minimalism. At times, Mario travels over hill and dale by stepping onto a pen-and-ink square of an elevator system, which moves him across see-through blue blocks of sky.

The adventure becomes annoying only when action-stopping conversations must be read on the screen, rather than heard. One of the count's minions is Nastasia, a blue girl characterized by cat eyeglasses and a purple hair bun. She warns the count about Mario:

"Apparently there's been some unapproved interdimensional activity lately," she says. "Yeah, I'm thinking it's the hero of prophecy. We're gonna need an action plan for this guy."

Enough of that chatter, already. Let's get to the trippy action of our hero, the violent, supernaturally regenerating Christ-like form of a man who wields godlike powers to burn "flesh" off of winged-turtle villains. Yes. And don't fail to kill the gaseous robots. It's important.

("Super Paper Mario" retails for $50 for Wii -- Plays fun, fairly addictive. Looks good. Challenging. Rated "E" for comic mischief, mild cartoon violence. Three and one-half stars out of four.)

Apr. 20, 2007
By Doug Elfman
The Game Dork

The first game-girl I fell in love with was Jill Valentine. She got trapped in an evil mansion. I guided her through its shadowy hallways, where devil dogs jumped at her through glass windows and undead monsters tore at her torso with enormous "clip-clop" claws.

Jill was stunning as a strong siren, firing bullets and a grudge, starting with 1996's "Resident Evil." In retrospect, she was overdressed, sporting a military uniform; sometimes, a black skirt and blue tube top. All class, that Jill.

If you beat the masterful "Resident Evil," the next time you played, you could dress down Jill in a closet. That option was not included in the Milla Jovovich movies based on Jill's "Resident Evil" game series.

Since Jill's debut, only a few handfuls of games for consoles -- PlayStations, Xboxes and Nintendo systems -- have truly hiked up skirts or put major topless characters in G-strings. (PC games have been more explicit, dating back to at least the early 1990s.)

To be blunt, nude, feminine sexuality is uncommon in games, no matter what politicians and anti-nude interest groups would have you believe. Sex and sensuality is still verboten, while mass violence is the norm, just like on network TV and in American movies.

On point: "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" was rated "Mature" -- with its hundreds of gruesome, bloody deaths -- until honchos at the Entertainment Software Ratings Board found a striptease in it; then they slapped an 18-and-over "Adult" label on it.

I just finished poring over hundreds of my game reviews from the past few years. Then I looked ahead at a few titles coming out soon.

After all that, I could barely scratch together a list of Top 10 Nude (Or Might As Well Be) Moments In Platform Games. (There are loads of topless, muscle-bound men in action-adventures and shooting galleries. But that's not really the same, is it?)

I discounted forgettable games, like the old racing title, "BMX XXX," co-starring topless women riders. Instead, these are popular and/or good games bearing a powerful, sensual impression. The Top 10 in order:

"Leisure Suit Larry: Magna cum Laude"; the "God of War" series; "Playboy: The Mansion"; "Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball"; the "Grand Theft Auto" series; "TimeSplitters: Future Perfect"; "Pocket Pool"; the "Tomb Raider" series; "Bullet Witch"; and "Heavenly Sword."

The latest sexy title is "Bullet Witch" for Xbox 360. You play as Alicia the witch and kill ghouls after Judgment Day. She's clothed, but leatherwear clings skintight over her intense attributes. Too bad it's a dumb, repetitive game of killing that wastes beautiful artistic sets.

Sex maniacs shouldn't fret, though. "Pocket Pool" just came out for Sony's handheld PSP. It's a billiards title where, once you win, you're treated to photos and videos of nearly naked women bending and so forth in suggestive poses.

And later this year, PS 3 owners can buy "Heavenly Sword," in which a redheaded woman slays fellow warriors while spinning cartwheels in a G-string.

Because, if anything says, "I'm gonna beat you up real good with female empowerment," it's a world-class, world-saving fighter in a G-string.

("Bullet Witch" retails for $50 for Xbox 360 -- Plays repetitive, while killing post-apocalyptic monsters as a witch. Looks good. Moderately difficult. Rated "M" for blood, language, violence. Two stars out of four.)

May 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

A few people in my business suggest Dick Wolf has been campaigning in the press to keep NBC from canceling his creations "Law & Order" and/or "Criminal Intent." But the truth is Wolf is barely talking.

Agreeing to my request for an interview, he doesn't say one derogatory thing about NBC and won't go on record about negotiations.

NBC says the shows are expensive, and ratings are down. But NBC makes loads of money from syndication. And in my opinion, NBC is to blame for burying "Law & Order" in its worst time slot at 9 p.m. Fridays.

Wolf, 60, has said in the past that budget cuts lead to cutting a street scene or two.

But more cuts now would probably limit scenes even more, and may impinge on casting decisions.

It's weird timing. Star Fred Thompson is considering running for president, hasn't spent a dime and is polling ahead of John McCain among Republicans. And star Sam Waterston is helping form a third party.

In other words, "Law & Order" may affect the future of the republic. Yet, NBC might cancel it. Surreal.

Meanwhile, "L&O" scripts are being reshot and broadcast in Russia and France.

"The revenue is a trickle now, but it could become a major stream," Wolf says. "We expect to announce two new format sales in the next 90 days.

"My hope is that, quite literally, the sun will never set on units shooting various 'Law & Orders.' "

I can get behind that.

May 8, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

About five years ago, all the "Law & Orders" competed for dibs to fictionalize ripped-from-the-headlines stories. But creator Dick Wolf eventually ditched that system. He figured there are plenty of headlines to go around.

"I've given up trying to legislate," Wolf says. "People haven't stopped killing themselves in unique and interesting ways."

This week's for-instance is on "Law & Order: Criminal Intent": Anna Nicole Smith's druggie son convulses to death on a floor. Distraught Anna Nicole wishes to die too, and she pops a rainbow of pills.
As usual, the names and circumstances vary. The blond bombshell is Lorelei, not Anna Nicole. Her son collapses at a party, not at a hospital. And so on.

I like regulars Chris Noth and Julianne Nicholson, though they're oddly a little flat this week. (Alternate "CI" episodes still star Vincent D'Onofrio and Kathryn Erbe.)

Even so, I prefer these "Law & Order" topical episodes to E!'s scandal-documentaries. E! shows can be ham-fisted, judgmental, dry and emotionless.

When a "Law & Order" tackles pop culture, it feels more potently true. I think it's because writers are in the industry, fleshing out exploits of peers. They paint with broad yet character-specific strokes.

The actors are insiders, too. Look at David Cross. In his brilliant stand-up routines, he savages Hollywood. Portraying Lorelei's smarmy man, he's clearly relishing the role, screaming "Bitches!" while holding a baby, then cooing at it. It's a funny scene.

More than usual, a big cast signed on for guest roles. Kristy Swanson, the first "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," plays fat Lorelei in animal-print lingerie. Cross is her manager-husband. Director Peter Bogdanovich is a playboy publisher.

And assuredly, that's a doggy star portraying Lorelei's bow-haired, vest-wearing pooch. That little bitch character is likely based on Anna Nicole's leg-humper Sugar Pie, but the pup is not drug-addled, at least not that I'm aware of.

May 8, 2007
Tonight
"NCIS" (7 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Star Mark Harmon got the creator of this hit show, Don Bellisario, thrown out as executive producer. Reportedly, Harmon and others staged a coup. Bizarre. Bellisario, 71, is a big fish. He created "JAG," "Quantum Leap" and "Magnum, P.I.," and produced the original "Battlestar Galactica." But he's demanding. The crew works 16 hours a day from July 4 till the end of May. In January, Harmon told me Bellisario is a "force of nature" and "not for the weak of heart." Apparently, Harmon's heart couldn't take him anymore.

"Gilmore Girls" (7 p.m., WGN-Channel 9): The last episode ever is May 15, and star Lauren Graham told TV Guide she's relieved. CW wanted to continue it, but she and co-star Alexis Bledel were tired and didn't want to do the grind anymore. The show was creatively at an end, she says. Diehard fans should read the interview at TVGuide.com. It's long, and she's very forthcoming.

May 6, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Your favorite TV show treated you right for a while. It gave you sultry nights, maybe a happy Valentine's Day or a very special Christmas. But lately, it's gotten stupid, annoying and predictable.

So, should you divorce your show?

It's a tough call. Can you give up your TV boyfriend Wentworth Miller along with his dumb drama, "Prison Break"?
Can you finally break up with "Lost" since it never tells you what's on its mind?

After all, you're already seeing "Heroes" on the side.

These are hard choices facing my women friends, or at least the ones who watch TV with the zeal of a McSteamy shower.

I know three Stephanies, and all three are sick of getting teased by silly "Grey's Anatomy," yet they've had trouble dumping it. Two of my Stephanies have given "Grey's" its walking papers. The third Stephanie -- referred to hereafter as "Steph" -- is on the verge of a separation.

"I'm having a hard time doing it," Steph says. "You want to end it, but you don't, because then you'll be all by yourself. Seriously, I'm like that with 'Prison Break' right now. I'm like that with 'Lost'; I don't even know why I'm TiVoing it."

There are now more hit shows to break up with than to make up with. And they lend themselves to the following guide to understanding your dysfunctional TV relationships.

SHOWS THAT HATE WOMEN AND THE WOMEN WHO LOVE THEM

'Lost'
You've invested a lot of work in this relationship, but it's going nowhere. Steph once respected "Lost's" theories about spirituality and sociology, but its unwillingness to share information with her is annoying.
Steph says "Heroes" (a much more open communicator) is wooing her away from "Lost," and the two serials don't even air on the same night.

"It makes more money and it treats me nicer," Steph says of "Heroes."

My friend Emily says "Heroes" is more attractive to her, too, since it "gives me depth and gives back."

Emily likens "Lost" to the following exchange with a guy:

Emily: "Wow, you're so mysterious. Tell me about your jungle that sucks people in. That sounds really interesting. I would love to know more."

"Lost": "No. You don't get to know more."

Emily posits an astonishing theory: "It's a show about how women ruin everything." That is, all the women seem to exist as little more than wombs to be impregnated, or troubled subjugates to the men's misogynistic desires to alter their pregnancies and boss them around.

One strong woman is supposed to be Kate. She killed her stepfather to protect her mother from abuse. But then Kate's mom shunned Kate.

"That's not a good message," Emily says. "Even if you're strong enough that you should be looked up to, you get douched on by your mom. 'Heroes' doesn't have that same misogynistic tendency."

MENAGE A TROIS GONE WRONG:

'Grey's Anatomy'
The alluring threesome is a) viewers, b) the show's female form and c) McDreamy/McSteamy two-dimensional men. But the stories take forever to develop.
And characters do dumb things constantly, like when Izzie stood frozen with fear in one spot in front of the hospital for a whole day, after severely mourning the death of a fiance she didn't even know. That was the stupidest thing I've seen on TV this season, and I watched the debut of "Drive."

Steph is one of my last female friends who truly watches "Grey's." But she forgets she TiVos it, then remembers, then goes, "Oh, I guess I can watch this."

Tick, tock, "Grey's."

THE HOT CHICK

'Prison Break'
There's just one reason stupid "Prison Break" still exists. Wentworth Miller.
"It's like how guys start dating a hot chick, and then they start talking to her and realize she's a big dolt, and then they're just having sex with a hot chick, and you know it's not really going anywhere, and you get tired of her," Steph says.

"Wentworth Miller is the hot chick," she says. "I'm getting bored with it. Like, 'Aw, it's Monday, I've gotta watch "Prison Break." ' Whatever."

THE PITY RELATIONSHIP:

'The Sopranos'
Steph's ultra bored by it, yet she's seeing it through to the bitter end. " 'Sopranos' is like the guy with a beloved grandma who's dying that you can't leave," Steph says. "But secretly you can't wait for it to die."
EXES WHO WON'T GO AWAY:

'Desperate Housewives' and 'Scrubs'
"I went out with 'Desperate' for the first year, and I couldn't stand Susan -- Teri Hatcher -- so I just stopped watching," Steph says. "She's just so whiny. She always does stupid stuff, and her hair's annoying, and there's already enough annoying people in my life."

THE SEASONAL HIT-IT-AND-QUIT-IT:

'American Idol'
Some fans hit "Idol" at the start, when the singers are mostly bad, then quit it. Others are attracted to "Idol's" back half, when the singers are better. But ratings show a whole lot of people quit "Idol" when Sanjaya got ejected.

delfman@suntimes.com


ALSO DYSFUNCTIONAL
Exes You Barely Remember: "ER," "Survivor," "The Bachelor" -- Some relationships just run out of steam.
The One in a Rut: "How I Met Your Mother" -- Who's the mother already? Who's getting married already?

The Overeager Beaver: "Veronica Mars" -- Creator Rob Thomas says he alters scripts in response to fan postings and CW executives' suggestions. He's too eager to please, and earlier this season that eagerness came across as weak-willed.

BETTER RELATIONSHIPS
The New Steady: "Heroes" -- It pays attention to your needs and answers your questions in a timely manner, yet it's still mysterious, cool and charmingly dorky.
Friend With Benefits: "Entourage" -- Or, if you prefer, it's a one-night stand, every week. "It's mindless, like good sex," Steph says. "Half an hour, in and out. No strings, you know."

The One That Makes You Laugh: "The Office" -- Tells funny stories you can share with friends. "It's a controlled environment," Emily says. "It's safe. You always know the boss will say something inappropriate, and you always know Jim will come to the rescue and say something cute to the secretary."

It's Just Not That Into You: "House" -- Dr. House behaves like an ass, but you can't get enough of him.

The Physical Trainer: "24" -- Lately, all that activity "24's" been putting you through feels like one workout too many. But what shape would you be in without it?

What stage of disrepair is your TV relationship in?
CODEPENDENT: You always view first-run episodes.
FLING: You record it but don't always get to it, the way you'd let a frequent date's phone messages go to voice mail.
GRIEF COUNSELING: You gab with friends about the show's problems.
BROKENHEARTED: You split, but occasionally view old repeats to recollect better days, as you would a relationship photo album. When you run into friends who still hang out with the show, you ask who the characters are seeing now.

May 3, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Dr. McDreamy found his estranged wife, Dr. Addison Montgomery, in a hotel room. They chatted nice-nice until the bathroom door opened and out walked a nearly naked Dr. McSteamy, abs rippling above a dangling towel.

It was the shower scene of women's dreams, and it established Addison as a sex-assertive role model.

"He was supposed to be just in a towel," says Kate Walsh, the erstwhile horny Addison. "And then [the director] was like, 'Let's kind of drop the towel a little.' And that was Eric [Dane's] first scene on the show. I was, like, 'You're man meat, baby, welcome aboard.' "

That moment penetrated the beginning of this third season of "Grey's Anatomy." As the season draws closer to wrapping, tonight's two-hour "Grey's" is what people in the TV industry call a "back-door pilot"; it effectively serves as the debut of a possible spinoff series for Walsh's character.

Can Walsh carry her own doctor show on ABC?

But of course. Walsh is emotionally compelling as Addison, and she will likely transfer "Grey's" fingerprints to her new show: having sex with hot dudes, cutting to the quick truth of situations, crying, doctoring and jumping more hot dudes. What's so difficult about that?

"Grey's" creator Shonda Rhimes is stacking the man-meat deck for Walsh's melodrama. Co-stars for her L.A.-set series are model-turned-actor Taye Diggs (People magazine's fourth-sexiest man alive), Tim Daly and Chris Lowell (this season's hot guy on "Veronica Mars").

Also following the "Grey's" pattern, strong actresses are lined up to co-star: Amy Brenneman and Merrin Dungey (Francie/Allison from "Alias").

The only obstacle at this point seems to be the terribly generic tentative title of the spinoff, "Private Practice."

There's relevant objectification to be said of how redheaded Walsh, 39, radiates on TV. She's got a lucky face. A little dark mascara on her bedroom half-lids shifts her sharp face into a throwback look of dames and power dolls of noir in the 1950s, circa Lauren Bacall.

She is also a tall glass of sultry, a model-turned-actress who swings from diva to androgynous. She's played a comical girlfriend on "The Drew Carey Show," a transsexual on "CSI," a happy lesbian in "Under the Tuscan Sun" and now a sexual predator shaking up a coalition of the willing on "Prey's Anatomy."

But right, she's a good actress, too. The moment that proved her worth as a series lead came in this season's first episode. In a flashback, she was deeply vulnerable, pleading for her husband, Derek, not to leave her over her affair with "man whore" McSteamy. She was extraordinary.

I ran into Walsh at a party a few months ago, before ABC announced the spinoff. I asked her about the portrayal of women on "Grey's," and she pointed out these characters are many generations removed from neurotic and wacky icons like Lucille Ball and Mary Tyler Moore.

"Now there's definitely a little more room for, 'Hey, this is what's happening out there' [in women's lives.] People are identifying and they're listening."

Apparently, people are identifying with Addison's fully flowered, romantic libido. After bonking Drs. McSteamy and McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey, People magazine's second-sexiest man alive), she played doctor last week with Dr. Alex (model-turned-actor Justin Chambers).

"I do have a lot of action on television," Walsh told me, with a big smile.

The pressing question about "Private Practice" isn't about Walsh, but Rhimes. It stands to reason the show could follow the "Grey's" template of empowering women with internal strength but stereotypical moodiness, while they navigate relationships with two-dimensional, weak-willed worms.

I've come to terms with that formula as a feminist's echo to TV's sliming of women as crime victims, harpy moms and Pussycat Dolls.

But hopefully, Rhimes will not transfer "Grey's" weaknesses: People coincidentally walk in on scenes exactly at the moment their mates are flirting with others; love triangles are belabored for three seasons, and actors' hard work gets trampled by overplayed, saccharine, pizzicato music scores.

Walsh, on the other hand, just needs to keep being Addison, and she understands her character is primed to lighten up.

"I think it's realistic. Her marriage just fell apart, and she's in Seattle. What the hell is she doing there? And she's got her job, and that's the only thing she's got going right now, so she's putting everything into it," she said.

But, she said, "Can't she just crawl across the bar and do a tequila shot?"

Well then, what better town for Addison to get her shallow groove back in than L.A.? It may not be the best place to find a husband, but it's overflowing with meaty man whores.

April 29, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

People keep asking me how "The Sopranos" will end when it wraps its final season this spring. I have no idea. But I definitely know how I'd write the last "Sopranos" if I had the power.

In fact, springtime brings finales for quite a few shows -- season finales and series finales. I've given a lot of thought to how I'd close out three serial seasons in particular.

I'd keep Tony Soprano in power, kill Sylar on "Heroes" and make sure Jack and Audrey are reunited for good on "24."
My storyboards:

'The Sopranos'
I would continue to dunk Tony in peril. The feds are hounding him, his New Jersey families are threatened by New York mobsters and you never know if someone close to Tony will turn against him.
In the last 30 minutes, I would have Tony prevail over all hazards. To survive, he'd be put in the position to kill someone he personally doesn't want to, like Christopher.

But in the last 10 minutes, I'd send Tony to the strip club, where his crew continues to grouse and cause him low-level misery. Then, he'd go home and have to listen to the same old complaints from his family.

In the last minute, I'd seat him at a table in the well-lighted kitchen, staring ahead, distracted, stuffing too much macaroni into his drunk, dissatisfied mouth. In the background, the sound of his arguing family fills his ears.

A final song would take over the soundtrack. I'd use Peggy Lee's "Is That All There Is?" or hire someone like Leonard Cohen or David Bowie to sing a slow and depressing version of "My Way."

And fade out.

This is how I see Tony. He's a sloppy survivor of an unfortunate life of his making. He once said, "I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to s---." In my ending, we'd see him reigning indefinitely under this crown of crap.


'Heroes'
In Peter's visions, he explodes atomically and destroys New York. A key to stopping this from happening is for the cast of "Heroes" to have saved Claire the cheerleader.
In the finale, it's obvious you'd have to place Claire and the other super-humans in New York to help keep Peter from going boom, since his prophecy shows the heroes congregating around him during the blast.

But the crucial ending I'd be sure to pull off is to kill Sylar, the evil superhuman anti-"hero" who's murdering other heroes. He's been a juicy, nasty piece of work. If he doesn't die, though, "Heroes" could get mired in his story line.

To kill Sylar would be taking a page from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." One villain per year kept "Buffy" fresh. It satisfied viewers and made us look forward to the next fall's baddie. We knew there'd be a final big-bad someday, but we knew we wouldn't get "Lost" and strung along indefinitely.

I'd also send Jessica away. Her role has been the show's sole weak spot. Yeah, yeah, she's a bad mom/person on occasions when she turns evil. Whatever.


'24'
Jack Bauer already has saved Los Angeles from nuclear bomb threats this season. Now that he's gone rogue from CTU to get his lover Audrey back from bad guys, I'd make sure they ended up together for good.
As much as I enjoy the uncertainty of action plots in "24," it would be nice to see Jack get at least one steady person to stay in his life. And he and Audrey make a good match with believable chemistry.

The question is: Will Kim Raver stick around to play Audrey? Jack's Kiefer Sutherland has said plenty of times he likes working with Raver and wants Jack to settle down with her eventually, if Jack doesn't die someday.

But Raver is always signing up for other shows. She was on the ill-fated "The Nine" this season. She's in a TV pilot being considered for a fall debut. I don't wish failure on Raver's other shows, but it sure would be nice if she stayed on "24."

delfman@suntimes.com

IF IT WERE YOUR SHOW, HOW YOU END IT?
How would you write the finales for "The Sopranos" and other shows? Tell me in an e-mail (delfman@suntimes.com). Please include your first name.

April 27, 2007
DOUG ELFMAN delfman@ suntimes.com

Katie Couric is scheduled to be in town today to anchor the CBS news from Chicago. But she's also here to be the guest of honor Saturday at an American Cancer Society ball. No matter what TV critics say, her commitment to helping people battle cancer is stellar.

As for us critics: We've been right and we've been wrong in questioning her bona fides as anchor and managing editor of the sober "CBS Evening News."

By far her worst week came earlier this month. Couric got caught up in a plagiarism brouhaha. It didn't catch fire nationally because America was in the grip of fire-Don-Imus fever.

What happened: In a CBS.com video diary, Couric read a commentary about how children don't flock to libraries anymore. The piece was written by a producer, who stole words for it from a Wall Street Journal piece.

"I still remember when I got my first library card ..." Couric began the cribbed commentary.

Couric uses this "I remember" bit as a crutch. The day she took over at CBS News, she began her video diary:

"I still vividly recall the lime green and white shift I wore on my first day of seventh grade, and the bra my mom forced on me, much to my chagrin and discomfort."

Couric can't be totally blamed for an underling's plagiarism. But by adding "I remember" leads, she's made it look as if she's writing what she's reading, and that's misleading.

Then again, we critics were wrong to think Couric wasn't up to the gravity of anchor, because that part of the job entails reading other people's words. In that capacity, she is fine.

Is she worth the price? Supposedly, she earns $15 million a year at CBS. Her broadcast is mired in third place.

As managing editor, Couric exercises both good instincts and bad. Last week, she faced her first huge test, covering the gun massacre at Virginia Tech. The first few days, she expanded the broadcast to an hour, and floundered.

She snared a one-on-one interview with President Bush, and aired only his "I cried when they wanted to cry" comments during the first 30 minutes. Her interviewing skills are still mediocre.

She also didn't pore over the hard news gun-control angle with Bush until the second half hour, which CBS affiliates had the option not to air, in favor of their local scheduling.

Later in the week, CBS cut back to a half hour. Couric only had time to read intros to strong stories, and "The Evening News" was suddenly quite good again. It was far better than cable newscasters, who pretended to be therapists all week.

Still, Couric lets in some real snoozy stories. Last week brought a long and dreadful feature on people typing condolences to Virginia Tech victims on Facebook.com.

CBS gets a strange bargain with Couric. More than her rival anchors, she draws free publicity in other media. She burned up gossip columns by dating, oh, some guy.

"Her new boy toy" is a "33-year-old going on 18," the New York Post declared.

Couric feeds her image by talking about her bra and stuff. This month, she poses on the cover of More magazine in what appears to be a couture trench-coat dress. She looks like a flasher, all naked legs and neck.

Is it a stylish photo? Sure. If NBC's Brian Williams appeared on a magazine looking like a flasher, would he be ridiculed? Yes.

Truthfully, Couric's self-promotional judgment says more about the culture of how famous women are perceived (fashion icons, fluffy) than about her news judgment.

So there's the bottom line. She's behind in the ratings, despite being a media magnet, but probably because she's still finding her way as managing editor. But she's good at reading copy written for her. What a mixed couture bag.

April 24, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
"Hannah Montana" is a kiddie comedy about a schoolgirl who secretly doubles as a pop star. It debuted last year and has endeared itself to children. At the official Web site, you see the raves posted by 8- to 11-year-old boys and girls.

"Do you have fun being a rock star on your show?" one kid asks. Another: "I love your music and style!"

The non-parental adult TV critic in me suspects this is corny idol worship of a famous young actress portraying a famous young singer.

But the show, which is starting its second season with new episodes this week, is actually fine for what it is. It's a kindly family half-hour (though pretty white) that contrasts well to incomprehensible and deafening shows aimed at kids' baser instincts and parents' wallets.

Onstage, Hannah is a pop star. At home and at school, she is just Miley (Miley Cyrus, 16). Her dad Robby Ray (Billy Ray Cyrus) used to be a country singer, but he quit when his wife died. Now he writes songs for Miley and manages her.

Because I'm an adult, I didn't laugh much at the old-school sitcom jokes set to absurd laugh tracks.

The best "Hannah" joke I've heard came last year. Aunt Dolly (Dolly Parton in a cameo) explained why her mobile phone was in her hair: "Well, honey, when your pants are as tight as mine, you gotta have somewhere to put your phone."

But there are a lot of sweet and not saccharine moments between Miley and her dad. In Friday's episode, he helps comfort Miley when she worries throat surgery will destroy her voice. There's more light-comic tenderness when Miley's dead mom (guest star Brooke Shields) comes back to life in her dreams to calm Miley's fears.

All of that calm, loving support -- especially now on TV -- melts my heart just enough to forgive Disney for selling "Hannah Montana" iPod coverings for $40 apiece.

This is a rarity for me. Normally, I'd be inclined to pick apart a series like "Hannah Montana," since it's a mostly unfunny comedy that kind of inherently glorifies celebrity, and the production values are weak.

Plus, why does the title sound like a stripper's name?

But I'm a sucker for such shows that are pure of heart (or as pure of heart as Disney can be).

And while it's no "Everybody Hates Chris," which is probably the best family show on TV, I understand why parents would approve. "Hannah Montana" doesn't seem to be a corrupting influence on children, and that's the real rarity.

April 22, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic
You travel to another country and feel disoriented. But then you see something you recognize. A McDonald's. A Burger King. Suddenly, you get your bearings again.

"Law and Order" is like that on TV. It's comfort food, but 1,000 times better than a Big Mac.

It's rare when TV surprises me. Yet I'm taken aback by reports that NBC might cancel "Law & Order," especially now that it is solely responsible for launching the potential presidential campaign of Republican actor Fred Dalton Thompson.

I doubt I'd vote for Thompson -- too closed-minded, big frowns, plus he's an actor -- but how many shows have the power to make a thespian a possible future president? He's polling better than John McCain.

Every year, we TV critics write about "bubble shows" -- shows that are struggling in the ratings and may or may not be canceled in the next few weeks. "Law & Order" is the most accomplished series on the bubble.

Other critics are rallying around younger shows that appeal to younger audiences, like NBC's teen-footballers-in-Texas "Friday Night Lights" and one of my very favorites, the CW's "Veronica Mars." At influential E!, Kristin Veitch took an online vote among readers, who want to save the CW's "Gilmore Girls."

Those are fine choices for "save our show" campaigns. Few other shows deserve another chance. Do we really need another season of "The Nine"? No.

Above all else, I want "Law & Order" saved because it's still one of the best dramas on TV, and I don't know how I'd travel the channels without having the original "Law & Order" to rest on.

"The mothership is a real discussion," NBC Entertainment president Kevin Reilly told Variety last week. "Nothing goes on forever."

Industry insiders use the term "mothership" when distinguishing "L&O" from the other "L&O" shows, but it's more than that. It's the detective show that prepped TV viewers to get sucked into all other existing detective shows.

Creator Dick Wolf agrees there's a glut of copycats. "Between the 'Law & Orders' and the 'CSIs,' that's six hours right there, not to mention 'Without a Trace' and 'Cold Case,' " he once said. "There [are] a lot of procedurals. But the good ones are still here."

The best one is "Law & Order." It and "Veronica Mars" are the only shows that nail gritty elements of neo-noir: the murky conversations between detectives and cons; the moral grayness of good guys; the attempt to do good despite a cynical viewpoint on life.

Ratings are down for "L&O," but that's partly due to NBC shoving it onto must-miss Friday nights, and partly because the drama lost an anchor when Jerry Orbach left the show and died. Usually, "L&O" has changed one cop and one prosecutor slowly. It's been too much of a revolving door for a few years, commercially speaking (creatively, the cast has been solid).

But each half-hour remains steadied by Jesse L. Martin as Detective Ed Green, S. Epatha Merkerson as Lt. Anita Van Buren, and Sam Waterston as prosecutor Jack McCoy. Martin is one of the most underrated actors on TV. Merkerson and Waterston earn icon status.

Yes, the show has aired for 17 years. But it isn't running out of steam. It's just been eclipsed in pop-culture chatter by rising stars.

NBC's problem is it's got the best lineup of quality shows this season, but it's getting whipped in the ratings. NBC has become a counter-programmed network, having to figure out what to run against "American Idol," "Lost," "Grey's Anatomy," etc.

And what's it gonna do, run "Law & Order" after sci-fi youth show "Heroes" on Mondays? Against "Lost" on Wednesdays? You could look all over for a perfect time slot and find no perfect counter-programming opening for "Law & Order."

But that's true of most things on NBC, and that won't change until the pendulum swings back and viewers take to comedies again (NBC will be sitting pretty then with "30 Rock") and again prefer tightly written detective shows to cheesy but good-looking "CSI" shows.

Network executives must think only a new fall drama has the chance of becoming a lightning-strike hit against rival shows. But if "Law and Order" goes away, what comfort-food show will keep devoted, longtime NBC fans tuning in? "ER"? I don't think so.

delfman@suntimes.com



WORTH SAVING
"Law & Order" (NBC): Old but great.
"The Loop" (Fox): The best comedy you don't watch. It gets one last chance with new episodes in June.

"Veronica Mars" (CW): The third season wasn't its best, but it's still a fun mystery.



DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY DONE
"20 Good Years" (NBC)
"Andy Barker, P.I." (NBC)

"Armed & Famous" (CBS)

"Big Day" (ABC)

"The Black Donnellys" (NBC)

"Deadwood" (HBO; two finale episodes planned)

"Extras" (HBO, finale special planned)

"Help Me Help You" (NBC)

"In Case of Emergency" (ABC)

"The King of Queens" (CBS; finale on May 14)

"The Knights of Prosperity" (ABC)

"The Loop" (Fox)

"The O.C." (Fox) »

"Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" (Bravo; ends this summer)

"Rome" (HBO)

"7th Heaven" (CW; finale on May 13)

"Six Degrees" (ABC)

"Sleeper Cell" (Showtime)

"The Sopranos" (HBO; finale on June 10)

"Standoff" (Fox)

"Stargate: SG-1" (Sci-Fi; finale planned for June)

"The Wedding Bells" (Fox)

"The War at Home" (Fox)


RENEWED OR PRESUMED SAFE
"30 Rock" (NBC)
"60 Minutes" (CBS)

"Amazing Race" (CBS)

"American Dad" (Fox)

"American Idol" (Fox)

"America's Funniest Home Videos" (ABC)

"America's Most Wanted" (Fox)

"America's Next Top Model" (CW)

"The Apprentice" (NBC)

"Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" (Fox)

"The Bachelor" (ABC)

"Battlestar Galactica" (Sci-Fi)

"The Biggest Loser" (NBC)

"Big Brother" (CBS)

"Big Love" (HBO)

"Bones" (Fox)

"Boston Legal" (ABC)

"Brothers and Sisters" (ABC)

"The Closer" (TNT)

"Cold Case" (CBS)

"Cops" (Fox)

"Criminal Minds" (CBS)

"CS." (CBS)

"CSI: Miami" (CBS)

"CSI: NY" (CBS)

"Dancing With the Stars" (ABC)

"Desperate Housewives" (ABC)

"Dexter" (Showtime)

"Entourage" (HBO)

"ER" (NBC)

"Everybody Hates Chris" (CW)

"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" (ABC)

"Family Guy" (Fox)

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC)

"Heroes" (NBC)

"The Hills" (MTV)

"House" (Fox)

"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (FX)

"King of the Hill" (Fox)

"The L Word" (Showtime)

"Las Vegas" (NBC)

"Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" (NBC)

"Lost" (ABC)

"Men in Trees" (ABC)

"My Name is Earl" (NBC)

"NCIS" (CBS)

"Nip/Tuck" (FX)

"Numb3rs" (CBS)

"October Road" (ABC)

"The Office" (NBC)

"Prison Break" (Fox)

"Project Runway" (Bravo)

"Rescue Me" (FX)

"The Sarah Silverman Program" (Comedy Central)

"Shark" (CBS)

"The Shield" (FX)

"The Simpsons" (Fox)

"So You Think You Can Dance" (Fox)

"South Park" (Comedy Central)

"Supernanny" (ABC)

"Ugly Betty" (ABC)

"Survivor" (CBS)

"Weeds" (Showtime)

"Wife Swap" (ABC)

"Without a Trace" (CBS)

"The Wire" (HBO)

"WWE Smackdown" (CW)


'BUBBLE' SHOWS
Because of their lackluster (but not deadly) ratings, it wasn't certain at press time whether these series would be canceled or if they'd return for another season next fall. They're "on the bubble."
"1 vs. 100" (NBC)

"20/20" (ABC)

"According to Jim" (ABC)

"All of Us" (CW)

"Beauty and the Geek" (CW)

"The Class" (CBS)

"Close to Home" (CBS)

"Crossing Jordan" (NBC)

"Dirt" (FX)

"Friday Night Lights" (NBC)

"The Game" (CW)

"The George Lopez Show" (ABC)

"Ghost Whisperer" (CBS)

"Gilmore Girls" (CW)

"Girlfriends" (CW)

"Identity" (NBC)

"Jericho" (CBS) »

"Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County" (MTV)

"Law & Order" (NBC)

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (NBC)

"Medium" (NBC)

"Nanny 911" (Fox)

"Nashville Star" (USA)

"The New Adventures of Old Christine" (CBS)

"The Nine" (ABC)

"Notes from the Underbelly" (ABC)

"One Tree Hill" (CW)

"Raines" (NBC)

"The Riches" (FX)

"Rock Star" (CBS)

"Rules of Engagement" (CBS)

"Scrubs" (NBC)

"Smallville" (CW)

"Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" (NBC)

"Supernatural" (CW)

"Thank God You're Here" (NBC)

" 'Til Death" (CBS)

"The Unit" (CBS)

"Veronica Mars" (CW)

"What About Brian" (ABC)

"The Winner" (Fox)

WHERE TO WRITE
If you want to make sure your favorite show isn't canceled, now's the time to make your opinion known. Write to network programmers at these addresses:
Stephen McPherson, ABC, 2300 Riverside Dr., Burbank, CA, 91521
Nina Tassler, CBS, 7800 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, CA, 90036
Peter Liguori, Fox, Box 900, Beverly Hills, CA, 90213
Kevin Reilly, NBC, 3000 W. Alameda Ave., Burbank, CA, 91523
Dawn Ostroff, CW, 11800 Wilshire Blvd., Los Angeles, CA, 90025

April 18, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Chicago Sun-Times

Sanjaya is still the only thing to talk about on "American Idol." Maxim Online just declared him "androgynous" and named him "Today's Girl." And Tuesday night, Simon Cowell finally lost it after Sanjaya butchered "Something to Talk About."

"Utterly horrendous," Cowell said, drawing boos from a crowd that would cheer any karaoke performance anywhere. "It was as bad as anything we see at the beginning of 'American Idol.' "

Sanjaya -- wearing curls behind a scarf -- has been dubbed the worst finalist by everyone from "Idol" judges to VoteForThe Worst .com, which lobbies people to phone votes for Sanjaya in an effort to embarrass "Idol."

"I know this has been funny for a while," Cowell said of the movement to keep Sanjaya on the show. "But based on the fact that we're supposed to be finding an 'American Idol,' it was hideous."

Some of you "Idol" fans will think I'm crazy, but Sanjaya -- despite singing off-rhythm and torturing his note-bending -- was not the worst performer on Tuesday's country music night, and he hasn't been the worst for a while.

Chris stunk up the stage covering Rascal Flatts' heinous hick hit "Mayberry." Cowell correctly called Chris' vocalization nondescript, nasally, tinny and "completely and utterly insignificant."

Since Chris was a bottom-three finalist after last week's vote, he could get the ax on tonight's results show.

Or the loser could be LaKisha, the one with the big voice. She blasted off key. Cowell brutalized her. The other judges knocked her.

Then again, Blake continues to super suck. An estimated 10,000 untrained dudes on their couches would have sounded exactly as lame as him most weeks.

I don't understand why the judges keep saying nice things to Blake. Even Cowell's "I thought it was OK" was giving Blake far too much credit. I urge Cowell and the others to watch him on tape. Maybe they can't hear his croakiness live.

Also in peril is Phil. Several times he has landed in the bottom three, only to narrowly escape ejection. He sang better Tuesday than he ever has. And you know what that means: His chances of getting voted off just went up.

Because that's how "Idol" works. It's a bizarro world where the worst singers draw sympathy votes to the detriment of better performers. (This week's best were Melinda and Jordin.)

So Cowell can complain, but at least Sanjaya is entertaining. He fully commits to his songs and fashion. One week, it was a white suit. Another week, it was a faux-hawk. He merrily displays the style taste of a male impersonator.

Also to his benefit, he is not Blake. Did I mention I don't love Blake?

Without further ado, pix from the upcoming Spider-Man 3 video game. Comes out May 2

April 15, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN

Jeremy Piven, who played the head writer of "The Larry Sanders Show," supplies the lightest remembrance on the new DVD set.
Garry Shandling and co-star Rip Torn pranked him: Naked Piven was simulating sex with an actress, and Shandling never yelled "cut".

"I'm on top of this beautiful stranger," Piven says,"and it just seems like I am simulating sex for the rest of my adult life. ... And finally, I kind of look up and Garry and Rip have tears squirting out of their eyes."

April 15, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN

Alec Baldwin enters a boxing ring, then trades punches with Garry Shandling, who asks about Baldwin's divorce from Kim Basinger.

"Let's talk about my divorce for, like, another 10 or 15 seconds, and then let's box," Baldwin says. "Just put my ex-wife's divorce lawyer on speaker phone, and let's rumble."

This is a playful match between old friends, offered as a bonus scene in the new DVD box set "Not Just the Best of the Larry Sanders Show." The men also talk craft, and Baldwin admits his intense acting style mirrors his boxing.

"I say, 'I'm gonna kick your f---in' ass,' if that's what the scene requires. I'm gonna win," Baldwin says, and who would doubt him?

"Best of" offers only 23 of the 89 episodes that ran from 1992 to 1998. Shandling makes up for this slight by producing the most fascinating box set I've ever seen. There's an extra eight hours of incredible new material in it -- and not just the usual commentaries, outtakes and documentary.

Shandling opens old relationship wounds and reconnects with show friends by boxing Baldwin; playing basketball with David Duchovny; eating brunch with ex-girlfriend Sharon Stone; interviewing an actress/lover who sued him for $1 million, and hanging out at Tom Petty's smoky house.

In the most riveting interview, Shandling and Jerry Seinfeld joke around. And Seinfeld suggests both men ended their shows because they were beaten down by working constantly on scripts and dealing with Hollywood players.

"These shows that we had -- if we didn't kill them, they would kill us, and it's not a fair fight. You can subdue it for a long period of time," Seinfeld says. "But you know it's only getting stronger, and you're only getting weaker."

Like "Seinfeld," Shandling's "Larry Sanders Show" was one of TV's truest top-tier masterpieces. A backstage look at a late-night talk show starring Shandling, Rip Torn and Jeffrey Tambor, "Larry" dug into brutal, funny truths about people caught in Hollywood lights.

"Best of" revisits actors, writers and directors "Larry" helped catapult into bigger careers, from Jon Stewart to Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garofalo and Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe on "24").

"Larry" writer Judd Apatow made his directorial debut there, then went on to direct, co-produce and co-write "The 40 Year Old Virgin," "Talladega Nights" and "Anchorman," as well as TV's "Freaks and Geeks" and "Undeclared."

But most of the DVD unflinchingly focuses on actors' struggles. Garofalo regrets drinking too much. She thought back then, "Do I want to really work on my acting craft? Or would I like to go out and get drunk and try and make out with somebody? Hmm. Hmm.' "

Shandling sits with Linda Doucett. She sued him for firing her as a "Larry" co-star after they broke up in real life. In retrospect, she regrets complaining about getting only a few lines of dialogue a week.

"I just wanted a baby, and he gave me a job," she says, then exclaims: "I can't believe I don't see you for years, and we have this personal discussion in front of a camera!"

She cries. She puts a hand on his knee. End of interview.

Cast and crew insist "Larry" was so good because Shandling demanded they seek realness first, comedy second. He made writers put introductory dramatic tension of a plot on the first page of every script.

And he stretched a tiny budget. Set pieces were designed to survive a year. They lasted six. The crew shot 17 pages of script a day. (Now, "NCIS" shoots perhaps the most pages per day, at around 11.)

The main cameraman glided around on Rollerblades. Directors didn't yell "cut" between takes. In an outtake, you see a first take go awry; cast and crew sprint across two rooms to begin again immediately.

Sarah Silverman says other shows stole from "Larry," but poorly.

"They were stealing the concept of a behind-the-scenes kind of show," she says. "That's not what made the show great. The show was great because of the process. They should have all stolen the process."

The process gave Shandling ulcers, culminating with a lawsuit (settled) against his manager and co-producer Brad Grey. In a startling moment, Silverman appears to almost weep recalling his stress.

"Everybody needs somebody to take care of you," she says. "There wasn't anyone saying, 'You can't ask him to do that, that's too much.' He had to be the one" to make final decisions regarding writing, directing, acting and producing.

"He'd turn to me after every take [and say], 'I hate myself,' " director Todd Holland says.

Shandling recalls his mantra was, "I hate people just like me."

In fact, Apatow confronts Shandling for nine minutes about axing one of his jokes..

But they all created great episodes together. In "The Mr. Sharon Stone Show," Larry and Stone date but break up Hollywood-style: They make their assistants call each other.

"Are you OK?" Larry's assistant asks him afterward.

"Yeah," Larry says. "I just hate confrontation."

A decade later, Sandling, 57, and Stone, 49, reminisce about their love affairs on and off screen while viewing a love scene from "Larry."

"I don't think either one of us thought we were attractive, or smart, or funny, or good," she says. "And you look at that, and we're probably our most attractive, most funny and most charming we ever, ever were."

She tears up and strokes him. Shandling smiles, as if in sweet pain, staring at the chaotic, rewarding roles behind him.

delfman@suntimes.com

this is a test post using nintendo wii's net. dorky.

Apr. 13, 2007
DOUG ELFMAN
The Game Dork

This panda is flatulent. Every step he takes. Every move he makes. This panda needs Beano. Why do this panda's rumblings remind me of Tim Allen's grunts more than magic-store whoopee cushions?

Flatulent Panda (my nickname for him; he doesn't have a real name) adds cuteness to "Kororinpa: Marble Mania." His friends are cute, too -- a meowing cat, an oinky pig, a squeaky penguin and more than a dozen other little, round creatures you guide through mazes.

This is a simple game. "Kororinpa: Marble Mania" is just another "Marble Madness"-type brain teaser. You control a marble. No, actually, you control gravity. You tilt gravity to make the marble roll. Over and over. Is it repetitive? You bet. Addictive? Absolutely.

If you get tired of playing as a marble, that's when you can choose to roll around a different item. These items are panda and pals. Some animal marbles (and watermelon marbles) roll faster or slower than others.

Flatulent panda is fuzzy, so he rolls a little less hurried. This helps you roll him across the hardest, roller coaster-esque mazes, and wobble him across tightropes made of warped, wooden floors, riddled with nutty dents, bridges and ramps.

Guiding marbles around mazes sounds easy, but it's not. It's a physics challenge.

Your marble/panda always starts someplace silly, like rolling along an empty highway suspended 40 stories in the air, above a city, while a blimp putters around.

You don't have to push any buttons. You balance and twist your wireless Nintendo Wii remote in your hands, and the game reads those movements as a means to change gravity. Changing gravity forces the marble forward, back, left and right along the highway's curves.

There are lots of obstacles. Potholes. Killer laser beams. Other things on your path help you, such as magnets, conveyor belts and cannons that shoot you someplace safe.

But it's the gravity that gives you fits. It changes suddenly, as if you were walking down stairwells in an M.C. Escher illustration, but then the gravity of the stairs changes to adhere to the wall or ceiling.

Not all the courses are highways. Sometimes roads are made of toy-store playthings, or delicious-looking wafers, chocolates and gumdrops.

Other reviewers seem to enjoy the game but knock it because it offers only several dozen marble courses.

But I'm giving "Kororinpa" a solid three stars out of four, because I can play a lot of these courses repeatedly by using faster-rolling marbles, and it's a good player vs. player game.

I don't have young kids, but if I did, this would be a game I'd force on them, for the fun coordination it demands, the science of it, and its "E" rating. It's a nonviolent Wii game that probably will appeal to my lady friends, as well. They love lighthearted Wii games like this.

It can be easy or hard. You can finish early courses in 30 seconds or three minutes. Later roads can take seven minutes or more.

Those difficult, late stages convinced me to trade in my hard, fast marble for slow Flatulent Panda. He grips courses better than slick marbles and candy ball marbles. Which is strange. You'd think Flatulent Panda would be so gassy, he'd just float away, the little stinker.

("Kororinpa: Marble Mania" retails for $40 for Nintendo Wii -- Plays fun. Looks good. Easy to very difficult. Rated "E." Three stars out of four.)

April 13, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

It is utterly impossible to take "Drive" seriously. In the new Fox drama, a powerful covert organization kidnaps and kills people. And they do this, why? To force everyday Americans like you to enter an illegal cross-country road race.

You've got. To be kidding.

This nefarious racing group has kidnapped the wife of the show's main guy, Alex (Nathan Fillion). A shadowy figure sneaks a cell phone into Alex's house, calls him, then tells him to drive to Florida if he wants to see his wife again.

Once in Florida, Alex and 40 or 50 other regular Americans scramble to their beat-up vehicles to head to the first checkpoint. There will be a checkpoint each week. Whoever wins the race pockets $32 million -- many an episode from now.

So what "Drive" is telling us is this gigantic operation has been going on for who-knows-how-long, and the authorities, disgruntled employees and angry losers have never done anything to stop or stall it. Riiiight.

You can blame stupid "Lost" for this stupid show. Like "Lost," it's an action serial with a big cast of heroes who are strangers to each other, and dozens of others await in the background for their tall tales to unfold in later shows.

Here's the main problem. "Drive" takes place in the present day. Cars and trucks and motorcycles fly across roads and cause wrecks. Guns are involved. But apparently, no non-racers in this present day notice the wrecks, possible vehicular homicide, gunfire, etc.

Heaven forbid that Alex goes and tells the feds he knows who kidnapped his wife. For that matter, other racers have less at stake and keep on truckin' anyway, even though they could die or be killed.

It appears the contestants were merely picked at random -- without their knowledge and mostly against their will -- to, say, abandon their abusive husband and newborn baby to drive for cash.

At least "Lost" and "Heroes" give us a sci-fi excuse to forgive illogical stretches of the imagination. The format of those mysteries allows some viewers to shrug off unrealistic scenarios as products of the supernatural.

"Drive" should have taken that mystical page from "Lost," or borrowed the concept of the 1975 car thriller "Death Race 2000." That bad movie used a future-tense veil to convince viewers an insanity could exist someday -- that racers would kill each other with badass cars.

On the other hand, "Drive" is a clutter of standard TV acting, cardboard characters, zoomy edits of people racing slow Toyotas on the highway, while everyone argues at each other in car seats, or gets help from truckers who say:

"Mission accomplished, soldier. ... Thank you for your service to our country!"

If the show isn't canceled while it's in the middle of being aired, well, then, hopefully in a future episode everyone in the race will die.

April 11, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

I started dieting as a kid after I had an epiphany one day in social studies. A boy wobbled in front of me. I thought of my flabby belly. One regrettably crass thing ran through my head: "No girl is ever going to sleep with me if I end up with that kid's butt."

And so, I bought a calorie book and cut out sodas and sugar tea, butter, french fries, fast food and overeating. Food was the problem; I was already physically active. I lost weight. Cheerleaders said "hi." School got less stressful.

Since then, I've read books by nutritionists. I eat fist-sized portions about six times a day, and aim to work out six days a week. I also reject society's foodie nature. I don't try to make every meal delicious. I eat to end hunger pains. It's not a perfect lifestyle. But it works for me.

I realize this is a navel-gazing way to begin my review of "Fat: What No One Is Telling You" on PBS. But I want to acknowledge my ludicrous food journey so anyone who has considered weight loss (most of America) will relate when I say "Fat" is nothing we haven't heard before. Yet it's a useful report.

The documentary, narrated by Meredith Vieira, chronicles the stories of some heavy people, and sprinkles in nutritional information.

Comedian Mary Dimino says she exercises a lot "just to maintain this level of chubbiness"; a fat expert declares there are more than 300 calories in a big cup of soda; a large woman is embarrassed to be the huge passenger squeezed onto a small airplane seat.

As you see, there are no surprises in this special, not for those of us who've read much about nutrition. Still, I'd recommend it to people because there's comfort in knowing you're not alone. And uneducated fatists could see obesity isn't easy to beat.

Years ago, I dated a recovering bulimic who told me something striking that "Fat" doesn't focus on. Drug addicts go cold turkey. Someone with an eating disorder still must eat. Imagine if a heroin addict had to keep shooting up, but in a nutritional way. Eating disorders pose such a challenge.

In "Fat," a heavy man weeps, "I really want to lose the weight. But I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye to food."

Yet, he can't say goodbye to food. He still has to put it in his mouth. He has to say hello to eating healthier and exercising. Hard for him. Easy for me. Luck of the draw. Plus, his fat cells are already locked in place and battling him. Through diet, he can shrink them, not kill them.

That bulimic told me she saved her life partly by joining Overeaters Anonymous. I'd go with her to meetings as support, and for the first time I heard heavy people discussing how they binged on other people's garbage in Dumpsters, and thin women confessing that they exercised constantly.

Even with OA and a sponsor, this bulimic faltered at times. Sometimes, I'd wake up to hear her moaning. I'd ask if she was OK. She'd say something like, "I woke up at 3 and ate the cake in the fridge." Me: "How much of the cake?" Her: "The whole cake."

She won more battles than she lost. I imagine she might find a moment of support in watching this show. And if "Fat" can help women like her get through one more night of addiction, it's got value.

April 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Let's tally the slurs Bill O'Reilly has hurled at Rosie O'Donnell: She's "Tokyo Rosie," "siding with Iran," "rooting for Iran" and "helping the enemy" while "actively supporting Iran against her own country and Britain."

Wow. What has O'Donnell done? Did she supply rocket launchers to terrorists? Not quite.

"Rosie O'Donnell is saying that our country, America, all right, attacked itself to launch the war on terror," O'Reilly has said, among other things.

Wrong. O'Donnell very clearly said she doesn't believe the U.S. government had anything to do with 9/11.

Today, O'Donnell returns from vacation to "The View," and she might respond to Fox News' relentless War on Rosie, which also spread briefly to MSNBC.

O'Donnell did unleash a few controversial statements. But O'Reilly and the rest are taking liberties with most of her comments. Here's what really went down in a seven-minute conversation on "The View" one day last month.

O'Donnell repeated her belief that World Trade Center Tower 7 -- a building not hit by planes -- was felled by explosives. This is also the claim of some conspiracy theorists around the country.

Conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck asked liberal O'Donnell if she thought the U.S. government had anything to do with the attack of 9/11.

"No, I have no idea" who blew up Tower 7, O'Donnell said, and later added earnestly, "We're gonna take a break. We'll be right back in America, land of the free, home of the brave."

Regarding Iran, "View" guest Marcia Gay Harden said the United States should try to strike peace with Iran diplomatically.

O'Donnell agreed and suggested the American media has demonized and dehumanized everyone in the Mideast to the point that none of the people of the region are regarded as humans. They're seen as "just the enemy. They're terrorists."

And she posed the theory that the British government put sailors in harm's way to taunt Iran into action, as a scheme to raise popular support for war against Iran.

She has also said terrorists shouldn't be feared.

Following Fox News' lead, MSNBC's conservative Joe Scarborough showed select snippets of O'Donnell comments and called for her to be fired. To support his case, Scarborough quoted a column in the L.A. Times to suggest the paper was calling her crazy.

That column was written by Jonah Goldberg, a sometimes Fox News guest who once wrote in the conservative National Review about how his mother was the person who persuaded Linda Tripp to record her chats with Monica Lewinsky.

At Fox, talk host Greta Van Susteren interviewed O'Reilly (with no response from O'Donnell) to ludicrously suggest O'Donnell's motive was to specifically incite O'Reilly.

"If you have this verbal battle with Rosie -- sort of like with [MSNBC's] Keith Olbermann -- they love to bait you, Bill, because when they bait you that increases their ratings," van Sustren said, neglecting the fact that O'Reilly started this feud, not O'Donnell.

And, as if he were quoting one of his own critics, O'Reilly said of O'Donnell: "Surely you cannot allow someone to come on the air every day and vent hateful, dishonest propaganda."

O'Reilly interviewed Fox News' Dennis Miller, and they whined it's not fair that Hasselbeck isn't a strong enough conservative to counter O'Donnell. (O'Reilly and Miller had on zero liberals to counter themselves.)

"Elizabeth is a sweet girl, but she has trouble holding her own with those people," Miller said.

This whole routine revolves around an issue O'Reilly doesn't even regard as big news. He was interviewing Dave Zeeck, editor of the Tacoma (Wash.) News Tribune, about the subject when Zeeck proclaimed recent comments by O'Donnell and Ann Coulter were no big deal. O'Reilly agreed.

"You may not think they're important stories. And in the long run, they aren't," O'Reilly said.

If not, then why have O'Reilly and others at Fox News people spend so much time interviewing each other about O'Donnell?

April 10, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN Television Critic

Rosie O'Donnell has been addressing attacks in her Rosie.com blog. Here are some replies (in her crude shorthand) to visitors' e-mails.

Kim writes:
Rosie are you on crack? How can you say that the government caused 911 when [everyone] knows it was muslim terrorists.

Rosie responds:
bill o said i said that
i did not say that
watch the original tape from the view
not his edited buill----

Jill writes:
... we have renamed "The View" to "The Spew" in honor of the vomit that comes out of your mouth.

Rosie responds:
its really so so so simple
TURN THE CHANNEL

Debbie writes:
what would you want to discuss when you return from vacation?

Rosie responds:
sanjaya

April 9, 2007
BY DOUG ELFMAN
Television Critic

Maribeth Monroe is yet another example of how Second City launches Hollywood careers. It was there she met her manager and Jim Belushi, who put her in an episode of "According to Jim." But Monroe could barely keep her eyes on the TV when she saw herself on "Jim."

"I dreamt of being on television all of my formative years, and I couldn't even watch," she says. "I was hiding behind my couch yelling at all my friends, 'Do I look OK? Am I pretty?' "

Now she's been all over TV, having improvised in a phone commercial that never stops running.

"I guess you'll just have to promote me to manager then, huh? There's a new sheriff in town!" she tells a boss in the ad, but she can't hear his response, then frets: "I, uh, understand I have to work my way up, though."

Starting tonight, Monroe appears a lot as a cast member in "Thank God You're Here," NBC's new improv/sketch comedy show similar to Drew Carey's "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

Monroe and other castmates, including Second City alum Nyima Funk, use scripts. Guest celebrities improvise their way through scenes they're unprepared for.

"It is really funny to watch them try to swim their way out of s---, because they're totally surprised," Monroe says.

A native of suburban Detroit, Monroe was a Second City actor there first, followed by a run at the theater in Old Town.

She moved to Hollywood about seven months ago. Unlike many new L.A. residents, she booked jobs immediately.

Monroe believes Second City strengthened her ability to work a room and create a rapport with casting agents, directors and actors.

"You could be super talented and wonderful. But," she says, "you're going to be working with [actors and directors] for seven weeks [on a new show]. They don't want to hire someone who's an idiot, or an a--hole, or who doesn't have a good personality."

At auditions, Monroe specifically thinks about her improv experience.

"I go in the room presenting myself, but also trying to highlight the best parts of myself, like my comedy, and my personality and," she cracks, "my amazing body."

At Second City, Monroe co-wrote and performed in several mainstage revues as well as "My Cousin's Wedding," which she and writing partner Kirk Hanley took on a national tour.

A few years ago, "Saturday Night Live" flew her to New York to audition, but she didn't make the cut.

She planned for a while to leave Second City. She wanted to do TV and movies, so Monroe, in her mid-20s, told herself she wasn't getting any younger.

"I just thought it would be a good adventure. I said 'f' it. Actually, I didn't say 'f' it. I said, 'F--- it. ... I'm gonna go and give it a try.' "